Aren't you curious?

Dark Side

February 8, 2015
"Son"day 9:00 AM

Dear God,

Oh gosh, I had a flu shot last Wednesday and am having flu symptoms again ~ sore throat, congestion in my lungs, coughing, aching...  I wondered if I should have the shot because my immune system has been shaky but my doctor said if I got flu symptoms they would be light. Well, hello! They aren't light! I hate missing church but there's no way I want anyone to get what I have (again).

I've been struggling with my CPAP mask. The technician thought it would be the best route to go but it's been a challenge to get used to. By the middle of the night or towards morning, the bottom part of the mask is squeezing the heck out of my lower lip or twisted half off my face. I must say, it is helping ~ I have more energy and no snoring. Michael says I look like an alien with it on... I would agree ~ I looked in the mirror and went, "EEEEEKKKKK." Last night presented a new challenge ~ every time I had a coughing fit, my mask would move. I kept it on for four hours then said, "To heck with this."

It is supposed to be another really beautiful day here today. I worked outside all day yesterday shoveling mulch into my garden cart then spreading it in my gardens. My neighbor Don came over and weed-wacked the lirope which helped a lot. I did manage to finish one section of the lower garden and planned on doing another section today. Maybe not... I am like the hare ~ slow and steady. Ha! Thank goodness for my claw foot tub and meds that keep me going.

My furry kids woke me up this morning for their potty call and breakfast. Michael said I sounded awful so he took over.  Ever have one of those days that you'd just like to crawl back under the covers? I guess not, you're God and on call 24 hours a day. Michael provided me with a wonderful hot cup of french vanilla coffee and I did hunker down with my 4 furry kids. They love mornings with mom when they can play and snuggle and so do I! Besides, if they are lucky, they'll get a little piece of toast with some fresh jam on it!!

I've been having fun with the month of love. You know, red is one of my favorite colors and just the thought of romance, love, and spending time with special people rocks my day!

I had the TV on a day or so ago and there was an advertisement for the movie Fifty Shades of Gray. Several times, the announcer said, "Aren't you curious?" I stopped in my tracks because temptation starts with that phrase, "Aren't you curious?" Aren't you curious about: what alcohol tastes like, a cigarette, weed, heroin, cocaine, an affair, driving fast on a curvy road, pornography? The list could go on and on. Beginning in the Garden of Eden, "Aren't you curious?" has been the thorn in the side of man. Yes, we are curious and so often our curiosity gets us into some real pickles!

I am intrigued by the human mind and why we do the things we do. The TV show, Criminal Minds, has story after story of men and women who are curious about robbing, killing, abducting, and maiming. Once they "taste," more times than not they continue in their path of destruction.

In Genesis, I learned about Satan's strategy against Eve:

He got Eve spiritually isolated;

He got Eve to focus on what God hadn't given her;

He got Eve to believe that God was holding out on her;

He got Eve to ignore God's warnings about the consequences of sin.

HOWEVER, You tell us,

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And, God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

~1 Corinthians 10:13

There is a dark side of love and a dark side in each of us. As God, you know that full well. We're not always as wonderful as we wish we were and sometimes are so ashamed of our dark sides that we'd do anything to keep from being found out. So many times, I pray the following verse because I DO want to know when I'm being hurtful, secretive, and just down right nasty.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts,

And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."  

~Psalm 139:23-24

Love isn't always sweetness and joy. My first brush with love's painful nip came at 22. I had just delivered my second daughter and was adjusting to life with a toddler and new baby. Out of the blue my husband confessed he'd been having an affair with his secretary and didn't know if he wanted to stay in the marriage. 40+ years later I remember my brokenness and the stabbing pain that shot through my heart. Fortunately, our love had its highs too and those are the times I choose to remember. My son was born 5 years later and we worked on the marriage trying to piece together what had been broken. In the end, he still chose another woman and I was left to find a new me. At the time, I thought I would curl up in a heap and die but, thankfully, I didn't and life moved on.

When I say love has a dark side, I shudder for I am still plagued with so many blank spots in my childhood. I was a sweet little girl who lived two lives ~ one was a life of hurt and anger and the other a life of make-believe where I was sooo happy. I was what the therapists called, "A complex case." It wasn't until I found a therapist versed in childhood trauma that I began to understand the darkness that comes from sexual abuse, neglect, and emotional distance. I dared to walk through the muddied waters and tried as best I could to know and understand. God, you have kept secrets from me and unveiled others as I could accept them. One day, one day, I will know why I cried, why I would run, and why I had these awful tapes running in my head that I knew nothing about. All I know is that I had these compelling desires to sabotage happiness in my life. Why? The tapes said, "You are ugly, you aren't worthy, you are a failure." (Sigh)

In the darkness of love, I wondered if I would ever love again. As a survivor of heartbreak, I know that love is possible. If you own your own stuff, find your role in endings, and are not closing the door to more love, you will move on stronger and wiser than before. We must Allow ourselves to feel the pain and, at the same time, trust that someday an attractive someone will pull up a chair next to us and say, "Hi." Our hearts will flutter in response and we will smile. If we feel love for others, trust me, we will find things within ourselves that need work. If we're playing the blame game and holding on to the ickier side of life, Satan has us where he wants us. Right God?

Lord God in Heaven, holy is your name. You made love to resonate from our hearts and souls and are love in the purest sense of the word. Because we are who we are, we fall so very short of your kind of love. Our humanness gets in the way and, by not following your example, we experience the dark side ~ not only of love, but of the evilness of the human race. Father, I pray for my Readers who are going through times of loneliness wondering if they will ever find a partner. I pray for those who have been hurt by love and are closed off not wanting to ever go through that hurt again. Open their hearts and fill them with hope. I pray for those marriages that are struggling and those words of "are you curious" are floating to the forefront of thoughts. I thank you for the examples of couples who have been together for many years and still have that spark. I pray that we would be kind to all people no matter what their color or physical attributes are like. Amen, it is so dear Jesus!

Miss Dottie

NOTE TO READERS:  To be a Christian does not mean that we are to endure the dark side of love and live in misery. "We must surrender to what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be" (Anonymous). God has a plan for your life and to embrace that plan will bring peace in the midst of chaos. As a relationship coach, I read about every self-help book on the shelves. It wasn't until years later when I realized that head knowledge needs to be married to the heart in order to be of help and last.

"Self -salvation through good works may produce a great deal of moral behavior in your life, but inside you are miserable. You are always comparing yourself to other people, and you are never sure you are being good enough. You cannot therefore, deal with your hideousness and self-absorption through the moral law, by trying to be a good person through an act of the will. You need a complete transformation of the very motives of your heart."

~Tim Keller, The Reason for God