It takes time...

Natalie Grant ~ Clean

Sunday
July 30, 2017

Dear Readers,

What a beautiful albeit HOT Texas afternoon! It's that time of year when my gardens are in survival of the fittest mode. So far so good.

Every now and then, I make it a point to go through every closet, drawer, cupboard, and corner to clean, take inventory, and purge. During my (ahem) very late Spring cleaning, I came across a childhood therapy notebook I kept ten years ago. I took it with me on a trip to Dallas and read through it. Memories of those sessions came flooding back and I realized just how long it takes for some truths to sink in and be processed.

On page 1 of my notebook I wrote:

"All of my life I've felt as though I have to work twice as hard

 to be half as good as other people."

That really caught me off guard. That was 10 years ago? Truth be known, up until a few months ago, I still felt that way.

After my two back to back surgeries the first of the year and a misdiagnosis of "you're going to die," something clicked inside my heart. I wanted what I gave other people ... respect, forgiveness, time, love, compassion, kindness. I didn't want to be the scapegoat any longer. I wanted to be valued and cherished.  All that being said, I knew that I had to let go and take that first step of, "I am worthy" and mean it.

The flood gates opened as I remembered the times I swallowed my hurt saying nothing as to not disturb the peace. I talked at length with my Alanon Sponsor and several trusted prayer warriors. I was brutally honest about my life and relationships with others. I realized that I was trying to be Jesus and I couldn't be ... I couldn't be perfect ... I couldn't do life perfectly and I sure couldn't control what choices others had made. I had a voice ~ I could say yes, no, maybe, change my mind, state an opinion, screw up, and open my mouth when I was wronged.

To move out of the dark hole of  low self-worth meant standing up and making the decision to surround myself with those who saw me as an imperfect human being worthy of love. I needed to forgive those that had hurt me and let go of all bitterness and anger. I had to cry rivers of cleansing tears trusting that the Lord would guide me through the darkness into the light.

Since then, I've spent some time in the company of some amazing wise women listening to their similar journeys. They've shared their hope and strength and I've learned so much about being totally myself. I no longer beat myself up instead choosing to spend my days doing what I do best, keeping my slates clean, and enjoying life.

Does forgiveness mean reconciliation?  Oh gosh, one day I sure hope so. Healthy relationships involve people who love each other enough to care when they hurt someone and want to mend the broken fences which is where compassion and a yearning to understand come in. God never closes a door nor do I.

Self worth comes at a price ~ inner peace comes at a price. As a child of the living God, I am worthy and, for the first time in my life, I really can grasp that intellectually as well as feel it in my heart. I am no longer in bondage, the shackles have fallen off my ankles, and I am whole. I left that baggage at the foot of the cross and have moved on.

What is it that you, my Readers, are in bondage to? What is it that keeps you from receiving all that God has for you in his goodness? If you're always looking back at what you did or should have done, you won't have time to see the beauty of the gift of each moment in time.

Life is not the way I hoped it would be nor is it the way I wanted it to be. Yet, life is better than good and each day I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am as busy as I choose to be and have a circle of close friends to share my love and my life. It took moving to a little town where I knew no one and going to a little country church where I knew no one to get me off dead center and understand who God made me to be. Revival in July has meant more than most people can ever comprehend so thank you Open Range Cowboy Church.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

~Psalm 139:13-14

My prayer today is for those who are afraid of the "what ifs" of life. It's scary to move out of the familiar hoping for something better but I pray that somehow that a tiny spark of hope would inspire them to take one step towards a better life.  I had a Savior who loved me enough to die on a cross for me and, you, my Readers, can have that love too. All you have to do is open your hands and your hearts to receive. You won't be sorry! 

In Christ's love, Miss Dottie

PS  What a struggle it can be to recognize the worth we have in Jesus. Maybe it's because we have become so conditioned to base our worth on the world's latest views and progressive opinions. We struggle to be perfect and look perfect. Should we struggle in meeting the world's view of what we should think, do, or say, it's easy to get down and feel like a failure. But then, there's God. A God who has said that we were made in His image. We must be strong enough in our faith to see ourselves as He does. That's the self that is worth celebrating!