When Parents Hurt

Good evening from the little casa.  I drove down here today to check on the house, let Nina in to prep for wallpaper, and spend time with Mom.  When my life seems crazy, it is always nice to come here where it is quiet.  I am able to hear the Lord speak to me in the lowest of whispers and I am able to make my best decisions.


I've talked a lot about my childhood and life in general hoping that my voice would touch lives and offer hope.  I must say, I am always amazed at how I keep on learning and growing.  Each day brings a new chapter!


Today, I'd like to flip the coin and examine the other side ... parents who hurt.  Because of my estrangement from my oldest daughter, my ears are always open to the hearts of parents who have shared my journey of hurt.  There are millions of parents out there who have gone through or are going through estrangements, addictions, and abuse from their children.  I am shocked at the number of web sites devoted to this subject and to the number of prayer requests from broken hearted parents and grandparents that I get.


When my babies were born, I held them, and felt such love for them.  I wanted them to live fruitful lives and I had visions of us all as a family til death us do part.  Each of my children was very much wanted so there was so animosity towards them or a feeling of being stuck with a mouth to feed.  As they grew older, I realized that they had minds of their own ... I could guide but I could not be with them every moment of the day and night.  Are there things that I would do different?  Oh my gosh yes.  With my background, I cringe at the mother I could have been without heavenly intervention.


We make decisions regarding our children based on our knowledge (in my case, I was a mom at 20) and what's in our hearts at the time.  I don't know about yours but mine didn't come with instruction manuals.  My mother didn't come to be with me when they were born so I winged it hoping that my skills wouldn't harm them.  I am happy to say that all 3 are still kicking at 43, 41, and 36!  Just like my parents and theirs before them, I did the best I could with the information and awareness of life that I had at the time.


In the years of personal therapy I had, many sessions were spent on my interaction with my children and how I could move forward in healthiness.  In talking with other parents, many also shared my journey of seeking therapy in hopes that reconciliation could come about in a healthy way.  If this wasn't a huge problem there wouldn't be so many Tough Love, 12 Step, and personal growth groups.  More parents beat themselves up about their inadequacies as parents than children do about being wayward.


During one of my therapy sessions, we addressed my family dynamics.  The counselor drew a tree on the board and we wrote down characteristics about each person in my family of origin.  I also attended a family dynamics example session with one of my friends from church.  As an observer, I found it quite interesting.  Both sessions have helped me tremendously (at least in head knowledge).   My healing had to start somewhere and I am grateful for each new learning experience.


One school of thought suggests that children are growing up now with a sense of entitlement that seems to overshadow loyalty and respect. As parents we try too hard and sacrifice too much and then are kicked to the curb as children justify, by a long list of real or imaged imperfections in us, their rationalization circumventing guilt. No manner of forgiveness, pleading or pain matters.  Why is that?


My parents lost their fathers when they were very young.  They also went through the Great Depression and had to learn to make their way early in life.  Both had a sense of deep family loyalty and respect.  My father called his mother "Mother" and my mother called hers "Mama."  Their parents gave them little in the realm of material goods yet the one thing they gave both of them was a strong work ethic and sense of family.  My father and mother wouldn't think of dishonoring their mothers either by word or action.  My father quit school to help support his mother and my mother put herself through school while also helping out on the family farm.  Their actions were quite selfless.  When the family needed them, they were there ready to do what needed to be done.


As parents, we sacrifice; do without so they can have; enable; don't allow allow our children to fall then, try allowing them to fall; we listen; cry; develop guilt complexes; and bail them out ... we pray and beg God to restore them and our families.  We love them unconditionally then wonder if we are loving them too much.  There is always that sliver of hope ... that faint bit of light that stays with us as we go about our days.  For me, it's taken many many years of self examination for me to accept life without my child.  I am finally able to move forward without always looking back.  Do I still pray?  Absolutely!!  Do I keep the light on?  Absolutely!!  Do I beat myself up?  No.  Do I have my life on hold?  No.  I have come to a peaceful realization that relationships must be free and, as such, we must hold our fellow life's travelers with an open hand and that includes our children.

Tonight, I am without TV and the house is quiet ... the clocks are ticking in unison and the dogs' nails are clicking on the wood floors as they make their way to and from their water bowl.  My spirit is quiet and I look forward to tomorrow.  My hand is always open those those who want to walk with me.  I cannot go backwards and must keep planting my feet one in front of the other.  I am not the mother I was at 20, 30, 40 or 50.  I do not cover my scars nor do I hold grudges ... I stay in the today and look forward to my tomorrows.  I have much to be grateful for.

Life isn't always the way we want it to be nor is it the way we dreamed it could be ... it just is life ... a journey one must make from birth to the grave hoping we make more right decisions than wrong ones.  I haven't met too many people that screwed up their lives on purpose!  All I know is that each of us are responsible for our flops, failures and successes and as our children reach adulthood, they are also responsible for theirs.  We are not God and we cannot be perfect.

Some day, I hope that my children and grandchildren will know all about me and love me anyway.  I hope they will fly with the freedom I have found and make the most of their days.

I am off to bed ... I will be praying for you and asking God to bless you and all your relationships.  If we have faith then we will always have hope.

Blessings from the place that gives me that sense of sheltering peace!! 

IF YOU DIDN'T BREAK IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIX IT

 Good Morning, Readers! The smell of a freshly brewed pot of coffee woke me from a deep sleep this morning. I opened one eye then the other before planting my feet on the floor and making my way to the kitchen. There's something about that first cup of coffee that gets me moving and ready to take on my day. I'm a morning person ... one of those disgusting happy people who greet the day with exuberance! I've been known to put night people in misery with my happy face and shouts of "Good Morning Everyone!!"

I was a happy kid, a happy teenager, and, most of the time, a happy adult.  One of the fellows I dated always called me bright eyes with the big smile.  I am grateful for the good times and, as I wrote in the corner of my Bible, I am also thankful for the hard times.  It's in the hard times that I've grown the most and become appreciative of each and every joy!


As I've grown older, I've wanted to be accepted for who I am, warts, bumps and all and to allow others and myself room to fix their own issues.  I think others want that too. Oh goodness, it's been torture though because I hate it when I feel like I am disappointing someone. I've had to realize that relationships are two-way streets and that we all are interdependent on one another. It took me awhile to realize that in being a fixer I was telling others that they couldn't do it themselves. Nobody likes to feel that way.

I learned very young that I could not count on my parents for emotional support.  To ask meant being disappointed.  I so wanted my mom to come help me when my babies were born ... she did not.  I so wanted my parents to come be with me when I had major surgery and was facing probable cancer when I was 22. They did not. I began to develop callouses and just didn't ask when I needed my family. I couldn't stand the pain.  Instead, I became the rock for others giving them what I so desperately needed. Whenever I needed to let go and let someone else help me, it's about the most uncomfortable thing I can think of because there is so much pain in rejection. I struggle with that daily.


Having "done the work" on myself for years, and, to give myself a little credit, I have to say I have reached a place of peace and healthiness within myself. Behaviour patterns are our own issues that we need to look at and deal with in order to change them and get better results in the future. There's no getting around it: the one thing all my past issues had in common was ME.
 
I have liked my independence and like knowing I can take care of myself. I don't like to impose on others and don't like to rely on others for things if it's something I think I can do for myself. Being the strong, capable one is the mask I have created so that people won't see the real me underneath ... the person who is sometimes scared, sometimes a screw-up and sometimes just downright human needing a hug.  I give unconditional love yet have been scared from too many times of being torn down. Awareness has helped me avoid repeating old behaviors and develop new ones but I've found that no matter how much head knowledge I have, I sometimes fall backward. Growth is a life-long process and with every step I've taken, I have an opportunity to fit another piece of the puzzle into place.


I read an article written by Rick Bragg titled Stepfather's Day this morning.  It was a delightful story of a stepfather trying to parent his wife's son who was 10 years old when they married.  I laughed my way through it as it reminded me of all of us who did our best to guide our children into adulthood.  His advice to Jake was, "Life is an adventure.  Have some!"  We show them our ways and ultimately they discover their own.  We hope that our bad habits don't become ingrained in their lives and we search for signs of the good we've taught them.  All in all, it was a journey for us all with children ... one that every family goes through.  The article is in Southern Living if you want to read it.


I leave you today with this thought: We all make mistakes. We all have weaknesses. The Bible says that we are not to have a hard-hearted critical spirit toward each other but instead to forgive one another and to show mercy to one another just as Christ has done for us.

Enjoy this day and we'll chat again soon!! 

Remember ... if you didn't break it, you don't have to fix it!!

When Self Takes Control of Self

Hey everyone!  I hope that you are having a wonderful day!  I am!

I am 4 days into the Dukan Diet Plan and am about 4 1/2 pounds closer to my goal weight.  Yesterday was tough and I wanted to quit but I kept on going.  My daughter and son in law are on the same plan so we touch bases and encourage each other.

Like most diet plans, the Dukan Diet is pretty straightforward and if you follow the book and do what it says, it works.  Since I was a director for Jenny Craig, that plan has always been my way of dropping those few pounds and get back on track.  It works too and I had many a client (including myself) who benefited from it's program.  Personally, I think the Jenny Craig program is healthier in the long run and offers more education on keeping the weight off because most of weight gain is portion control.  Consumer  Reports noted it as one of the top diet plans offered.  I am a believer that the reason there are so many diet plans out there is because we all have different needs and ways we are able to stay on track.  The jury is out on the Dukan Diet because I've always felt that the faster you lose weight the quicker it can come back.  It's not about the "diet," it's about a change in eating habits for life and that takes time!

Nothing in life comes without being motivated and work ... no pain, no gain.  I have also been doing a power walk with weights each day (Leslie Sansone's Walking Away Pounds).  Oh my goodness, my bones, joints and muscles have stiffened up like knots ... it was easier today though and I think that I will be able to go further than just a mile before long.  My grandchildren are so cute ... they love grandma's "bat wings".  I prefer that my bat wings get toned!  Having Fibromyalgia and Degenerative Osteoarthritis has taken a toll on my body and it would be so easy to cave in and be a couch potato.  That's not me though so I keep on keepin' on!  I love always having a project in the works and what better project than "moi".  My orthopedic surgeon reminds me every time I see him that even 5 extra pounds can cause my back to stress as well as my hips, knees and feet.  With all the neck, back, and foot surgeries I have had I don't need to aggravate the work that has already been done and corrected!

All of us ultimately know what is good for us ... it's the doing that can be tough.  It is tough to wait for the feeling to get there before we are motivated to change.  Often times, we have to just put forth the effort and the feelings will follow.  Dr. Carmody can give me books and advice but it's up to me to read them and get busy.  Right now, my body says, "Whoa, what are you doing to me?"  I laugh and tell it ... "I am waking you up!"

I am married to a man who is 6'2" tall and weighs 156 pounds.  He is small boned so that weight seems to be where his body is comfortable.  He accepts me as I am but will gently say ... "You aren't fat, just getting a little bit fluffy!"  When he does this, it stings a little bit but I know he is telling me the truth ... he isn't telling me anything I don't already know.  At 5'1" and age 63, each year brings new challenges for me in the weight department. I just have  to remind him that his metabolism is faster than mine and to not tempt me with his vices of carbs and sugars!!  Gotta love that guy!!

I've always felt that as members of a family we all have something special to bring to the table.  Good grief, God doesn't make mistakes and He was the one who decided where I would fit best as well as other family members.  When each of us takes care of our own faults, life gets a whole lot less complicated for everyone. Life is about accepting, learning and growing.  The Bible shows us in James that the origin of our problems is ourselves.  He says that there is a civil war going on within.  Our pleasures are fighting for gratification, to get their own way - jealousy, self-seeking, greed...  Isn't that the truth?  If we get our own way and people act the way we want them too, we are okay.  If not, we pout, get angry and tighten the reins.  Control!!!!!  Gotta keep control!!!  I guess that's why there is the slogan, LET GO & LET GOD.

Am I rambling today?  I guess so...  I have a tendency to do that.  I've journaled for years and my blog is a way of journaling my thoughts in case others are walking down my same path.  I think we have a lot of the same struggles ... I'm just more open about them than most.  For so many years, I didn't have a voice ... now I do.  I don't have to be right all the time or make total sense but I can have an opinion.  I've been known to change my opinion and love a good open chat with others.  That's what's so wonderful about living life ... I can be perfectly okay being a work in progress.

If you're an imperfect person, raise your hand!  I love you!  I love people who have struggled with life ... who have moved beyond their own fears ... who have improved their family of origin by making good changes to defeatist attitudes.  My grandmother's parents came to this country from Norway and were so very proud to be Americans.  They were also proud of the Pederson name and their aim was to keep that name clean and untarnished.  We all knew we had a responsibility to do that name proud ... to be a descendant of Margaret and Carl was highly regarded in the community.

Golly ... the day is moving by so fast.  I have miles to go before I sleep!  I hope you, my readers, are doing well and that God is being extra good to you.  I wish I were able to talk with you all one on one and put my arms around you.  I just want you to know ... "it's" gonna be okay!!

Always know you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

.



As You Think So Are You!

Good Morning Readers!  It truly is a good morning.  I had shots in my head yesterday to stop the migraine headaches I've been having for about 5 weeks straight.  I kept trying "mind over pain" and finally had to cry "uncle".  I still have some residual head pain but NOTHING like before.  Thank you Dr. Sorin!!

It's always amazing to me how God works in our lives.  I was watching TV a couple Sundays ago and tuned in to watch Joyce Meyer.  I've really never listened to her before nor have I read any of her books.  To tell you the truth, her voice and delivery has always seemed kind of scratchy and I would switch the channel.  BUT, this particular Sunday, I managed to sit through her talk and found myself sinking deeper and deeper into her message.  The next chance I got, I went to the bookstore and bought her book, BATTLEFIELD OF THE MIND.  It's sat on the counter until this morning when I was prompted to pick it up...

I've only read several chapters but goodness, it was like going back into trauma therapy.  I don't know about you, but I have to hear something several times (or more often than that!) before it sinks in.  For so many years I suffered with worry, doubt, depression, anger, feelings of condemnation, and an overwhelming urge to destroy myself (I battled this daily because my inner tapes told me I was no good and didn't deserve good).  I made choices that I didn't understand and was so afraid to speak out when someone hurt me.  After all, I deserved it!  I would retreat and smile ... and smile ... and smile. I would also get angry  then chastise myself for doing so.  Although I had some wonderful friends, I also attracted people who were takers in life.  Being a giver, I was prey far too often.

My enemy was Satan.  He used the tapes of my childhood and past to torment me.  I was in bondage to my flawed thinking.  Satan was careful to point out every mistake I made.   I listened and my life became shame based.  Looking back, I realize now how God worked in my life ... slowly he peeled back all the untruths in my life (and I mean slowly) ... He spoke through pastors, friends, His Word, counselors, acquaintances and classes.  The church I was attending sent me to a conference ... the class I attended was about being transformed by the renewing of the mind.  I basked in the information presented and it was there that a small thought was planted about my flawed thinking.

The strongholds in my mind had been there for a long while.  I didn't know they were even there.  I started teaching classes at church ... Romans; James; The Proberbs 31 Woman; and, The Power of A Praying Wife.  I took classes at the Collin County Women's Shelter to counsel those who were in abusive situations and was on the Speaker's Forum.  I became a relationship coach and devoured every book I could find on relationships so I could be an effective teacher of the Dating University and work with single adults (both at work and at church).  With each step, I learned something new and my uneasiness grew.  Why could I be so effective as a teacher and in my work with people and fail so miserably in my own life in certain areas??

My weapons became The Word.  "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'"~~John 8:31-32  Praise and prayer became second nature to me.  Some of the people who were at the church I was attending raised holy hands during the service.  When we sang songs, I wanted to raise my hands too but it took a long while before I could do that.  I remember the first time ... we were singing We Are Standing on Holy Ground and all of a sudden my arms popped up.  The love of my Lord took precedence over my fears.  I was like a doubting Thomas ... I kept asking God, you show me you are real and in control.  He did.

I laughed ... I was asked to be on the prayer team for the church.  Who me?  I couldn't pray out loud in front of others.  My voice tends to crack and I get my words jumbled up...  Reluctantly, I went and in one session, I was overwhelmed by urgency and asked the team to pray for a particular lady NOW!!  The hair was standing up on my arms, sweat was running down my back, and I was obedient.  Some time later, I received a letter from the woman we prayed for.  At the time we were praying for her, she was being chased on a freeway by an  unknown man.  She said she felt our prayers, she was delivered safely from harm, and thanked me.  I'm still in awe at the power of God and how He uses us in our weaknesses.

I had to face the truth about myself and my past as God revealed it.  It was a painful process to face my own faults and deal with them.  (It's ALWAYS easier to be angry at and blame others) I knew I didn't want to stay in bondage.  My outward choices were a result of my tapes that ran in the back of my mind.  I kept trying on my own to fix me and I just couldn't.  I would cry out to God to save me from myself.

"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."~~Proverbs 23:7  It became a priority in my life to erase the tapes of stinkin' thinkin' and move forward.  I had to think truth and stop condemning myself.  In Romans 8, we are told that if we think on the things of the flesh we will walk in the flesh but if we think on the things of the Spirit, we will walk in light and in the Spirit.  Joyce Meyer says in her book, "...your life will not get straightened out until your mind does ... or, where the mind goes, the man follows."  I like those statements.

I never gave up.  I have never been a quitter and I want to encourage you, my readers to keep on keepin' on in rough times.  God gives us a promise in Isaiah 43:2 it says:  "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you."  It's easy to just quit ... it takes faith and perseverance to keep on walking.

I'd accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was a small child so that was Step I to my recovery.  Step II was accepting the Bible as truth.  Step III?  The secret to my breakthrough was the words, "I choose"  I took my thoughts captive and chose how I wanted to think.  Am I perfect at this?  Heck no!!  One day at a time, I am better ... I am kind to myself and give myself permission to fail.  I share my journey with others who choose to talk my hand and walk along.  Some do, some don't, that's their choice.  Because of my past, I am quick to defend children and people who are being abused.  Children can't speak for themselves so, as adults, we must protect and give them truth.  Abused people become cowered and I want to give them hope.

What do you choose today?  I had many tapes and many mental strongholds that had built up over many years.  Satan had lied to me and I believed him.  I lived in his deception.  Little by little, year by year, the transforming of my mind and spirit has evolved and I am so very grateful.  My smiles are real now and I wake up thinking positive thoughts about myself and the world around me.  God tells us to be wise as serpents and gentle as lambs!

I wish I could bring my readers together and each of us share the journey of our lives.  Freedom brings new life and good thoughts.  I leave you with this:

"I believe God.  I believe He is working in me no matter what I may feel or how the situation may look.  The Lord has begun a good work in me, and He will bring it to full completion." Quote from Joyce Meyer's book, BATTLEFIELD OF THE MIND.

If you're looking for some scriptures to write on your mirror to remind you of the awesomeness of our Lord, please look at this video.  It touched me and I've written some down that I want to memorize.  Carpe' Diem!!

Life is a Process to be Lived

Goodness sakes!  It is so beautiful outside today I can hardly stand it.  Michael, our grandsons, and I are attending a Roughriders Baseball game this afternoon compliments of CVS Caremark.  We're all looking forward to it!!  Yesterday, we got up early and attended Zachary's and Nicholas's T-ball and baseball games.  It was 60 degrees with a North wind blowing.  Brrrrr!

I was talking with my daughter yesterday.  (We have made a point to touch bases almost daily if only for a few minutes.  The gift that keeps on giving!!)  A time I cherish, by the way.  We like to talk about our country, our work, our lives, the Lord, and whatever comes to mind.  I am probably a bit more conservative but that may be because of the era I was raised in.  I think each new generation thinks of the former as a bit old fashioned!  As a mom of young children, I leaned towards giving them Christian values, encouraging their independence, speaking out, asking questions, and learning about life and everything it entails.  I wanted to make sure that they had healthy foundations and felt free to make mistakes and learn from them.  My son and daughter are both forward thinking people with good morals and  hearts.  I like that!!  They follow in my footsteps with the basics and teach me some new ideas about life and children.


After one of my chats with Jane, I gravitated towards my email account and was surprised to receive a message from one of my granddaughter's friends.  It took me back a bit because I didn't know her ... it took a little back tracking to unwind the chain of events.  She had posted a message and my granddaughter had punched the "like" button therefore it showed up on my page.  After reading the posting, I put my two cents worth in about her posting of you're not good for me and I'm not good for you so I will love you like there's no tomorrow (kinda like that).  I posted a comment about the tomorrow consequences and I guess I hit a nerve because she thanked me for my wisdom.  I really love my teenaged granddaughter and have a heart for the teenagers of today.  They are barraged from every direction with sex, live for the moment, and if it feels good do it!!!  They dress like adults at age 5 and flirt without knowing the ramifications of their behavior.

It got me to thinking about my own childhood and why I am the way I am today.  First of all, I was a little bitty baby born in a little bitty hospital in a little bitty town.  (Sounds like a song??)  My surroundings were that of a cocoon ... at least until I could walk and manage to make my way around the town.  Everyone in town knew each other and if a stranger were to appear, everyone knew that as well.  The phone at my parents' home rang frequently, "Your little one has been here and left her purse ... she was headed west probably to her grandmothers."  My mother would phone my grandmother or head out to pick me up at some other location.

When I started school, I learned about the world of reading.  My mother had a librarian friend, Margaret Grove, who gave me books and I loved her gifts.  I still have Sinbad the Sailor!  I would head for the local library and take out books, devour them then return for more.  Learning was a privilege and I feasted on information.

Having been raised on a lake, the beauty of nature was all around me.  My family had cottages on the lake shore and although I never was a master swimmer, I enjoyed playing in the water and building sandcastles.  Around ten, I would take my pile of books and head for the beach.  I was never alone ... my friends, the characters of the stories being read, were my constant companions.  One of my favorite books was given to me by a dear friend the summer I graduated from high school.  Gift By the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.  I think he saw something in me that I didn't and I will be forever grateful for his guidance.


I began kindergarten and immediately loved school.  The only problem I had was with my coordination ... I was not very good at sports and was last to be picked on teams.  I think my feelings of inadequacy affected my coordination and my nervousness gave way to a poor showing.  Thank goodness, my children did not inherit my clumsiness and do excel in sports and being active.  School years were years of joy ... loving teachers, long friendships, dances, proms, roller skating, football games, wrestling matches, sleep overs, dating, singing...  I could go on and on.  Life was rather simple but full of many good things and people...

Life consisted of family events ... birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Father's Day, 4th of July, picnics, parades, concerts in the park, church ... later Brownie/Girl Scouts, choir, band, church, and time with friends events were added.  My life was busy and full of good influences, friends and family.


Like the teenagers of today, fashion was important but in a different way.  My mother always made sure that I had a Sunday best dress and shoes and enough school and play clothes to last a week.  My grandmother was a seamstress and made gathered skirts for me to wear.  I never thought they were stupid and was happy to pick out the material.  In school, I learned to sew (on a Singer treadle machine!) and started making my own dresses.  Oh gosh, some of them were so awful.  Good thing material was inexpensive!  I had cousins who were older than me and was so glad to get hand me downs.  Proms or special dances meant a new dress but makeup/hair/nails were done at home.  The closets in my home were quite small so what I had seemed like a lot.  I don't remember being jealous of what someone else wore or that they were more fashionable.  I started marching to the tune of my own drum early in life!!


Getting my driver's license was a big deal.  I was really sweating the parallel parking and gave a sigh of relief when I passed first go around.  My parents didn't feel that it was necessary for me to drive (period) so it was a treat when I would get the family car ... put twenty five cents worth of gas in it and drive up and down main street a few times.  Their theory was that I could walk wherever I needed to go and exercise was good for me.  Oh, the advantages of living in small town America!  My friend, Elaine, did have an old car and we would gather some friends and jump in for a tour of towns close by.  Since my curfew was 10:00PM, there wasn't much we could do to get into trouble.


I was thirteen when I had my first date.  I was really nervous.  We double dated with Robert's brother and girlfriend and went to a movie.  Golly ... here I was still playing with dolls and out on a date.  I laugh about that now.  I got my first kiss, a peck on the cheek and thought at that time that kissing was pretty overrated.  My parents allowed me to have a boy/girl party for my thirteenth birthday ... I fixed up the basement and hooked up my record player.  We danced around the furnace, had snacks and by 9:00PM, my guests were all gone.  I remember sitting downstairs for a long time thinking that I had arrived in the social world.


Today, I know that some of my friends from high school are reading my blogs.  I cherish the friendships I made from kindergarten to twelfth grade and hold them dear to my heart.  I am hoping that I will be able to attend our next reunion and celebrate with them.


In all the craziness of my childhood there was some stability that gave me strength and knowledge that life could be good ... that I was ok.  In my own world of humble beginnings, I harvested good memories and held on to them when life got out of sorts.  I am grateful that the good Lord placed me where He did when He did.  I learned to read, to have empathy for others, to do for myself and be independent ... I learned the value of family which included a sphere of many different souls.  I learned to overcome and cherish the good in people.  Even though much of my childhood remains a blank when it comes to interaction with my mother, father, and brother, more is coming to the surface and yea (!) I am handling it just fine.


I would say that I had a pretty good foundation in the first seventeen years of my life.  Yes, there were some hiccoughs and the tapes running in my brain got a little messed up but all in all, I can say that what man meant for evil, God meant for good and I will hang on to that until the day I die.


Our teenagers now need our love, our guidance and our voices.  If you don't like what they are doing, speak up for what is right.  They might not absorb it at the moment but at some point they will.  There are times when all of a sudden I remember something someone said to me ... I sometimes say to myself, "Oh, if only I would have listened..."  Then, I erase that thought and add, "I may not have listened then, but I am listening now!"


I hope and pray that you will grab the teenagers in your life and give them a big hug.  They need it ... they need us to stand up for what is true, what is good, and what is of God.  Plant those mustard seeds and water them.  If you stand by and say nothing out of fear, you are condoning out of control lifestyles and your message is loud and clear.  Inaction and not saying anything speaks loudly.


There are plenty of people who will tell you what you want to hear ... but, on the inside we know what is true, don't we?  Carpe' Diem!!

Always remember, you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!

P.S.  I couldn't get the "little bitty" out of my mind ... here you go ... enjoy your day!!!

Privacy

Good Morning!  What a beautiful morning it is in North Texas.  The yard fellows have just been here so the lawn looks so green and nice.  I had cataract surgery this week and still have some issues seeing but I can still appreciate God's beauty in my garden!!


As I was laying on the sofa this morning, I was thinking about why I hadn't been blogging lately.  In those quiet times when I can be completely honest with myself, I realized that I have been going through a time in my life when I needed privacy to think through some overwhelming reoccurring events.  I haven't been able to put into words what I am feeling yet my body speaks loudly.  Ever feel that way?


When I first started seeing a therapist in the 1980's, I would tell her those same words ... "I seem to be unable to express in words what I am feeling.  The words get jumbled up in my brain and when I try to talk, they come out in a way that doesn't always make sense."  One thing I did learn is that by having a kind active listener, I would, in the end, make perfect sense.  In unhealthy relationships, communication is usually the first thing to get fouled up.  Defensiveness raises it's ugly head and then communication shuts down leaving partners frustrated and more confused as ever.  Through training as a Stephen's Minister and lay counselor, I have gained knowledge in listening to not only words but to the body language and facial expressions as well.  Many say I am non judgemental and easy to talk to.  Rather than criticize, I encourage people to take as long as they want to make sense of what they are feeling.  I also give myself permission to do that without cutting myself down.   I give to others what I want for myself.


Privacy ... a time to live without someone looking into my every moment and dissecting it.  As a child, I was somewhat a loner.  I created a world of make believe and led a very happy life.  While some people are energized by living in a world of chaos, I need times of taking care of "moi".  Don't get me wrong, there's no one on this earth who enjoys get-togethers more than I do ... Having family here and listening to the rounds of laughter gives me such joy.  On Easter, my grandsons were chasing one another and having a grand time.  I thought, "In all too short a time, they will be absorbed in their own worlds and the chasing and laughter will give way to the electronic gadgets that are taking over our lives."


This morning, I thought about the the Serenity Prayer ...  I can influence others but the only person I can change and have control over is myself.  Most of the time, we only repeat or read the first few lines but I happen to take refuge in the entire poem.
  

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

Growing up and as an adult, I have prayed the Lord's Prayer and repeated the Ten Commandments.  These prayers plus God's moral values, make my life simple.  At least once a year, I reflect on these and make sure I am on the right track in life.  I pray for God to reveal any part of me that causes Him and others pain.  I take responsibility for myself and my actions (and inactions) and move forward.  It always feels so good to have done a moral inventory and cleaned house.


I do not have a mean bone in my body and have a tendency to overlook and think the best of people even when they are cruel, disrespectful, and hurtful.  When I went through trauma counseling, I learned that I needed to be more careful about that aspect of my life.  God did not mean for me to be a doormat for those with dirty feet.  I was raised to believe that "it" was my fault.  I laugh now because as an adult, I know that's not true.  If you look for the good you will find it ... if you look for the bad, you will find that as well.  What I needed to learn was balance and truth.  I had to learn that it is perfectly okay to express myself and have the freedom to live a happy life free of condemnation.


I think we have a responsibility in life to be specific when we talk with others.  To be vague leaves room for interpretation that may or may not be true.  At the end of my first marriage, I was devastated, hurt and left reeling from the uncovering of multiple affairs, addiction and lies.  I asked my husband, "Why didn't you talk to me so we could have worked on the things you hated about me?"  I was never given a chance and I vowed at that time to always express my areas of hurt with the people involved.  I believe that in being open, people have the opportunity to change and make things better.  When you love someone, you want their best and to do something that hurts them isn't an option.  To want to remain in the cesspool of anger, retaliation, and unforgiveness is not of God but to some it is their comfort.


My peace comes from my Lord and Savior.  My anxiety and pain comes from being human.  I struggle and wish I could be perfect ... Jesus tells me that He was  perfect and He was crucified.  He knows my pain and has held my hand on the journey of life.  His word is true and without blemish and I rest in His peace.


Words are so easy to say and as I said earlier, I have entered a period of pulling back.  Jesus tells me that those who return evil for good will be dealt with and that vengeance is His.  I have seen that happen over and over again and, in some ways, that makes me sad because I would rather we all come together in peace.


My day is mine to spend.  I am supposed to be resting my eye and (ahem) staying off my computer!!  I don't know ... I just felt like lifting the cover off my thoughts and sharing them.

I pray that you, my readers, will have a wonderful uplifting day.  I sign off with words that have given me serenity...

"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."~~ Psalm 32:7-8

The glue that binds us together!

Good Morning Readers!  It's a little cloudy and rainy but, no matter, I am enjoying my perch on the back porch.  God has blessed my gardens ... they are afire with color this Spring.  Don't you just love perennials?  Each Spring, they pop up prettier than the year before!  I'm always surprised as there are some volunteers that seem to come up where they weren't planted!!


I was thinking today about what holds families together...  I've heard the statement, blood is thicker than water and I know that's true; however, I think there's a whole lot more to it than that.  Over the years I've had to examine my own family of origin and have tried to find out what made it work or not work.  The baggage I have carried with me bogged me down for a long time ... then, I found that when I opened the suitcases and dumped all the contents out there was much worth saving.  The worn, ragged contents that needed to be tossed ... I tossed!!  It was hard though 'cause for a long time I felt guilty about opening my mouth and making choices that might cause someone else embarrassment.  The good stuff, I laundered and wore proudly!!


Most people in my mother's family were loud and outspoken.  The men of the family would get together and scream, swear and nearly come to blows about politics, life, and whatever...  You'd think they were the worst of enemies but upon departure they would decide to get together again soon!  Living on a farm, they worked together and played together.  My mother would relate stories to me about her childhood and how her father and brothers were often abusive and how her mother was distant.  With all of this on the table, she still wanted to visit them at least once a week making the 30 mile trip looking forward to seeing them all.  She would ache when she and her brother disagreed and he distanced himself from her.  In this instance, blood was thicker than water.  As a child, I was unaware of so much that transpired between the adults.  My cousins were so fun to play with and they all had good hearts.  Still do!


Most folks in my father's family were quiet and soft spoken.  My grandmother's home was a hub of lively conversation.  It was a rarity for her not to have company each and every day.  Bestemor's home was a feel-good place.  The families built their homes on God and a genuine love of one another.  We visited at least once a week and sometimes more often.  The glue?  God and respect.  My cousins on this side of the family were also fun to be around ... many were so much older than me since my father was the baby of the family.


In some ways, the marriage of my father and mother was like fire and water.  My father was a quiet, solid man who took his role of husband and head of the home seriously.  Before the war, I have heard him described as fun, full of the dickens, kind, and loving.  My mother was also described as fun and caring.  My father returned from the war and before they really knew how each other had changed during their time apart, they were married.  My mother loved my father deeply; however, role as a wife and mother took her away from her first love, her work.  Her work defined her and she excelled in her field.  She wanted me to have all the things she didn't have and made sure that I had pretty prom dresses and the opportunity to go to college.  What was the glue that held my family together?  My mother and father were married for better and worse ... they attended church and divided time between their own families of origin.  The word divorce was never brought up and they were cemented in their covenant!  My parents were committed to one another.

I left home at 17 to attend college.  I felt lost ... I'd lived in a small town, led a very defined life, and had never had to make decisions on my own.  The glue that held me together was gone...  I stumbled and tried as best I could to make some sense of who I was and what direction I wanted to go.  I've always wondered why a smart, sweet young lady struggled so much.  When I met my first husband, he offered what I'd always known ... my life with him was familiar and comfortable.  The glue that held us together was a familiar repeat of the past.  Just like my parents defined me, he defined me.  In today's terms, you would say we were very co-dependant on one another.

 In the mid 1980's, I took a 2 year class on the Bible.  Even though I was a Christian and was a good person, I knew that I needed to start building a new foundation.  I had been thinking that happiness was just that next prince in shining armor and I decided to swear off marriage.  What I didn't realize was that until I got rid of the old glue, I was destined to repeat my follies.


Have you ever tried to remove old glue that has set a long time?  It was a painful, strange process that meant hours of self examination, changing thoughts that I thought were logical, learning what was healthy and not so healthy, and cleansing my mind, body and soul.  Believe me, that didn't happen overnight.  What started as a visit to a psychologist in the early 1980's took many years to come full circle.  People would ask me why I continued in therapy only to repeat my past over and over.  I didn't have the answer to that ... all I knew is that somehow there was something I was missing.  My stubbornness and perseverance paid off and I was able to move through the mud to freedom.


The glue that holds me together is my faith and belief in the Lord Jesus Christ and the people who uplift and support me.  The glue that holds me together allows me to make mistakes, fail, and grow without condemning myself without mercy.  With that said, I am able to have healthy relationships and be open in my opinions, love, and in forgiving myself, I am able to forgive others.  I am not afraid and hold my head high.

What is the glue that holds my own family together?  Love, respect, commitment, a love of the Lord Jesus Christ, wanting the best for one another, sacrifice, giving, forgiveness...  For Michael and I we are God honoring and are bound by a life-time covenant ... we have an interdependent relationship.

Speaking of Michael, this morning he served me breakfast in bed.  What a treat!!  He also brought in his phone and we listened to the podcast The Benefits of Laughter by Pastor Joel Osteen.  We talked about laughter in our own lives and how we needed to share more of that with others.  Most of our memory-making moments in life involved laughter and we agreed that laughter is a great healer.

What glue binds you together and also binds you to your family and others?  Are you drawn to people who love to laugh and make the most of their God-given days or are you bound to those who live in the cesspool of life and are comfortable there?  I looked back on my life this morning ... at first I cringed at all my foils and fumbles THEN I realized that with every fumble I grew in maturity and knowledge.  I smiled and could laugh at my old thoughts realizing that my glue is now a healthy glue.

It's May 1st ... a day I remember as a fun day as a child.  I would make "May Baskets" and would deliver them to my friends ... they would chase me and try to catch me.  We would dance around the Maypole:

  

Dance Around the Maypole
In and out, in and out,
Weave the ribbons tight;
'Round the Maypole we will dance
To the left and to the right.

Times have changed and I doubt that many even celebrate May Day anymore.  I am grateful for good memories and the laughter life brings!

Have a wonderful day ... Look for the joy in life.  Laughter truly is good for the soul!!

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

How about joining hands with friends and family today and dance rejoicing in the glue that holds you all together!!