I've talked a lot about my childhood and life in general hoping that my voice would touch lives and offer hope. I must say, I am always amazed at how I keep on learning and growing. Each day brings a new chapter!
Today, I'd like to flip the coin and examine the other side ... parents who hurt. Because of my estrangement from my oldest daughter, my ears are always open to the hearts of parents who have shared my journey of hurt. There are millions of parents out there who have gone through or are going through estrangements, addictions, and abuse from their children. I am shocked at the number of web sites devoted to this subject and to the number of prayer requests from broken hearted parents and grandparents that I get.
When my babies were born, I held them, and felt such love for them. I wanted them to live fruitful lives and I had visions of us all as a family til death us do part. Each of my children was very much wanted so there was so animosity towards them or a feeling of being stuck with a mouth to feed. As they grew older, I realized that they had minds of their own ... I could guide but I could not be with them every moment of the day and night. Are there things that I would do different? Oh my gosh yes. With my background, I cringe at the mother I could have been without heavenly intervention.
We make decisions regarding our children based on our knowledge (in my case, I was a mom at 20) and what's in our hearts at the time. I don't know about yours but mine didn't come with instruction manuals. My mother didn't come to be with me when they were born so I winged it hoping that my skills wouldn't harm them. I am happy to say that all 3 are still kicking at 43, 41, and 36! Just like my parents and theirs before them, I did the best I could with the information and awareness of life that I had at the time.
In the years of personal therapy I had, many sessions were spent on my interaction with my children and how I could move forward in healthiness. In talking with other parents, many also shared my journey of seeking therapy in hopes that reconciliation could come about in a healthy way. If this wasn't a huge problem there wouldn't be so many Tough Love, 12 Step, and personal growth groups. More parents beat themselves up about their inadequacies as parents than children do about being wayward.
During one of my therapy sessions, we addressed my family dynamics. The counselor drew a tree on the board and we wrote down characteristics about each person in my family of origin. I also attended a family dynamics example session with one of my friends from church. As an observer, I found it quite interesting. Both sessions have helped me tremendously (at least in head knowledge). My healing had to start somewhere and I am grateful for each new learning experience.
One school of thought suggests that children are growing up now with a sense of entitlement that seems to overshadow loyalty and respect. As parents we try too hard and sacrifice too much and then are kicked to the curb as children justify, by a long list of real or imaged imperfections in us, their rationalization circumventing guilt. No manner of forgiveness, pleading or pain matters. Why is that?
My parents lost their fathers when they were very young. They also went through the Great Depression and had to learn to make their way early in life. Both had a sense of deep family loyalty and respect. My father called his mother "Mother" and my mother called hers "Mama." Their parents gave them little in the realm of material goods yet the one thing they gave both of them was a strong work ethic and sense of family. My father and mother wouldn't think of dishonoring their mothers either by word or action. My father quit school to help support his mother and my mother put herself through school while also helping out on the family farm. Their actions were quite selfless. When the family needed them, they were there ready to do what needed to be done.
As parents, we sacrifice; do without so they can have; enable; don't allow allow our children to fall then, try allowing them to fall; we listen; cry; develop guilt complexes; and bail them out ... we pray and beg God to restore them and our families. We love them unconditionally then wonder if we are loving them too much. There is always that sliver of hope ... that faint bit of light that stays with us as we go about our days. For me, it's taken many many years of self examination for me to accept life without my child. I am finally able to move forward without always looking back. Do I still pray? Absolutely!! Do I keep the light on? Absolutely!! Do I beat myself up? No. Do I have my life on hold? No. I have come to a peaceful realization that relationships must be free and, as such, we must hold our fellow life's travelers with an open hand and that includes our children.
Tonight, I am without TV and the house is quiet ... the clocks are ticking in unison and the dogs' nails are clicking on the wood floors as they make their way to and from their water bowl. My spirit is quiet and I look forward to tomorrow. My hand is always open those those who want to walk with me. I cannot go backwards and must keep planting my feet one in front of the other. I am not the mother I was at 20, 30, 40 or 50. I do not cover my scars nor do I hold grudges ... I stay in the today and look forward to my tomorrows. I have much to be grateful for.
Life isn't always the way we want it to be nor is it the way we dreamed it could be ... it just is life ... a journey one must make from birth to the grave hoping we make more right decisions than wrong ones. I haven't met too many people that screwed up their lives on purpose! All I know is that each of us are responsible for our flops, failures and successes and as our children reach adulthood, they are also responsible for theirs. We are not God and we cannot be perfect.
Some day, I hope that my children and grandchildren will know all about me and love me anyway. I hope they will fly with the freedom I have found and make the most of their days.
I am off to bed ... I will be praying for you and asking God to bless you and all your relationships. If we have faith then we will always have hope.
Blessings from the place that gives me that sense of sheltering peace!!
That was a beautiful blog. You are correct; it is difficult to know how to parent wisely. What filled your parents' time??...work, work, eating, sleeping, church, family, and a little t.v. or radio. What fills our kids' time? No wonder kids veer off course! Double-income families lend little extra time. We are all running around trying to keep up ...and not doing a very good job of it (I'm speaking for myself). Times have changed, yet we need to somehow connect with the values and morals of previous generations.
ReplyDeleteI love ya!!!
Jane