Privacy

Good Morning!  What a beautiful morning it is in North Texas.  The yard fellows have just been here so the lawn looks so green and nice.  I had cataract surgery this week and still have some issues seeing but I can still appreciate God's beauty in my garden!!


As I was laying on the sofa this morning, I was thinking about why I hadn't been blogging lately.  In those quiet times when I can be completely honest with myself, I realized that I have been going through a time in my life when I needed privacy to think through some overwhelming reoccurring events.  I haven't been able to put into words what I am feeling yet my body speaks loudly.  Ever feel that way?


When I first started seeing a therapist in the 1980's, I would tell her those same words ... "I seem to be unable to express in words what I am feeling.  The words get jumbled up in my brain and when I try to talk, they come out in a way that doesn't always make sense."  One thing I did learn is that by having a kind active listener, I would, in the end, make perfect sense.  In unhealthy relationships, communication is usually the first thing to get fouled up.  Defensiveness raises it's ugly head and then communication shuts down leaving partners frustrated and more confused as ever.  Through training as a Stephen's Minister and lay counselor, I have gained knowledge in listening to not only words but to the body language and facial expressions as well.  Many say I am non judgemental and easy to talk to.  Rather than criticize, I encourage people to take as long as they want to make sense of what they are feeling.  I also give myself permission to do that without cutting myself down.   I give to others what I want for myself.


Privacy ... a time to live without someone looking into my every moment and dissecting it.  As a child, I was somewhat a loner.  I created a world of make believe and led a very happy life.  While some people are energized by living in a world of chaos, I need times of taking care of "moi".  Don't get me wrong, there's no one on this earth who enjoys get-togethers more than I do ... Having family here and listening to the rounds of laughter gives me such joy.  On Easter, my grandsons were chasing one another and having a grand time.  I thought, "In all too short a time, they will be absorbed in their own worlds and the chasing and laughter will give way to the electronic gadgets that are taking over our lives."


This morning, I thought about the the Serenity Prayer ...  I can influence others but the only person I can change and have control over is myself.  Most of the time, we only repeat or read the first few lines but I happen to take refuge in the entire poem.
  

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

Growing up and as an adult, I have prayed the Lord's Prayer and repeated the Ten Commandments.  These prayers plus God's moral values, make my life simple.  At least once a year, I reflect on these and make sure I am on the right track in life.  I pray for God to reveal any part of me that causes Him and others pain.  I take responsibility for myself and my actions (and inactions) and move forward.  It always feels so good to have done a moral inventory and cleaned house.


I do not have a mean bone in my body and have a tendency to overlook and think the best of people even when they are cruel, disrespectful, and hurtful.  When I went through trauma counseling, I learned that I needed to be more careful about that aspect of my life.  God did not mean for me to be a doormat for those with dirty feet.  I was raised to believe that "it" was my fault.  I laugh now because as an adult, I know that's not true.  If you look for the good you will find it ... if you look for the bad, you will find that as well.  What I needed to learn was balance and truth.  I had to learn that it is perfectly okay to express myself and have the freedom to live a happy life free of condemnation.


I think we have a responsibility in life to be specific when we talk with others.  To be vague leaves room for interpretation that may or may not be true.  At the end of my first marriage, I was devastated, hurt and left reeling from the uncovering of multiple affairs, addiction and lies.  I asked my husband, "Why didn't you talk to me so we could have worked on the things you hated about me?"  I was never given a chance and I vowed at that time to always express my areas of hurt with the people involved.  I believe that in being open, people have the opportunity to change and make things better.  When you love someone, you want their best and to do something that hurts them isn't an option.  To want to remain in the cesspool of anger, retaliation, and unforgiveness is not of God but to some it is their comfort.


My peace comes from my Lord and Savior.  My anxiety and pain comes from being human.  I struggle and wish I could be perfect ... Jesus tells me that He was  perfect and He was crucified.  He knows my pain and has held my hand on the journey of life.  His word is true and without blemish and I rest in His peace.


Words are so easy to say and as I said earlier, I have entered a period of pulling back.  Jesus tells me that those who return evil for good will be dealt with and that vengeance is His.  I have seen that happen over and over again and, in some ways, that makes me sad because I would rather we all come together in peace.


My day is mine to spend.  I am supposed to be resting my eye and (ahem) staying off my computer!!  I don't know ... I just felt like lifting the cover off my thoughts and sharing them.

I pray that you, my readers, will have a wonderful uplifting day.  I sign off with words that have given me serenity...

"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."~~ Psalm 32:7-8