Days of Recovery

March 4, 2013

What a lovely morning.  The birds were singing away as I walked through the garden.  I'm so excited about the Iris that are blooming so profusely.  I dug most of them up at the empty lot across the street so I have no idea what color they are until they bloom.  SURPRISE!

I've begun to realize that I have more years behind me than I have ahead of me.  I think it's made me more observant, cherishing every moment of every day!  Today was no exception.  I've been given orders not to lift more than ten pounds which means no lifting Sadie or Toby.  I was trying to show them how to get up on the bed without me lifting, pulling, or pushing ... I finally gave up and we all slept on the sofa!

2013 has been quite a year.  It seems like challenges have become the norm and I get up, put on the full armor of God and get on with my daily living.  Have you ever watched a trainer tame a horse or a stubborn dog?  In the end, (hopefully) the trainer is still standing and the animal is left winded and spent.  "I give up!"

As I have mentioned before, I am a very persistent, stubborn lady.  When I ask for help you know that I really need it.  I have found that 2013 started out with a vengeance that knocked the wind out of me.  Mom's hospitalization; my fall; mom's passing, funeral, and settling her estate; Michael's hospitalization; and now, my cervical fusion.  I reached a point where I just flat out had no energy to take care of anyone but me and even that was a stretch.  I had so many emotions whirling around inside me that they would often times arise within minutes of each other.  One minute I felt like laughing and the next had tears running down my face.  You know the good thing about all this?  I had no energy to live someone else's life ... the control freak in me flat out gave up.  My trainer had done his work.  It was an odd feeling but in a good odd sort of way.

When I was released from the hospital last Friday, my son picked me up and took me to his home (Michael had another bout with his ulcer).  He, Angie, and my grandsons fussed over me, fed me, and "sat me down" for one of those family talks.  Again, It all felt so strange ... It felt nice and I knew I was loved.  Yet, I battled another one of those triggers of "you don't deserve this."  Now, I know that's not true but I was fully aware of the uncomfortableness of being cared for and being helpless.  As I lay in my bed, I had plenty of time to think through the past years and why I didn't want to be a burden to anyone.  I guess this is one of those times for me to embrace more feelings and move on in a better direction.  My first thing was to say, "Thank you."  The second thing was to move through the uncomfortable feeling to a place of serenity and peace.

It isn't wrong to take care of ourselves and live the life we were meant to live ... our own!!  Our ultimate trainer wants us to be kind, loving, and persistent.  He doesn't want us to live someone else's life or get so enmeshed with them that we become co-dependent.  Kelly Clarkson sings this great song ... whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger!  It certainly does. That being said, I think I'd gotten to the point of not feeling ~~ just going the through the motions of numbness.

There is something about giving up the fight of the self and yielding to the strength of the master.  Do you think that comes with wisdom and age?  Maybe.  There is something strong in weakness ~~ a time to move on from the "way I handled 'it' before."

I am so grateful for my children and the love they so graciously pour on me.  I am so grateful for friends who reach out and grab my hand when I'm about to fall off a cliff.  I am so very grateful for a Lord who has patiently wrestled me to the ground, one challenge at a time until I was completely His.  I have this deep peace and serenity.  I'm not sure I can adequately explain the depth of this completeness.

Tell you what ... close your eyes and imagine yourself falling out of control.  At the moment you think that you are going to crash, you land on this beautiful soft blanket.  Imagine the feeling of complete surrender and utter stillness.  Good stuff!

My throat is very sore and drinking sodas is impossible.  I've been wanting to quit drinking so many Coke Zeros and this looks like a good time to do just that ~~ another blessing in disguise.  I talk less and smile more!!  I fretted a little bit about it, wondering if my raspy voice would be permanent then told myself ... "I'll cross that bridge when it comes."  There I go again with this quiet serenity knowing that it's gonna be okay!!  In the meantime, my neighbor comes over, smiles, and says, "Laugh for me."  My laugh is so funny ... sometimes, when I'm by myself I laugh just to hear myself laugh!!

My eyes are growing tired which means it's time for a nap.  Hubby brought me some Malt-O-Meal and milk this morning.  He handed it to me with a sheepish grin  ... "How'd it get so lumpy?"  I laughed and worked my way around the lumps.  With practice, he'll get better!  I took a walk through the gardens, and am finishing up my blog.  It's good to have a plan!

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

Miss Dottie

PS  "Where there is no struggle, there is no strength." ~~ Oprah Winfrey