A Psychotic Break, Part I

Tuesday
June 13, 2017

Dear Readers,

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 

~2 Timothy 1:7

It's a great morning to be alive and kickin'! That first cup of coffee tastes WONDERFUL and the sound of the birds chirping makes me smile. I am on this kick of having chocolate covered glazed donuts for breakfast and enjoying every moment of my indulgence!

For months now, I've been putting off talking about my stay in the hospital this past January. Maybe because some of it was pretty scary & raw; but, maybe because I still don't understand it all.

On January 10, 2017, I entered the operating room to have 5 levels of my spine fused. I've had more back/neck surgeries than I care to count and all had gone smoothly ~ I had no reason to think this surgery would be any different. I was taking photos of my IV and the gorgeous socks that donned my feet. My spirits were soaring thinking of how I would be able to walk again without pain ... all good.

Once I was put to sleep, I was in the surgeon's hands. I do not remember the surgery itself, the oops that went wrong, or my time in the Recovery Room. My first recollection of being awake was when I was in ICU. I looked to my right and saw a man sitting there beside me. He had fangs, not teeth. There were several demonic looking figures to my left that were all staring intently at me like vultures over prey. They wore dark sweatshirts and had large bloody eyes. The room was dimly lit but I could see clearly enough to recognize the weapons in their hands.

In my mind, I was in a place where I was in danger. I argued with my captors sure that I would soon be among the dead. I was tied down with tubes everywhere and my neck hurt from the the port that kept my head from moving from side to side. My mind told me that they had taken me to a room in the basement of the hospital.

To show you how determined I was to survive, I remembered that I had my cell phone, and managed to call 911. Believe it or not, the police did show up. I begged them to not let those people hurt me. I couldn't believe that those policemen would leave me there and pleaded with them to call my family (which they did).

When my captors would leave my room, I began to think about more ways to escape. I knew that if I didn't at least try, I would not see another day. With all the strength I could muster, I pulled out the tubes and wires from my arms and neck and got out of bed. The tubes attached to my legs (to prevent blood clots) kept me from leaving my (perceived) cell. I heard voices, "My God, she's out of her bed and there's blood everywhere."

The man with the fangs reappeared and brought his demons with him. They gave me a shot and I relaxed into a fitful slumber unable to protect myself. I was living the horrors of confinement. More voices, "Sit with her and don't let her move." Every time I opened my eyes, the demons were sitting there staring at me. I was terrified and my only thoughts were of escaping.

My next recollection was that of a visit by my doctor. In my mind, I was taken to a big room outside a banquet hall for examination. Dr C asked me questions and I tried to tell him about the demons and the place they were keeping me in the basement. I needed him to protect me. His face registered a concern that I didn't understand at the moment. (More about this in Part II)

The nurse brought me a tray from the banquet hall and wanted me to eat. I knew that if I ate the food it would kill me and I refused to open my mouth. They brought me pills and waited until I took them. I put them in my mouth, moved them under my tongue, and pretended to swallow them. When, the nurse left the room, I spit the pills into a Kleenex and closed my fist around the cloth. I was fighting for my life.

At times, my mind saw psychedelic colors ... colors so bright that an artist could not paint the scene and do it justice.  I'd never seen such beauty. Those of you who know me, know how much I love interior design and the majesty of nature. In those episodes, I was a spectator of beauty. There's no way I can begin to describe the majesty the colors commanded. I found comfort in those visions and had a sense of sadness when they left.

Just as the mind altering events "began," they disappeared once I was moved to a regular room. Slowly, I began to recover a more sane mind. I celebrated my beautiful room, the window next to my bed, and praised the cleaning people for making it so perfect each day. The cook would make me her specialties and I savored every bite. What I didn't understand is why I was being watched so carefully and not allowed out of bed except to use the bathroom.

The reason I am writing about this? During that time of mental disorientation, I was convinced that I was at the mercy of those who would do away with me. I would have murdered them in order to survive. I had experienced a psychotic break with reality and was given an opportunity to know first hand what someone with a mental illness or those on drugs experiences in the mind. "It" was not real, but in my mind "it" was.

There is a medical term for what I experienced: ICU Psychosis. It's a disorder in which patients in ICU or a similar setting experience a cluster of serious psychiatric symptoms. It's a form of delirium, or acute brain failure. For those of you with family or friends in an ICU setting, please be aware this can happen...

I entered a world that I knew nothing about and couldn't understand until I experienced it. The mind is a fragile thing that can crack under duress or side effects of drugs. It was a frightening experience that I not only experienced once but twice. (More about that in tomorrow's blog).

Today, I am more compassionate towards those that have permanent mental impairment or are addicted to mind altering drugs. Once I left the ICU, my symptoms disappeared ... I was fortunate. My mother-in-law experienced Sundowner's which is similar. I couldn't understand how a perfectly lucid woman could have such bizarre thoughts when evening approached. I've wondered how someone's impaired thinking could lead them to commit suicide. Today, I can say, I understand.

My prayers today are for those who are ill and in an ICU setting that could lead to ICU Psychosis. Father be with them and their families as they walk through that dreaded valley of despair. I pray for those who use mind altering drugs to create the psychodelic visions that can be so hauntingly beautiful. May they find their way back to what is beautiful in the real. I pray that new strides would be made for the elderly who experience Sundowner's. I pray for new discoveries in the treatment of the mentally ill ... those tormented souls who cannot escape the demons around them. I pray for the families and friends of those affected by the mental illnesses of their loved ones ... for tolerance, for patience, for supernatural love and understanding. Amen

Always in Christ's love, Miss Dottie

PS "One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star." ~Friedrich Nietzsche