Christmas Rain on a Thursday!

Hallelujah!

December 15, 2011

Brr! I am back in Texas.  Been in a bit of a purple funk and really missing my Florida family.  It has taken me a couple days to adjust to being home.  I've found myself sleeping more ... gotta get back in the groove.  It's Christmas!!

It is really cold and rainy here today.  I was hoping to go outside and write my blog ... not a good idea.  The wind is driving the rain up on the back porch, the thunder sounds ominous, and I'd need a pair of those gloves without the fingers to type.

My choice??  Stay inside by the fire and regroup making a list of what I need to do before Christmas gets here in a couple weeks.

I just read Billy Graham's newest book, NEARING HOME.  The Reverend Billy Graham is a man I have admired and listened to for years.  My friend, Susie, mentioned his book in a Facebook entry and I decided I would give it a read.  Good stuff.  I've never wanted to just "take up space."  It's always been important to me to give my family the legacy of my character and my faith.  Yes, I have made a whole lot of mistakes in my life; however, my heart has always been pure and my faith deep.  I want others to remember that I was a survivor in life and claimed victory over the voices than ran rampant in the bowels of my brain affecting my choices.  I'm sure some would call me a Jesus fanatic.  That's ok.  Without Him, I'd hate to think where I would be now.

Something really hit home with me in NEARING HOME ... the words "then" and "now" ... words Ruth (Billy's wife) spoke often.  Ever have a past you'd like to forget?  Ever had people not forgive you no matter what you did to make amends?  That was then ... now is now ... who are you now ... what are you doing now?  You and I can't go back and do a rerun of our lives.  We did what we did based on who we were and were experiencing in that season of time.  What we can do is make our lives count for something now.  We can forgive and move on no matter what others do or say to or about us.  When someone keeps bringing up your past, tell them that was then and now is a new day ... a new you.  With your confession and atonement, Jesus wiped your slate clean.  Be who God meant for you to be ... today!!  Hold your head high.  My counselor, Ruth, told me years ago ... "Dottie, the only people who like doormats are those with dirty feet."  Remember that!!

Last night I watched The XFactor on television.  The performances were all very good and I'm not sure who I would vote off the show.  One song that truly touched my heart was Hallelujah sung by Josh Krajcik.  Amazing!  Each contestant has such a touching story and I like that ... I clapped for all of them hoping they will be able to use the show as a springboard to changed lives.  I may not be into all of the music genre's but I am in to feeling their spirits!  It is my hope and prayer that the fame and new found financial freedoms will not warp their hearts as often times it does.  Yep...I watch a show and pray for those on it!  No matter how old I get, it is my own prayer that I will always be able to pray in a clear mind. 

I am so glad each Christmas Eve!  Yes, I am.  I am grateful for the babe in the manger and all the hoopla that goes along with the celebration of my savior's birth.  I can't wait to sing the traditional Christmas Carols and mingle with fellow believers.  I love the green boughs with the red berries and pureness of Winter snow.  And, the smells of Christmas.  How can anyone forget the smells of Christmas??  The magic of this wondrous night resounds throughout the world never to be muffled.

Ah yes ... Christmas ... a time excitedly anticipated by young and old.  A culmination of all the efforts gone into making sure that every thing is merry and bright.  I say this also remembering Christmas's when I was alone in Texas while my children traveled to Minnesota for Christmas with their father.  Last year, I'd had neck surgery, Michael worked Christmas Eve and, once again, Christmas was ... well, different.  I am so deeply grateful that I had my faith to carry me through ... I wandered through the house touching the many decorations that brought back memories and smiles.  I remembered the real reason for the season and strangely enough, my focus brought me peace.  Christmas isn't always about family gatherings and presents ... sometimes, it's about introspection and a savoring of the gift of a Savior.

This morning, I watched the movie, It's A Wonderful Life.  I am a sucker for tradition and have watched the movie each year for, oh gosh, thirty plus years.  Every time I watch it, I see and hear something new.  We really never know how much we affect other people's lives, do we?  Remember that as you drive down the road, walk through the malls, or, in general, interact with those around you.  How about a kind word, a smile?

It is so very quiet in the house this morning.  Michael, Toby and Sadie are napping and the only sound is the clacking of my fingers on the keyboard.  It's times like this that visions of life float about me traveling as a mist through my mind and heart.  It's a time I feel close to God and to the world about me.  This morning, my mind travels to thoughts of all things Christmas!!  I eagerly look forward to spending time with my Texas family ... tomorrow is my youngest grandson's Christmas program at school and also my youngest child's thirty-seventh birthday!  What a fabulous way to start the weekend!  The next couple weeks will be quite busy!!

Until we chat again, I wish you love and joy this Christmas Season!  Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

Time is a ticking!

Merrrryyyyy  Christmas, Readers!  Countdown to Christmas continues from my comfy chair in my room in Florida!!  Last Christmas, I found a clock at Tuesday Morning that played Christmas carols on the hour.  The sales clerk warned me that the clocks had been returned by many a buyer saying that they couldn't get them to work.  I figured for $9.99, it was worth a try.  I took my bargain home with me and for once read the directions before hanging it up on the wall.  The directions were confusing at best and I could understand why the clocks had been returned.  I was determined to hear the songs and kept at it until the clock was ticking joyfully.  The songs were wonderful ... so wonderful that I couldn't bear to take the clock down after Christmas.  It's still hanging in the living room and still entertaining me.  One year later, it reminds me that Christmas is getting close one tick and carol at a time.

I have people who think I am the proverbial bright eyed optimist 24/7.  That's true most of the time but today, my allergies are eating my lunch ... My nose is running, eyes itching, and I am coughing til my throat hurts.  My body is aching from the fibromyalgia and, I am just feeling rather yuk.  Now, that being said, I am looking forward to a fun day with my Florida family.  I usually allow myself a measured amount of self-pity time then take out the wa wa wa tapes and put in some peppy music.  It's time...

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer...  How can you not remember Burl Ives singing this song?  Or, Grandma/Mama Got Run Over by a Reindeer?  Hmmm ... my children loved to pester me with this song.  In fact, they loved to get in my face and sing quite loudly until I chased them around the house finally catching them and giving them Christmas hugs.  Crazy kids ... when I think about it, Jane and Tommy still love to pester me!  I loved it then and love it now!

  

Deck the Halls...  As I have mentioned in my blogs, I am a sentimental sap and most things in my home have a story behind them and meaning to me.  The Christmas decorations are no different.  When I open my tubs in the month of November, it's like being a kid opening gifts with precious long awaited treasures.  There are my nutcrackers, santas, elves, fairies, ornaments, and candles.  I'm always surprised because I sometimes forget what I have added new in the previous year.  This year was kind of odd to me.  Since the main house is on the market, I didn't decorate it for Christmas sticking just to the little casa.  There aren't as many places to display my treasures so many of them were left carefully wrapped in their tissue paper.

A Christmas to Remember...  Many of you who have followed my blogs know that Hamilton Elf came to live with me last Christmas.  I've written two stories about him and it is my goal in 2012 to at least get the first one published.  Since I've not written a book for publishing before, it's taken me a long time to figure out how to go about this.  My son in law, Tim, and I were having lunch at Panera Bread Company last week and the lady sitting at the table next to us had her laptop out and a large box sitting beside her.  As we got up, I noticed that she had a stack of children's books in the box.  I introduced myself and asked her if she was an author.  Yippee!  She was.  She gave me the address of her publisher and was quite encouraging.  I looked them up on the Internet and there was a wealth of information.  Thank you, Lord!!  I just got the information forwarded to my email address so I have pages to muddle through when I get back to Texas.

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire...  When I was in England, I enjoyed the chestnuts being roasted on the street corners.  I think that I liked the picture of the men dressed rather drably standing over a barrel selling their roasted treats more than the foreign taste of these morsels.  It was a cold day and the heat from the chestnuts warmed my gloves as well as my tummy.  I asked the vendor how to eat them and he just laughed at me.  I must say, the food there was "different" at best and it was one vacation that I lost weight rather than add those few extra pounds of tasty samplings.

Frosty the snowman... Don't you just love the snow.  As a kid, I couldn't wait for the first snowfall.  I would rush outside and the first thing I would do is build a snowman to mark the beginning of Winter.  Minnesota winters could get pretty darn cold.  Often times, my snowman would last for weeks.  We don't get snow that often in Texas but when we do, everything shuts down and children as well as adults are out slipping, sliding, and making their own versions of snowmen.  Toby and Sadie just love to romp through the fresh flakes and I love to watch them try to catch the snow on their tongues.

Silent night... Silent night.  Even the quiet of Christmas brings joy and a time of introspection.  There are times I like to go outside at dusk and gaze up into the heavens.  I can see my breath against the darkness and pull my coat tight about me.  It's nights like this that I sometimes put a pile of Pinon Wood into the chiminea and get lost in the dancing fire before me thinking of the times my I trod on the packed snow beneath my feet the cold stinging my lungs.

Do You Hear What I Hear???  Everywhere I go, I am reminded of Christmas.  Songs being played as Christmas lights blink in unison to the music, folks whispering about what to buy for family and friends, tales of Christmas's of long long ago, the ringing bells of the Salvation Army...  I also read the newspapers and take in the nightly news.  Besides the brightness of the Christmas Season there is also a dark side looming.  There are people out of work, those struggling to make ends meet, and children whose stockings will be empty this Christmas morning.   Like many others, my family is also feeling the pressure of today's down turned economy.  I struggle with wanting to give more than I should and do more than I ought.

So This Is Christmas...  Yes, this is Christmas 2011.  As my son would say, "It is what it is."  It is Christmas and Christmas will be what my family and I make of it.  For sure, I know that we will be sitting in churches in Florida and Texas worshipping the Babe in the manger.  For sure, we will be gathering separately yet together in knowing that we are family.  I will be cooking Christmas Dinner in my new kitchen at the little casa filling the air with all smells and goodies that mean Christmas.  Michael and I will visit Mom in the nursing home and bring her "Santy Claus" presents.  Her eyes will light up as she opens the little doo dads in her stocking and she will get tears in her eyes saying, "You are so good to me."  Our neighbors, Beverly and Don, don't have children so we will invite them over, thanking God for all they have meant to us this past year.

Christmas will be everything it should be and that gives me a sense of peace.  I wish I could capture those times growing up as my family traveled to Bestemor's home and to my Grandmother Belle's farm and later on to my Aunt Sis's home.  It was all about family then ... for better or worse!

May your days be merry and bright...  Always know that you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU

PS:  Note to me and you ... if your Christmas's have been all things material, what happens when money is scarce?  Will your Christmas be bleak and meaningless?  If all you have is your joy of a Savior and each other is that enough to make your Christmas the best ever??  Good food for thought!!

 

December thoughts on a light filled night!

Mary Did You Know?

December 6, 2011  ...  Countdown to Christmas continues.  Can you believe it is December 6th already?  I'm glad that I decorated the little casa before I left for Florida.  I will be ready to turn on all the lights and cook up a storm when I get home.  I just love this time of year and don't want to miss a beat!!

We ate dinner out on the lanai.  I am still learning to use my new camera and am always on the lookout for something or someone to take a photo of.  I happened to catch Oscar waiting for his meal to be served.  Oscar loves me and I love him.  The trouble is ... I am very allergic to cats.  Even with allergy meds, my eyes still itch and, oh goodness ... the dark bags are quite ... well, unbecoming.

  

Anyone out there besides me that has challenges with all (technical) things new and different?  As I said, I am learning to use my new camera.  These new cameras are great (just like the new phones) but the learning curve is quite taxing.  I think I should be able to pull something out of the box and wham bang be an expert ... doesn't work that way.  I have to be careful that my frustration level doesn't get the best of me!  Luckily, my camera came with a tutorial so that's my next step.  I know I need a new phone 'cause my old one of seven years is wearing out and that I hate that ... all I want to do is make and receive calls.  I much prefer talking in person ... a lost art, I think ... now it's "texting" that keeps folks connected.  I'm all for KIS (keeping it simple).

The night air in Florida stirs my soul ... it is cool enough to make me want to pull on a sweater yet warm enough to be out and about.  Being an outdoors person, I am in pig heaven!  I hear it is quite cold back in Texas so I will be in for quite a change when I go home next week.  Tomorrow night I plan to do a walk through the neighborhood and get some photos of the beautiful lights.  I feel like I am taking a walking tour of a Winter Wonderland just stepping outside and walking a few blocks.

I have been busy wrapping Christmas gifts for my daughter.  I love to do it and it has helped her out with her busy schedule.  I am a sucker for beautifully wrapped gifts ... in fact, a sucker for all things "pretty" ...   I have my tub of "decorator picks," ribbon, scissors, glue gun and a variety of papers.  I create quite a mess and burn my fingers a few times but, it's worth it when I see my creations.  We've gone through a mountain of wired ribbon this Christmas ... wish I had a quarter for every bow I've made!!

Ever watch the show The Biggest Loser?  I never have but watched it tonight.  I was so amazed at the transformation of the people on the show ... not just their bodies but their mind set.  The trainers at The Ranch must double as counselors 'cause they sure get into the meat of the contestants issues of why they gained so much weight.   Don't know if I will watch it again but it was worth a peek.  Funny, everything I've been reading lately and watching lately as pointed to "truth" ... truth may not be pretty but it is what it is and once truth comes into the light, it loses it's power except to propel us forward staying in the light.  As for me, I refuse to go back into the hell hole of darkness.  NEVER!!

I gaze up into the heavens wondering what Mary and Joseph were thinking as they made their way towards Bethlehem.  They hadn't called ahead to make reservations nor had Mary consulted her obgyn before getting on a donkey and traveling a long distance on a dusty bumpy dirt road.  Talk about trust and obedience ... they knew where they were going and just moved forward trusting the Lord with their fates and the life of their unborn child.  I wish I could have been a fly on the back of one of the cows at the manger.  I have this vision of the total awesomeness of that night.  For a few hours, just Mary, Joseph, the newborn Jesus and the animals in the stable ... peace, love, joy.  What did Mary feel knowing that she gave birth to the man who would one day save us all?  Did she know the pain her son would go through?

I had a Christmas baby and he came home from the hospital in a Christmas stocking.  We had looked forward to his birth for nine long months ... I had taken fertility drugs to get pregnant so we knew within days of his conception.  The afternoon we arrived home from the hospital, I wrapped him snugly in a soft blanket and set him under the Christmas tree.  We were in awe ... here he was.  We would gaze upon his small face for hours, cradling him in our arms.  I think I know how Mary felt ... my heart was full of love for my baby son that Christmas 1974.

My blog has taken the form of a diary of thoughts often times moving quickly from subject to subject.  Isn't this the way we think though, our thoughts moving here and there recounting our days and solving the issues at hand?  My prayers are like that as well ... there are times when my heart and mind light up with snapshots of those brought before me.  Sometimes, I don't even know the people but I see them.  I covet the times of a retreat ... time spent only in prayer and listening.  Maybe I will do that when I return to North Texas.  The little casa offers that peacefulness...

Night has come ... the light flickers in my room casting shadows here and there.  It is time to rest knowing that tomorrow will arrive soon enough.

May your thoughts turn to our blessed Savior born that night at a stable in Bethlehem.  What gifts would you bring him knowing that He would die on a cross for you?  As we come together this Christmas, let us sing praise for the gift He gave us!!

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!  If you're reading this and are wondering if anyone cares, be assured, God does and he puts you on the hearts of prayer warriors.  You are never alone!



Here's to 6 years of bliss wrapped up in a package called Nicholas!

The Greatest by Kenny Rogers dedicated to Nicholas!

December 7, 2011

And, a Merry Christmas morning to you, Readers!  The countdown to Christmas Eve and Day continues from my perch out in the lanai in Florida!

Oh goodness, it's such a gorgeous day I can hardly stand it.  I am sitting here listening to the water fall into the pool from the spa.  I look up and gaze into the stand of pine trees behind the house.  The sky is a deep blue and a few fluffy white clouds add dimension to my view.  God's paintbrush at work!!

Six years ago, my youngest grandson, Nicholas Paul, was born in Plano, TX.  It was a wintry, snowy day which made it impossible for me to see him until he was a day old!!  Now that's torture for a grandmother!!  He was such a beautiful baby, a wonderful Christmas gift to the entire family!!  The good Lord knew what He was doing when He created Nicholas!

Psalm 139  "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb ... I am fearfully and wonderfully made ... my frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place ... Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

To meet Nicholas is to meet a ray of sunshine ... His smile lights up a room and his impish ways have me wrapped around his little finger.  To spend time with him makes my world turn upside down and inside out ... in a good way.

"Life, love, and laughter.  What priceless gifts to give our children."~~Phyllis Dryden

Nicholas has a creative spirit and a gentle soul.  He's shy, not given a whole lot to long bouts of conversation.  A year ago, Nicholas discovered the world of t-ball and baseball. He hasn't been the same since.  Dad, Tommy, took him by the hand, tears streaming down Nicholas's face ... "I can't, Dad..."  "Yes, you can, son, I know you can ... I'm right here beside you." 

"Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children."~~Charles Swindol

Those early days were hard on Nicholas and his mom and dad, too.  It's tough to watch children go through those times of fear and watch them falter time and time again.  One day, something clicked inside of Nicholas's heart and mind.  "I can and I will..."  He's ferocious on that field playing positions of third base, second base, catcher, and shortstop.  For a little guy, he's got a mighty arm ... a force to be reckoned with!

"For the spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."~~II Timothy 1:7

This past year says a lot about my grandson.  He learned to play t-ball and excelled enough to be asked to play on a tournament team this Fall.  AND, he made the transition from preschool to kindergarten.  Like his brother, Zachary, Nicholas is a good student loved by his classmates and teacher alike.

New situations are difficult for Nicholas yet he is an overcomer.  He's not afraid to express his fears and the tears flow easily.  I like that...  To be able to express fear means that there is an opportunity to come alongside and give that needed support and encouragement. 

I think that Nicholas is a little guy on the cusp of greatness.  Why?  Just call it grandmotherly intuition.  That greatness may come in a way we least expect it but it will be there.  This Fall when trophies were handed out, this five year old truly deserved his prize.  He began a new quest and finished well.  Isn't that what life's all about anyway?  We come into this world and we run the race of life one milestone at a time.

Happy Birthday Nicholas!  May your day be as special today as it was the day you made your way into this world..  Keep on being who you are inching forward one day at a time.  I wish I was there to hug you and sing Happy Birthday in person.  Hopefully, your mommy and daddy will read you my blog.  You inspire me!!

"Nobody can do what grandparents for little children what grandparents do.  Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children."~~Alex Haley

I declare this hug a (grand)child day ... Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU ... wherever you are!!

    

One Small Tree

Silent Night ... Holy Night ...

 



Christmas Florida Style

Good evening, Readers!!  It's Christmastime!  All you have to do is walk outside and you know that it's here!  I am a sentimental old sap and love thinking about Christmas holidays past, present, and future!


Grandmother
Maggie

Last August, I had the opportunity to get together with many of my cousins from my father's side of the family to honor my Aunt Helen.  It was a wonderful time of remembering our common heritage.  My grandfather, Carl, passed away as a rather young man so the focus of many a conversation was my Grandmother Maggie.  Even though she was a quiet little lady, her influence was strong...


As children, we tend to remember events as snapshots ... I think that I mix up some Christmas's remembering those bits and pieces as one when they were several.  I am grateful for those times and the warmth generated by my memories growing up in small town America.


My Father
Ernest Tilman

My father served in World War II and came home the Christmas of 1945.  Wow!  What a celebration that must have been.  I wish someone would have journaled about it because, I heard so often that he received quite a homecoming.  I was born in 1946 and the years following the war into the 1950's were especially festive.  After all, Ernest was home safe from the war!!  The movie, It's A Wonderful Life epitomized these years and is, to this day, my all time favorite movie!!


What was my Christmas like growing up in the 1940's and 1950's?  It was about family gatherings and parties, snow, smorgasbords, Norwegian delicacies, a nutcracker in my hands as a toddler, music, Christmas Eve candlelit services ... and, that one, small tree...

Kaldahl House
My Father's Birthplace

My earliest memory of Christmas was at my Great-Aunt Bessie's home.  My father was born in her house in January of 1917.  My grandmother, took me upstairs to show me the room and the bed where he came into this world.  There was a fire in the fireplace and the aroma of every kind of hot dish and Norwegian delicacies filled the air.  Oh, those wonderful meatballs.  Yum!  Bessie had an old nutcracker from Norway -- I clutched it in my fists thinking it was so beautiful.  I hid in a stairway, wishing I could take it home with me.  I have been blessed by my son with many wonderful nutcrackers from Germany and each time I unwrapped one, I recalled that Christmas so long ago...

Grandmother and her daughter, Alida, were busy throughout the year, knitting and crocheting gifts for family and friends.  They would check out the local fairs and duplicate the newest styles of mittens, scarves, potholders, and slippers.  Packages were wrapped in tissue paper held together with curled ribbon.  Each gift was carefully made in colors that they thought the recipient would like.  Sometimes, there was a swap of colors but we all received the same gift as children.  My mother and father received a hand crocheted tablecloth one Christmas that I am using now.  Each time I put it on the table, I smile wondering how many meals were served over that piece of cloth.  It's something, I can hold and feel the specialness.  Christmas was a time of bringing out the china, the nice silver and doing lots of laughing and hugging.


I remember my Uncle Lester bringing bags of groceries to my grandmother for Christmas and how her face lit up as she looked inside.  I wondered how someone could get so excited about a bag of food.  Uncle Lester had twinkly eyes and he looked a lot like my dad.  He seemed really tall to me but I don't think that's very accurate ... everyone seemed larger than life to me as a small child!


My grandmother had steps leading to the upstairs of her home.  As children, when we got bored, we would open one of the stairs where she kept comic books, toys, and baseball cards.  Her house was rather small and the noise level rather loud at Christmas.  There was my grandmother, her seven children and their spouses (except for Aunt Alida who was known as a spinster), a gazillion (it seemed that way) grandkids, and a multitude of my grandmother's family who lived in the area.  I'll bet Grandmother Maggie was glad when it was time for us all to head home and get ready for midnight church!

Church ... magnificent stained glass windows, music played on the organ, candles blazing at the altar, parishioners greeting one another with Merry Christmas...  The smell of evergreen filled the air as we gathered...  There were a lot of Norwegians at Glenwood Lutheran and we sang a carol in their native tongue --Jeg er sa glad hver julekveld.  Church and family ... the center of my Grandmother Maggie's life.  It was important, so very important.  Now, it is important to me too.

One Christmas in particular, there was a small tree placed on the table in the corner of my Grandmother's parlor.  It smelled so good ... I wanted to press my nose against the prickly branches but I'd been told not to touch.  The ornaments were very old and today I wonder what became of them.  I remember sitting on the davenport gazing into the tree, my little arms folded on the arm rest.  I thought about how beautiful it looked with the twinkling lights and ice cycles.  There weren't any presents under the tree and I hoped that Santa would visit Grandma and Alida because they were good to everyone all year.  My mother liked dressing me up ... my "frock" was made of taffeta and my mary jane shoes fit tightly on my feet.  My hair was dark brown and curled ... I felt like a pretty princess.  The room was so quiet but I know it wasn't ... I must have been in a world of my own, lost in the beauty of Christmas.


Thank you for walking down memory lane with me.  We all have those memories of small trees when the magic of Christmas completely filled us to the point of being aware of nothing else in this world.  I am so fortunate to have these snapshots in my heart for they give me a sense of serenity and well being.  I knew who I was, where I came from, and was surrounded by the love of all things Christmas.

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

What can I give Him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb.
If I were a Wise Man
I would do my part.
Yet what can I give Him?
I give Him my heart.
--Christina Rossetti

Change my heart oh God!

Change my heart oh God...

December 5, 2011

Good Morning~  It's still dark outside but I am wide awake.  Thought I just might invite you in for a sip of coffee and a chat.  The days seem so short now and when it gets dark I think I'm supposed to sleep.  After a few nights of extra sleep, I wake early ... guess my sleep tank gets to the point of overflowing!

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I read the book ENEMIES OF THE HEART by Andy Stanley.  I've been waking up (or during the day, woolgathering) thinking about what he wrote.  Life has been a process for me ... a time of a gradual healing from the inside out.  I have come to doubt overnight healing other than the fact that one day I realized that I felt different -- I was different.  I have put in my time with counselors, books, and trial and error.  Many have asked me, "Why don't you just live (period). If God accepts you just as you are why have you had this quest for wholeness and change?"  Well, yes, God did and does accept me as I am; however, He also has encouraged me to be the best I can be growing in spiritual maturity.  I have found that those who have gone through trials can either throw in the towel and become victims or they can rise above and become victorious.  I have chosen the later.  I love learning and growing!

In all my travels, quests, and gathering of information, I first intellectualized and knew what was right -- morally, spiritually, and physically.  What I didn't realize was that I had to really feel my knowledge in my heart.  My heart took a very long time to accept truth and heal ... over thirty years!

The Lord tells us to guard our hearts for our hearts are the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)  It is in our hearts that the evil one takes hold claiming us through guilt, anger, jealousy, and greed.  Whatttt?  You say ... I don't have any problems with those!  Unless, you're a Jesus clone, you do and I do...

Ever hear, "He's a good person.  He's got a good heart -- just got into a little trouble that's all."  Wrong.  Wrong?  I've said that over and over and never thought that much about it.  Andy Stanley, brought new light to my thoughts.  Good people do good things and are kind and thoughtful.  Pretending someone is good when they are exhibiting bad behavior does nothing more than invite further misadventures.  My ex-husband attended Pathways and told me that his group nicknamed him "Black Heart".  At the time, I thought that was a terrible thing to do to someone.  Shouldn't they have been encouraging him and looking for the good?  What they knew (and I didn't at the time) was that his heart needed changing.

I abhor sarcasm.  What people are saying, "....., just kidding," is not kidding at all.  They are speaking what is in their hearts.  Sarcasm stings and wounds.  What originates in our secret place won't always remain a secret.  Ever found that what we accuse other's of is what we are guilty of ourselves?  Think about that for awhile...  What's grinding around inside is eventually going to spew out to the outside, simple as that.

When, I first met Michael, he told me, "Don't listen to my words, watch what I do."  I have found this to be oh so true not only of him but of myself and others as well.  I forgive you, but...  I love you, but...  I'll help you, but...  For me, the best way in life is to just do it and move forward without all the add ons. 

Let's face it, life isn't always kind.  We can't control how people treat us.  We can't stop words of hurt.  We can minimize the effects on our hearts.  Easier said than done.  I have to follow a process every day ... I examine my heart and really think about what's in there.  I don't excuse bad behavior in others or myself.  I name it, and address it.  I keep my own slate clean thinking about why my heart has gathered crud.  Most of the time, I realize that I am jealous; didn't get what I wanted; am selfish; or, just plain out of sorts and nasty and feeling pretty guilty about my behavior.  I own my own stuff ... the good, the bad, the ugly.  That's being real.

What's in your heart?  I think Christmas is a good time to do a heart checkup.  It's a stressful time of the year when domestic violence incidents sky rocket, people go deep in debt to purchase gifts they can't afford, and patience runs skin deep.  It can also be a time of feeling the joyous Christmas spirit ... a time of loving, caring, and giving.  Several nights ago, Jane, Madison, Teddy (yep, Corgi Ted) and I sat out in rocking chairs at the Wiregrass outdoor mall watching the tree/light/music show.  We rocked back and forth, singing in unison to the music.  I looked up into the sky and thought, "Wow, it doesn't get much better than this!"  I didn't think about anything except what was on the banquet table before me.  Time ceased to exist except for the splendor of the symphony of lights and sounds.

It's count down time to Christmas.  My heart is filled with the love and joy of having a wonderful family ... each so very special in their own ways.  My heart is filled with the love and joy of knowing my personal savior who keeps me on the right track.  I raise my cup that overflows today to Him!!  Merry Christmas!!

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

Note to self and others:  "The only blind person at Christmastime is he who has not Christmas in his heart."~~Helen Keller

        

December 2, 2011

Good Evening, Readers!  Here's looking at you through the frosted window of Winter!!

I turned sixty-five today.  Somehow, I didn't feel much different that I did yesterday.  When I woke up, I jumped out of bed singing Happy Birtday to myself.  The girls had gone to school, Jane to work and Tim was walking Teddy.  I grabbed my usual Starbucks over ice and stepped outside into the sunshine...  Ah yes, I just knew it was going to be a great day!!

I guess turning sixty-five should be rather traumatic but, no, it hasn't been.  I'd rather think of it as reaching a milestone and being a better person physically, mentally, and spiritually than I was last year at this time.  There are so many new things to see, do, and accomplish.  I can't imagine settling for a rocking chair and just watching the boob tube!

My son-in-law, Tim, brought me some flowers today.  As he walked in the back door, the birthday balloon he was carrying got caught in the door and made one heck of a noise.  Sixty-five was coming in with a loud bang!!  Nothing like a good belly laugh to get my day off to a rip roaring start!!

Mom S called this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday.  Her eighty-five year old voice sounded strong and chipper.  "When are you coming home?  Better make it soon."  She cracks me up.  She gave me a birthday party last year in her room at the nursing home ... we had junior bacon cheeseburgers and frosties!  She asked me if I remembered ... I did...

My friend, Beverly, called and told me that her husband, Don, had mowed the yard at the little casa as a birthday gift.  Yea!!  I just love a manicured lawn!!  Michael phoned to say he had sent my card and to wish me a great day.  He and the dogren are missing me.  I loved reading my Facebook birthday wishes ... what sweet messages.

Jane phoned on her break this morning.  She wanted me to open my birthday present.  I called Tim in to join me and opened the box carefully ... I just love beautifully wrapped packages!  IT WAS A CAMERA ... A NEW CAMERA!!  I started to cry ... not tears of sadness but tears of gratitude and joy.  Never in a million years did I expect such a wonderful gift!

I decided that today I would do some things that I enjoyed and hadn't done in awhile ... I made white sugar cookies and chocolate truffles.  Yum!  I think I spied Tim raiding the refrigerator a few times this afternoon!  Jane is having a jewelry party Sunday night so hopefully there will be enough left for that ... if not, I'll need to warm up the oven again!

Today, I finished reading Andy Stanley's book ENEMIES OF THE HEART.  Every month, I like to read a book that fuels my continuing journey of emotional wellness and this truly fit the bill.  Andy explored each of the destructive forces of guilt, anger, greed, and jealousy and how they infiltrate one's life.  At first, I wondered why I had bought the book thinking that I was in control of these emotions.  But, wrong...  buying the book was no coincidence.  As usual, I saw myself in the chapters and vowed to make some changes in my doing and thinking.  So often we look just at the outward actions of a person not at their heart.  Personally, I think character and the true heart of a person is pretty darn important.  I also learned why my blog has been so helpful to move me forward from a past of pain and heartache.  Maybe the Lord was just confirming what I have been thinking.

Usually, if I take more than thirty minutes to get ready to go somewhere, it's about twenty minutes too long.  Today, I decided to take my time showering, doing my  hair, makeup and dressing.  Actually, it was kind of fun.  When I was in Perham, MN last summer, I bought a dress that was rather different.  I figured tonight would be a great opportunity to wear it.  I looked into the mirror and wondered if I wasn't a little on the goth side with my dark purple nails and black "rag" dress but I figured what the heck, I liked the polish and the dress and I figured I would wear both and have fun.  Somehow, I can't ever see me dressing like an old lady ... I like to have fun with my clothes!!

Tonight, Tim, Jane, Katrina, and I went to Benedetto's for dinner.  We went there last time I was here and it became my favorite.  Bob plays oldies on the piano, Bill does magic tricks at the tables for the patrons, and Chef Ben greets each and every diner checking to make sure his dishes are well received.  Of course, the waiters all sang Happy Birthday as I blew out the candle on my carrot cake and I got a chef's hat to wear the rest of the evening.  I left feeling very mellow and "stuffed."

So now that I've rattled on about this and that, what does sixty-five really mean to me?   It's a life passage pure and simple.  There are those who retire with nice pensions, generous social security and intentions of leading the life of Riley.  Since I have no pension, meager Social Security benefits and hate being inactive, my reaching sixty-five has meant keeping on doing what I've been doing for the past years ... doing what I can to survive and enjoy life.

I feel fortunate to be where I am.  My father died at fifty-five before he had a chance to sit back and smell those proverbial roses.  I've thought about him a lot lately.  He had dreams for his golden years ... he worked and worked never realizing that he needed to stop and enjoy each day.  All too soon, life was taken from him and I'm sure he laid in his hospital bed wishing he'd have taken the time to seize life as it unfolded.  I don't know about you, but I've lived many of life's lessons.  What was so important years ago, or even a year ago, isn't as meaningful today.  I don't fear dying; however, I do fear not living life to the fullest.  Today, was one of those "fill 'er up" days!!

"Welcome to Medicare," one of my friends said today.  Yes, now there's Medicare in my life.  But offsetting that is the increased expense of drugs and my lack of earning power to cover costs.  Why does our society believe that, with the blowing out of sixty-five candles, we're suddenly worth only eight bucks an hour as employees or not worth hiring period.  Hogwash!!

I am enjoying the perks of grey hair ... senior discounts at the movies, restaurants ... that kind of thing.  Sixty-five has crept up without warning.  It was quite a jolt to realize my daughters were in their forties and my baby son was in his late thirties.  Naugh....just couldn't be!! 'Fraid so... 

The truth is, most of us are beginning to look like we might be (gulp) Seniors!  That's the tough part.  Personally, I choose to avoid full length mirrors in the bathroom ... The few times I've caught a glimpse of this woman looking back at me, I've thought ... "Holy cow ... no more bathing suits for you!" In my mind, I look great, have solid muscle tone and maintain a flat belly.  At least that's what I see in my mind's eye.  Why that sixty-year-old woman in the mirror let herself go so, I have no idea but she ought to be ashamed!  That just couldn't be moi!

On that note, I will sign off ... Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

Happy Birthday to me..

Happy Birthday to me...

Happy Birthday d-e-a-r meeee....

Happy Birthday to me!

(A note to self & others:  You are your own best friend ... why want to be someone else when who you are is just fine!!)