A TX Winter Wednesday

Hamilton Elf & I enjoying the Winter Garden

Hamilton Elf and I wish you a Merry Christmas countdown day! 

Would you believe that it is supposed to hit 80 degrees here today?  After our walk to assess the garden, I decided that a trip to Lowe's would be in order to replace some of the last Summer flowers that have suffered from the frost.  To breathe in the fresh air is so invigorating and gives me new life.  It will be cold again in the next day or so ... that's Texas weather for you!

December 15, 2010:  I am ankle deep in my Give Me 40 days that began with a 24 hour fast.  Several people have asked me why I do the fast...  Stormie Omartian says it best ... "The purpose of my fast is to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free" and to "break every yoke."  When I get hungry, I pray and feast on the word of God.

So far, my challenge is that as I begin to pray for others, I cry out in pain for my own hurts.  It is difficult to lay my own baggage at the feet of my Lord.  I want what I want first.  I am aware and as I confess my own selfishness, I am able to move on without guilt.  That's progress and I am definitely a work in progress.

One of my favorite books of the Bible is James and today I read James 1-5 - in fact, I read it through twice because there was so much meat in it.  Some blogs ago, I wrote that I had attended a church and the people were jumping up and down while they were singing ... "faith, faith, faith can move a mountain".  Well, the book of James is about faith.  Faith is daring to do something regardless of the consequence ... doing that right thing ... that thing that God asks of me to do.  Have you ever known what is right to do and then, being afraid of the ramifications, kept quiet?  Goodness gracious ... I was the "Queen of Peacekeeping" ... the "Princess of Sweeping Hurt Under the Rug"...  Now, my struggle is whether I am speaking out of my own hurt or on behalf of the Lord of my life.

"Remember, too, that knowing what is right to do and then not doing it is sin."~~James 4:17



Christmas of Old

Christmas and the Tears of the Hurt:  As I was meditating this morning, I remembered something that I had put in the closet of my mind.  It was Christmas Eve and I was very small.  I walked up the stairs to find my mother and father and could hear my father crying.  I stopped almost to the top of the stairs so that I could hear but they couldn't see me.  My father was not only crying, he was sobbing ... my  mother was standing beside him as he sat on the edge of the bed with her hands on his shoulder.  "Why didn't they invite us?"  "Christmas is about family."  I heard my mother respond with ... "I talked with Alida and she said they didn't invite us because we have been spending Christmas Eve with my family."  My father responded with, "I know, but it hurts not to be included and invited."  I sadly turned and walked downstairs.  It was the only time I ever heard my father cry.    Knowing my father's family, I am sure that they didn't mean to hurt my father but it happened ... not only did it happen but it brought a grown man to sobs of sorrow.  His family meant so much to him and he was always there for them ... an oversight?  I wonder what the rest of the story was...

Christmas ... A time of joyous celebration at the birth of our Savior.  A time to gather with family and friends to share love and celebrate that camaraderie.  It is also a time when suicides, domestic violence, and lapses in addictions occur.  Why is that?  Personally, for so many years, I numbed myself to the pain of life and allowed my person to function without true feeling.  I was always the happy one. I lived as I lived as a child ... survival...  Today, on Facebook, one of my friends related a story about her rescued Cairn Terrier.  The little dog so sweet and soft, has had trouble trusting them enough to hold her.  She will wag her tail but keeps her distance.  Abuse whether its to an animal or a person is like that.  I am like that ... I will smile and come close hoping that the rejection suffered as a child and adult won't happen again.  I am better and I am more aware of my own frailties.  When my fellowman knows of my history and is deliberately cruel, I realize that it has nothing to do with me.

So...how do I handle Christmas?  I love decorating my home from front door to back with everything I love about Christmas!!  I attend church and sing carols of old.  I select a family that needs holiday cheer and give them some of mine.  (this year I selected my daughter and her family and gave them a Christmas Evening before Christmas)  I think about my legacy and what I want my children and grandchildren to remember about me.  I am an adult and I can be as kind to myself as I am to others.  I am fortunate that Michael shares my path to wellness and love of family ... believe me, it wasn't without some tough work on his part as well as mine!!  I can choose what my focus is on... Can I change someone else?  No, the Holy Spirit has that job.  Can I accept the fact that life can be quite hurtful?  Yes...  Are things in my life the way I wish they were?  No ... I am realizing that I don't have to give up me ... I did that for way too many years!  My Christmas's of the past have given way to a new Christmas ... a Christmas filled with love, laughter and friendship.  Something happened yesterday evening that I wish I could share totally with you, my readers.  It was a phone call that took me by surprise ... I was in awe at the love being shared across the lines ... a phone call that exhibited all of the true meaning of Christmas.  It was at that moment that I knew that God had heard my prayers!  I am grateful!!

Some years ago, my daughter sent me the doll in the photo.  I wish you could see more of the doll's detail.  I never put her away because she is a reminder of the relationship that I have with my child.  We both love everything about her ... the leopard fur-collared jacket ... the crazy hat with a pheasant feather ... the boots ... and most of all we love her jewelry ... a necklace that says, "you can do it" and another that says, "go girl."  She sits on my dresser beside my bed so I see her when I wake up and when I go to bed.  It is that message I leave with you today... YOU CAN DO IT and GO GIRL (or guy as you wish).
 
Tis the season to be jolly ... fa la la la la la la la la!  My days go by way too quickly ... my body needs the extra rest; however, I would rather be out and about spreading some ho ho ho's!!  Speaking of ho ho ho's, it's time for me to hit the nursery and get my pansies planted before the sun goes down.  It's been a great day!



Have a wonderful day whether you are shoveling snow or enjoying the gift of a warm Winter's day in Texas!  Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

    

December Monday in Texas

Hamilton Elf & I wish you a festive and blessed Monday!  We're reporting a chilling but sunny day here in North Texas ... just warm enough for a jaunt around the garden and a cup of warm cocoa while we chat awhile.  Won't you join us? 



We Wish You a Merry Christmas  ... we wish you a Merry Christmas ... we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  Good tidings we bring ... well, you get my gist ...  Last night our Anchor Sunday School class decided to do some caroling and visit a couple of families needing that bit of Christmas cheer that can only come from the Lord speaking through His people.  We gathered at the church then caravaned to our first destination ... the home of Linda and Ron.  Linda was asleep when we first got there but Ron turned on the light and we sang merrily in the crisp cold air.  We woke Linda ... with our lovely harmonizing voices or our screeching tries ... it doesn't matter.  We had brought joy and comfort as well as food to this well deserving couple who have given so much during their lives.  We had the opportunity to gather around Linda, placing hands on each other as well as her to offer up "popcorn" prayers of  healing and peace.  On Donner, on Blitzen, on Comet, on Anchor class to the home of Dorothy and Myrle...  We welcomed the invitation to come in and spent some time visiting and again, singing and praying for this sweet couple.  Ah yes...it is so wonderful to be used by our Lord to bring His spirit to others this Christmas season!  The lovely dog in the photo is Bella, a rescue ... she added just that touch of specialness to our visits!

December 13, 2010:  My book, GIVE ME 40 DAYS arrived!  Hamilton Elf and I bundled up and headed for the back porch this afternoon to soak up some sun and begin reading.  I am doing a 24 hour juice fast to prepare myself to prepare myself to be open and teachable.  Being a Type A person, I always have my own ideas of how things should be but I am finding that life goes on whole lot smoother asking God what His will is and how I should be.  I have done this study twice before and at the end of those 40 days, my life was changed, not by what I did, but by what God did in me. 

I have always had a mindset of faith.  I don't know why, but I've always been God's child and that has never wavered.  Faith?  What is faith?  For me, it is a complete trust in God knowing He can do what I cannot.  I went through a long time of fear of people...when hurt comes from those you love it is like the knife slicing directly through the heart.  It is always a surprise and comes when you least expect it.  I've had to walk away many a time from an altercation quoting scripture in my mind and heart.  And, by the way, it is true..."Vengeance is mine" says the Lord.  It is odd, though, I used to think that I would be happy seeing God's vengeance but I wasn't ... it made me sad knowing that it didn't need to be that way.

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."  ~~ Matthew 6:33

Does God come first in your life?  Really first?  I hear that a lot but wonder...  If I am completely truthful, God doesn't always come first in my life and, with that said, I can also offer a ton of excuses as to why He doesn't.  To be truthful, I didn't read the Bible because if I read the Bible, I would need to examine my choices I was making.  When I came to a complete encounter with the Lord God, all the excuses were stripped away leaving me naked, bleeding and ashamed.  Did He shoo me away?  No, He dried my tears and moved me to repentance ... true sorrow in my heart.  What man would send his son to die for me on a cross?  Have I had to live with the consequences of my choices?  Absolutely!!  However, I have come to know that God has used my life to give comfort and hope to those just like me.  Our sin may be against our fellowman; however, all sin is ultimately against God.

God has a direction of divine order and the number 40 applies to all earthly things and flesh.  Check it out!!  Today, I am getting into position for my 40 Days...

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."~~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Hamilton Elf has been a blessing to me this Christmas.  I was telling him today about the various seasons in my life and how my life changes sometimes at a moment's notice.  Looking back, I also can also see that the constant that never changed was my love for the Lord.  Moves occur,   children grow up and lead lives of their own, there is love and love lost, finances move up and down ...  I don't know about you, but I had to have somewhere to put my feet and know that I wasn't going to fall on my face.  He has been my rock and my anchor.

Speaking of anchors, my favorite song is THE ANCHOR HOLDS sung by Ray Bolz and oddly enough the Sunday School class I belong to is the Anchor Class.  Coincidence?  :o)  Never thought about it much but a also have an old iron anchor....sometimes, I find that I have a lot of coincidences in my life!!

  

I hear that my friends in Minnesota are getting hit by a blast of snow and cold.  I love the snow and cold and, if allowed, can even romance the idea of the whole Winter concept.  Then, reality hits and I think that I am right where I need to be.  

Time is a ticking away in my countdown to Christmas!  I just love this silly old clock I found at Tuesday Morning.  It plays Christmas carols on the hour ... every hour.  I felt asleep on the couch the other night and it kept waking me up to holiday songs.  At first I wondered why Michael didn't turn off the stereo then I realized it was the old clock and I closed my eyes and rested soundly!!

Have a wonderful day ... God bless ... And, remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

       

 



Christmas Saturday in TX

Merry Christmas Countdown ... Hamilton Elf and I wish you all joy and happiness this day!   And, I might add that we wish you patience as well.  The malls are crowded ... the parking lots jammed and I'm not sure why but the Scrooges are out in force!  Whatever happened to the merriment of Christmas?  Is it because our expectations are set so high that we can't possibly live up to them?  Are we afraid that we will disappoint someone if we have to "cut back"?  I wonder if it's because Christmas has become so commercialized ... a way of judging our economic status.  Hmmmm...

When I was on the Speaker's Forum for the Women's Shelter, one time that stuck out as being especially violent was Christmas.  The stories the women would tell would give me shudders of sorrow.  When I was in Alanon and taught the steps, one time that stuck out as being especially hurtful was Christmas.  Why is that?  Too much stress?  Too much selfishness?

I've learned a lot from Hamilton Elf in the short time, he's been on assignment at my home.  He follows me from room to room and we talk a lot.  He likes philosophy and so do I.  There are so many different things that we share.  I talk, he listens ... when I hear myself talk, I start to cry or laugh or experience a myriad of feelings.  It is all good...I truly feel!

This year is coming to a close and, I don't know about you, but it has been a good one for me even though there have been challenges galore!  It's been a time of  speaking out and speaking up for myself and for abused children and adults everywhere.  I worry less and less about hurting the offender and caring more and more about the offended.  I speak truth in love and give grace where warranted.  I am at peace...

Today, I came across this poem and felt that it was important that I share it with you:

Family Secrets by Raymond A. Foss

Little and big secrets
silence, unsharing
from shame, for protection
blank spots
in the telling
of our story

Carved off areas
sometimes casually shared
As if we knew, forgetting the secret
the missing words
names crossed from address books
pain pushed down

Missing memories
scraps of childhood
undiscussed.

The poem ends abruptly like many of the unspoken stories of our lives.  In the past few years, there have been so many new programs on TV having to do with secrets and the solving of crimes.   It must be on many viewers minds or they wouldn't be watching week after week.  For some time, I couldn't watch these shows but after I was well on my road to recovery, I wanted to watch them mainly to understand the "whys" that made people do such terrible things ... one of my favorites is Criminal Minds.  I am always wondering why a person born of innocence converts to a life of crime, murder, lack of empathy, etc.  Last night. I watched a program where a man lost his mother at age 7 ... from there, his life became a living hell as his father, a religious fanatic, beat him and berated him.  His personality split and when his father died,  he became a murderer when the personality of his father surfaced.  The pull of good and evil ... so apropos for today's world.  Yes, there was the horror of what he was doing but who was really to blame?  Where does the violence and addiction come from that holds so many of us in bondage?  The sins of the fathers go from generation to generation.

I FINALLY received my book, Give Me 40 Days - An Invitation for an Encounter with God by Freeda Bowers.  I will be starting my book on Monday and I am very excited.  I will be doing a 24 hour fast before I begin to clear my head and open my heart!  I will be in prayer for others while God is meeting my needs...

The North Wind doth blow!  It is really cold here today.  The wind is whipping around the folks brave enough to be out walking their dogs in our neighborhood.  I hear that the north land is getting snow ... lots of it!  I will settle for a short Winter with maybe a snowfall or two.  Toby is thinking a good romp at the dog park would be a treat ... he is such a social butterfly who loves meeting and greeting!  Funny, how we, as dog lovers like to congregate to talk about our pets, the challenges of being a good master and how much love we receive in return whether it's Christmas or any other season!

I guess my blog is kind of somber today but on the other hand, it is my hope and prayer that someone reading it would realize that there are programs available and counselors standing by to help.  You don't have to suffer in silence and suicide should not be an option.  Children's minds are so pliable by what they hear and see as well as how they are treated.  Balance is the key!!  Mothers and fathers protect your children allowing them to grow and be all that God created them to me.

My family is telling me that it's time to head out to enjoy this December Day!  I wonder if Hamilton Elf would like a ride?  I so enjoy his company this Christmas!  Maybe it's the child in me looking at the upcoming Christmas holiday with hope and wonder!

Texas Christmas Blessings from
 Hamilton Elf and me!

You are loved ... YA YOU!
Yee Haw!!!!!!

Yes, Jane, there is a Santa Claus...the story of Hamilton Elf!

Dottie & Hamilton, Santa's Elf

Good Morning from me and Hamilton Elf!  We're reporting that it's a bit on the nippy side this morning in North Texas but toasty warm inside.  Don't know about you, but a good fire warms the heart and the soul.  I have miles to go before I sleep tonight and Hamilton Elf is helping me!  Did you know that we might have another white Christmas this year?

Meeting Hamilton Elf!

Yes, Jane, there is a Santa Claus!  The night after Thanksgiving, Michael and I had the opportunity to go to Dickens Christmas on the Square.  During our tour of all the little shops, we met Hamilton Elf.  We were so mesmerized with him that Michael and I had our photos taken to remember him by.  There was just something about him ... his eyes sparkled like he knew something we didn't know.  We kept coming back to take another look.  We couldn't resist this nearly full sized elf.  We decided that Santa needed him this time of year so after taking one last good-bye, we went on to the next shop.

We talked a lot about Hamilton Elf and how unique he was.  His coat was made of wonderful damask cloth in olive green...his hat made of green and black velvet and his tights were a bright Christmasy stripe.  He was hard to forget.  He was a one of a kind elf with a hefty heritage ... no more elves would ever be put together like Hamilton Elf.

Yesterday, I was talking with my daughter, Jane, and she said to look under the tree and see if there was a big bag from her family for me.  I crawled under the two trees and came up empty handed.  Not only was there no bag, there were no gifts under the tree at all!  She sounded disappointed but said to ask Michael about it.

Last night I had a restless night.  Pain was moving through my body waking me every couple hours.  When I finally was able to move off my bed, I sought Michael out calling his name ... "Michael, where are you?"  He answered with a cheerful, "In the office."  I shuffled in there and laid down on the couch next to his desk.  We exchanged some small talk and then, I asked him about the package that Jane sent.  He smiled and made a trip to his car...

He came back with a large Christmas Bag, carrying it from the bottom...it looked very heavy.  I sat up and started pulling out the Christmas tissue of red and green ... oh, my goodness, it was Hamilton Elf!!  How did Jane know about our bonding with him?

The day after our trip to Dickens on the Square, I posted the photos of our adventure.  Jane looked at the photos and some of the storefronts and called the store where Hamilton Elf had been working this Christmas.  She asked if Hamilton Elf was still available and when the clerk said, "Yes", she asked if Hamilton Elf could be wrapped and put on hold until Michael could pick him up ... Hamilton Elf had work to do for her mother!



Hamilton Elf comes into my home & heart!



Hamilton Elf was so happy to come out of that bag! He'd sat patiently in there for many days with his legs all scrunched up waiting for his next assignment.  I gave a squeal as Hamilton Elf emerged and ran all over wondering where he should oversee Christmas.  My greatest fear was that Sadie and Toby would think that he toys he held were for them so he needed to be in a place where he felt safe and could do his work without scanning the room for some lurking dogs ready to steal his toys.

How in the world did Santa know that I needed Hamilton Elf this Christmas?  He had a wonderful helper and mighty determined detective by the name of Jane who found the exact Hamilton Elf that had come into my life that Dickens on the Square night in 2010.  If you wondering ... yes, my children and I have quite a heartful connection and sometimes, we "just know..." and we truly care about each other.  God has blessed me wayyyyyyyyyy beyond blessings with my children and grandchildren.  We've come together accepting one another in feast and famine, trial and error, as the imperfect people we are.  Love has no bounds in the relationship we share yet we all are free to make mistakes, grow and share the journey!

So, yes, Jane, there is a Santa Claus and he uses people just like you to make the lives of others just a little bit brighter ... in my case, a whole lot brighter!!

You know, this story reminds me of our relationship with God ... He answers prayer and sends his ambassadors like you and me to help those on earth.  So, be on guard ... He may be putting some people in front of you this Christmas that need your warmth and tenderness.  Open your heart to those who need that hug, that encouragement, that bit of Heaven here on earth!

Christmas Countdown continues ... Michael, Hamilton Elf, and I wish you the best day ever this December 9, 2010!
Remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!

A Creed To Live By



The Texas Garden in Winter



Good Afternoon readers!  I pray that life is treating you well and that the stresses of the Christmas Season aren't burying you so deep that you aren't enjoying the REAL REASON FOR THE SEASON!!  It was so beautiful here today.  I tossed a couple logs of pinion wood in the chiminea and created my own little world where I could read, meditate and pray.  Sometimes, you have to do that for yourself!  I had spent an hour on the phone today with my health advocate and needed some time to think about our discussion.

I am thoroughly enjoying getting back into my Daily Walk Bible reading.  Today, I read the book of Philemon ... a very short book related to asking for and accepting forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a choice made by one ... reconciliation takes all involved parties.  There are way too many families that fight like the Hatfield's and the McCoy's, holding grudges and using passive aggressiveness to get back at one another.  What does that solve?  In the book of Philemon, Paul nowhere minimizes the wrong suffered ... forgiveness is not blind to facts ... it is an act of the will to move on.  Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.  Reconciliation is restoration and it takes a lot of grace and love...  So many people are lonely at Christmas ... so many people are so low that they think about "ending it all" ... so many people who just need a hug and to know somebody out there cares....  I care, do you care?

What does God say about judgement and unforgiveness?

"Hypocrite!  First get rid of the log in your own eye; then, you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye."~Matthew 7:5 (NLT)

Barnes Notes on the Bible

"Thou hypocrite, first cast out ... - Christ directs us to the proper way of forming an opinion of others, and of reproving and correcting them. By first amending our own faults, or casting the beam out of our eye, we can "consistently" advance to correct the faults of others. There will then be no hypocrisy in our conduct. We shall also "see clearly" to do it. The beam, the thing that obscured our sight, will be removed, and we shall more clearly discern the "small" object that obscures the sight of our brother. The sentiment is, that the readiest way to judge of the imperfections of others is to be free from greater ones ourselves. This qualifies us for judging, makes us candid and consistent, and enables us to see things as they are, and to make proper allowances for frailty and imperfection."

One thing the internet has provided me with is a highway to all kinds of information.  As I began to reconstruct my own life years ago, I started with scrutinizing my own life ... oh goodness, that was tough.  It was much easier to point fingers at others and avoid looking within.  There was a war going on inside of me ... a war between good and evil ... truth and lies.  I had to find truth before I could find me.  Subconsciously, I believed the lie of Satan because I was not clear on what God's truth was and is.  I had been rejected; therefore, I became hurt, anxious, and fearful; then lonely and isolated, and finally angry.  Looking back, that was my pattern for a long time.

When I began to read God's truth in His Word (Bible), the lies in my life were exposed.  Some people have tried to get me to question the Bible and have brought contradictions before me about the reliability of God's Word.  What do I believe?  "There is a way that seems right to a man; but its end is the way of death."~~Proverbs 14:12

To walk on the path of wellness, I had to take control of my mind.  I prayed over and over again for truth and that the power of lies in my life would be broken.  One of the things that a little old lady said in Alanon was that finding fault in others was a ploy to feel better about oneself.  The focus needed to "be the self".  I thought, "Well, if I am told I am so awful, what good will it do to focus on that?"  I missed the point.  I needed to take my eyes off my tormentor and fixate it on the Lord and getting well myself.  Took me a long time to get that ... really get it!  In order for my circumstances to change, I had to change.  Oh goodness....

I came across this poem called A Creed To Live By and thought I would share it with you.  It helped me so much once I cleaned house in my own mind, my perceptions, and grew towards wholeness:

A Creed To Live By

Don't undermine your worth by comparing

yourself with others.

It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Don't set your goals by what other people

deem important.

Only you know what is best for you.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart.

Cling to them as you would your life, for without them

life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers

by living in the past or for the future.

By living your life one day at a time,

you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give.

Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.

It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks.

It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.

The quickest way to receive love is to give love.

The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;

and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don't dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams is to be without hope;

to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don't run through life so fast that you forget

not only where you've been, but also where you're going.

Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored

each step of the way.

~ Nancye Sims ~



Countdown to Christmas continues ... There is joy & hope all around us ... it is in giving that we receive ... enjoy!!
You are loved &  prayed for...YA YOU!!

 



Christmas thoughts in 2010...

This evening, I was thinking about Christmas, our economy, what we expect from ourselves and others, and how to provide not only for ourselves but also for those who aren't able to right now.  Every time I see someone ringing a bell for the Salvation Army, Toys for Tots, or other charitable organizations, I dig into my coin purse and give what I have.  I pray hoping that God will use my loose change to His best advantage.  Our Sunday School Class at Church is adopting a family ... the children want clothes and coats.  Maybe there should also be a toy or two?

God expects us to be diligent and work hard.  I've heard it said so many times that our young people want to get paid but they don't want to work hard and only when they feel like it. Too many children have been given so much that they think, "Why work hard when I can get what I want for free?"  This is called entitlement.  People who feel entitled live difficult lives now.  The United States of America is suffering from it's greed and it's Christmas!  So what do we do??

In 2008, I was working for an insurance company. In the blink of an eye, the division was sold and almost all of the employees were laid off.  It was a shock because all of us had been working so hard to get our division on track and making a profit.  We knew it was going to be tough sledding but we all dug in to do the best we could.  To become "just a number" in our country's lay offs was hard.  Most of us in the company felt that we wanted to work there until retirement.  Sometimes life throws a curve ball and we don't see it coming.  In one day I went from employed to unemployed to working with career advisers to fine tuning my resume'.  I wandered from place to place as I was directed similar to a robot.  I learned that day that work was something not to be taken lightly.  There are many in our country who can relate and with Christmas coming up, there are many a dad and mom who are wondering if they will be able to provide food for their families much less gifts.  Families that had never worried about putting presents on credit cards now face guilt because there's no more credit available.

I don't know whether it's good to be poor or to be rich then have everything taken away.  When I go to the little casa, I am surrounded by people who are struggling.  Many of the wealthy people who lived there have moved on and don't need their services.  The lady across the street from me, brought me a small jar of strawberry jam and to wish us a Merry Christmas.  She too had had water problems in her older home only it was the pipe below the floor.  She looked sad but then, all of a sudden, there was that touch of coming together in the face of adversity.  We both were trying to salvage our homes from the ravages of water.  We, as a people, have come together from the beginning of time and, most likely we will now too.

There has been so much in the news about landslides, flooding, tornadoes, etc.  We got a small taste of it when our little casa suffered from a split cap on a pipe.  It gave us a small taste of what other countries as well as our own are going through with natural disasters.  We must have 2 bathrooms, a bedroom for each child, the latest in technology..  Must??  I wonder...

I collected unemployment for some months before I was offered a similar position with another insurance company.  I felt blessed because I was able to regroup and find something.  There were times though when I felt guilty, was I working hard enough to find work?  Were my guidelines too strict?  Was my "I won't" list longer than my "I will" list?  Was I asking for God's will for my life or was I plodding through the waters on my own?  The biggest thing I had to overcome was my age ... sad but true.  Our society has become quite focused on what we look like and not so much on what we can do.  Women and men are scrambling to plastic surgeons and filling their faces with fillers and botox trying to get to the front of the line when there are hundreds of resumes for one position.  Those in high paying position often times live in fear because "they might be next..."

Last March, I left my position because of health reasons and that has been a huge adjustment for me.  I would prefer working and paying my own way in this world.  My doctor won't let me go back to work; however, I was turned down for Social Security Disability.  Interesting...  I am now waiting on the Long Term Disability Benefits decision from my former employer.  It's been a long time, since I put a check in the bank and sometimes that scares me.  I've always been a worker bee ... I was a stay at home mom for a good many years; however, when money got tight, I sold Avon, babysat and a couple times held down part time jobs so we could get on our feet.  I was born over-responsible!!  It's been a hard adjustment fraught with the willingness of my mind to work and the pain telling me that I am not able.

In my lifetime I have seen change similar to the change my grandparents saw.  My grandparents' farm home didn't have an indoor bathroom until I was into grade school.  I was there when they lined up to take a private bath!!  Technology is moving at warp speed.  Our grandchildren are using computers before they go to school in kindergarten.  I've seen Christmas change too ... A LOT!!  And, I might add ... not for the better.

During World War II, there were rations and people were forced to focus on "needs" not wants.  Needs were simple... My grandmother said that the best Christmas gift she ever got was when my father came home from the war.  My mother said the same thing when my brother came home from Viet Nam.  Many of our people now are hoping the same thing ... that their children will come home from the different places in the world where wars are still being fought.  Somehow the latest gadget seems silly in comparison.  The focus was more on relationships when I was growing up ... now, it's more on the material things.  I am as guilty of this as anyone ... I am a giver and a helper.  I have had to rethink my views about Christmas.  As a grownup, I can't remember too many of the gifts I've gotten over the years for Christmas.  What I do remember are the family get-togethers and the joy and laughter.  I felt like I belonged to something bigger than just myself.

Christmas 1946 ... I still love that movie, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.  Watch it this Christmas season if you can.  It's a story about a man who always puts others first in his life.  The plot thickens when he thinks that he's let everyone down and contemplates suicide.  I always get chills at the ending!  Maybe, just maybe it can touch your heart like it's touched mine.

I am learning to depend on the good Lord for my protection and provision and so far, He's met my needs.  I was asking myself today ... "Where is your treasure?"  I thought about that a lot because it says in Matthew 6:21 "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  I want my heart to be in the right place. 

Yes, the world's economy is unstable.  My friend, Brooks, told me that "there are no guarantees except God's economy."  I believe that more than ever this Christmas.  If you are struggling this Christmas season, lean on the Lord and give Him your troubles.  Do what you can and leave the rest to Him.  Gather your entire family close and let each other know how important each of you are to each other.  A small gift given with love is more precious than much with a Scrooge-like heart. 



Two Cuddled Together Keep Warm!

My youngest grandchild, Nicholas, is five today.  He is a happy little boy with big brown eyes and curly hair ... he is alive with life and plays with gusto.  The world is his playground and his imagination takes him wherever he wants to go.  Because Nicholas is the youngest of my grandchildren, it is bitter-sweet to see him growing up so quickly.  Happy Birthday, Saint Nicholas ... now why would his father nickname him "Animal"?  Could it be that he is a rather rambunctious boy??  He has his Christmas Program at preschool tonight.  I'll just bet he shines!! 

Christmas Blessings Everyone ... You are Loved...YA YOU!!



      

December Countdown...

Countdown to Christmas continues...

Last year we got a wonderful snow storm on Christmas Eve.  It truly felt like an old fashioned Christmas!  I'm not sure what the perception is of Winter and Texas ... believe me, it can get pretty cold, snowy and icy in North Texas.  Secretly, we all hope for a white Christmas then it's out with the sandals!

I was walking the dogs when I was at the little casa last week and, all of a sudden, I was reminded of Christmas 1979 (maybe because I was looking for interesting sticks, etc.).  We had moved back to Texas from Minnesota and I was so angry.  I didn't understand why we had to move so often.  I had made friends and was happy...our children were happy.  Why? Why?  Why?  I had so many questions.  Why was my husband treating me so badly?  Within a short time, truth began to come at me from all directions and I was numb and in shock.

Heart Break 1979

Looking back, I can tell you when the roof fell in and when my old tapes really started running:  I went home to talk with my mother and she said, "You'd best go back to your husband.  Who is going to want you with three children?  Look how well he provides for you."  (I can tell you where this happened and what we were doing)  Mom was washing clothes and putting them in the dryer ... I was sitting on the basement steps ... my son was upstairs playing.  I got up and slowly walked back up the stairs.  I hugged my little boy and tears started to flow.  Wasn't my husband supposed to be loving and kind?  Wasn't my mother supposed to protect and encourage me?  I felt so alone ... I went back to Texas with a heavy heart and brought the subconscious tapes with me.  I was nothing ... I didn't deserve any better.  Where was God?  My husband said he was a Christian ... how could he so blatantly hurt me??  I was on a roller coaster to nowhere.

We tried counseling.  The pastor and his wife from church took our children for a weekend so we could spend time together.  Things didn't get better, they got worse.  Since everything was my fault ... "I" was going to make my marriage work ... "I" was going to be everything he wanted me to be.  You and I both know that doesn't work.  It takes two people to make a relationship work.  Plus, no one can be someone that they aren't.  I was not "OK" and what was going on around me was not "OK".  The pain of betrayal was ever before me.

My mother was horrified that I filed for divorce - what was she going to tell the family?  I told her that I was trying to forgive and move on.  I said that I was worthy.  The problem was that the tapes in my subconscious were running day and night.  I said the right words but inside my heart was a scrambled mess.

To make an final effort of bringing our family and marriage together, we planned a trip to California for Christmas ... to Disneyland and surrounding areas.  We bought a Christmas tree to put up at home and suggested that our children find things of interest on their way home from school or make ornaments for the tree.  It was a fun project for the kids and I and we were proud of our unique Christmas Tree that was covered with sticks, a bird nest, a popcorn and cranberry strand, and ornaments that my children made in school.  There was the usual Christmas programs at school and church and going to California seemed to brighten our spirits.  There is something about Christmas that makes children so excited...they love to look forward...  The Christmas Season always brings forth that "hope" that things can be OK.  I just kept having hope but hope was becomming more and more like a far away mist. 

Most of the trip to California is a blank for me.  I only have little bits of memories of our time there.  We had brought gifts for the children to open on Christmas morning in the hotel and they seemed happy with their adventure.  My heart had been crushed and I was  trying so hard to keep that stiff upper lip and smile.  We were a family and it was Christmas.  After all, I had made up my mind that "I" was going to make this marriage work.  I was in survival mode just like I was when I was a child.  I pretended well ... I didn't fight with my children's father.  Years later, my children have told me it was difficult to accept that their parents were divorcing because around them, everything was fine.  Life was fine ... I wasn't fine ... I was dying inside.

The memories of this time of my life come and go ... I forgave my husband a long time ago yet there are parts of the last year of our marriage that I have blocked out because the events were too painful.  To go into detail wouldn't make what happened go away.  I moved on, he moved on and our lives that were entwined for a period of time became history.  We are cordial and polite when we are together now and that is good. 

My blocking out pain was and has been a way of life for me up until not too many years ago.  Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to forgive people who have harmed me.  It took me a long time to stay in the moment and hear what is being said and what is happening.  Time ... days, years, events get mixed up and it takes me awhile to sit down and figure out what, when, where.  It took a long time for me to open my mouth and stick up for myself.  When I tried, it wasn't always received well.  I have kept on trying and it gets easier...it's taken a long time to heal.

My Christmas's of the past have brought me a new awareness of the real meaning of Christmas and how I can make someone else's Christmas more special.  I thought about my daughter and her family and how I could make Christmas a memory-making moment for them.  They live so far away and I wondered what I could do to put me in their midst ... I decided to do A Christmas Evening for them.  I usually write letters to each of my family at Christmas ... my son calls them the "tear jerkers".  This year, I decided to orchestrate an evening of togetherness from start to finish.  When they have their evening, I will be with them in spirit!  Can you tell?  I'm such a sentimental old sap!

Today, my body has been in pain.  I don't know how many of you know much about Fibromyalgia but it's not something you get rid of ... ever.  It is difficult to know when I have the flu or when my body is reacting to a tough stressor.  To have a plan has helped me ... to do my plan gets to be a challenge at times.  I try to be more proactive rather than reactive to life around me and what I need to do or not do.  I cherish encouraging times with family and friends and think positively.  The Serenity Prayer helps a lot...."change the things I can..."  I can influence but not change other people.  The Holy Spirit must be invited into one's heart before change occurs; otherwise, change is but for a moment...

I read the book of Titus in the Bible today...it's a short book about faith and truth ... good and evil.  I am thankful for the opportunity to read, learn and grow.  I have a thankful heart ... I fill my mind with God and cultivate the art of joyfulness.  I look around me and I am full of gratefulness ... I am loved, I am safe ... I have the opportunity to share Christmas with family and and friends and to be alive in the Spirit of Christmas!!

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas ... let your hearts be gay ..."

Love that song!  Michael put together a Christmas CD for us.  It has all my favorites and puts me in the Christmas Spirit (along with a Christmas clock I bought that plays Christmas carols on the hour)!  Hope that you are having a wonderful December day and that all your "troubles will be far away"!

You are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!