December Countdown...

Countdown to Christmas continues...

Last year we got a wonderful snow storm on Christmas Eve.  It truly felt like an old fashioned Christmas!  I'm not sure what the perception is of Winter and Texas ... believe me, it can get pretty cold, snowy and icy in North Texas.  Secretly, we all hope for a white Christmas then it's out with the sandals!

I was walking the dogs when I was at the little casa last week and, all of a sudden, I was reminded of Christmas 1979 (maybe because I was looking for interesting sticks, etc.).  We had moved back to Texas from Minnesota and I was so angry.  I didn't understand why we had to move so often.  I had made friends and was happy...our children were happy.  Why? Why?  Why?  I had so many questions.  Why was my husband treating me so badly?  Within a short time, truth began to come at me from all directions and I was numb and in shock.

Heart Break 1979

Looking back, I can tell you when the roof fell in and when my old tapes really started running:  I went home to talk with my mother and she said, "You'd best go back to your husband.  Who is going to want you with three children?  Look how well he provides for you."  (I can tell you where this happened and what we were doing)  Mom was washing clothes and putting them in the dryer ... I was sitting on the basement steps ... my son was upstairs playing.  I got up and slowly walked back up the stairs.  I hugged my little boy and tears started to flow.  Wasn't my husband supposed to be loving and kind?  Wasn't my mother supposed to protect and encourage me?  I felt so alone ... I went back to Texas with a heavy heart and brought the subconscious tapes with me.  I was nothing ... I didn't deserve any better.  Where was God?  My husband said he was a Christian ... how could he so blatantly hurt me??  I was on a roller coaster to nowhere.

We tried counseling.  The pastor and his wife from church took our children for a weekend so we could spend time together.  Things didn't get better, they got worse.  Since everything was my fault ... "I" was going to make my marriage work ... "I" was going to be everything he wanted me to be.  You and I both know that doesn't work.  It takes two people to make a relationship work.  Plus, no one can be someone that they aren't.  I was not "OK" and what was going on around me was not "OK".  The pain of betrayal was ever before me.

My mother was horrified that I filed for divorce - what was she going to tell the family?  I told her that I was trying to forgive and move on.  I said that I was worthy.  The problem was that the tapes in my subconscious were running day and night.  I said the right words but inside my heart was a scrambled mess.

To make an final effort of bringing our family and marriage together, we planned a trip to California for Christmas ... to Disneyland and surrounding areas.  We bought a Christmas tree to put up at home and suggested that our children find things of interest on their way home from school or make ornaments for the tree.  It was a fun project for the kids and I and we were proud of our unique Christmas Tree that was covered with sticks, a bird nest, a popcorn and cranberry strand, and ornaments that my children made in school.  There was the usual Christmas programs at school and church and going to California seemed to brighten our spirits.  There is something about Christmas that makes children so excited...they love to look forward...  The Christmas Season always brings forth that "hope" that things can be OK.  I just kept having hope but hope was becomming more and more like a far away mist. 

Most of the trip to California is a blank for me.  I only have little bits of memories of our time there.  We had brought gifts for the children to open on Christmas morning in the hotel and they seemed happy with their adventure.  My heart had been crushed and I was  trying so hard to keep that stiff upper lip and smile.  We were a family and it was Christmas.  After all, I had made up my mind that "I" was going to make this marriage work.  I was in survival mode just like I was when I was a child.  I pretended well ... I didn't fight with my children's father.  Years later, my children have told me it was difficult to accept that their parents were divorcing because around them, everything was fine.  Life was fine ... I wasn't fine ... I was dying inside.

The memories of this time of my life come and go ... I forgave my husband a long time ago yet there are parts of the last year of our marriage that I have blocked out because the events were too painful.  To go into detail wouldn't make what happened go away.  I moved on, he moved on and our lives that were entwined for a period of time became history.  We are cordial and polite when we are together now and that is good. 

My blocking out pain was and has been a way of life for me up until not too many years ago.  Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to forgive people who have harmed me.  It took me a long time to stay in the moment and hear what is being said and what is happening.  Time ... days, years, events get mixed up and it takes me awhile to sit down and figure out what, when, where.  It took a long time for me to open my mouth and stick up for myself.  When I tried, it wasn't always received well.  I have kept on trying and it gets easier...it's taken a long time to heal.

My Christmas's of the past have brought me a new awareness of the real meaning of Christmas and how I can make someone else's Christmas more special.  I thought about my daughter and her family and how I could make Christmas a memory-making moment for them.  They live so far away and I wondered what I could do to put me in their midst ... I decided to do A Christmas Evening for them.  I usually write letters to each of my family at Christmas ... my son calls them the "tear jerkers".  This year, I decided to orchestrate an evening of togetherness from start to finish.  When they have their evening, I will be with them in spirit!  Can you tell?  I'm such a sentimental old sap!

Today, my body has been in pain.  I don't know how many of you know much about Fibromyalgia but it's not something you get rid of ... ever.  It is difficult to know when I have the flu or when my body is reacting to a tough stressor.  To have a plan has helped me ... to do my plan gets to be a challenge at times.  I try to be more proactive rather than reactive to life around me and what I need to do or not do.  I cherish encouraging times with family and friends and think positively.  The Serenity Prayer helps a lot...."change the things I can..."  I can influence but not change other people.  The Holy Spirit must be invited into one's heart before change occurs; otherwise, change is but for a moment...

I read the book of Titus in the Bible today...it's a short book about faith and truth ... good and evil.  I am thankful for the opportunity to read, learn and grow.  I have a thankful heart ... I fill my mind with God and cultivate the art of joyfulness.  I look around me and I am full of gratefulness ... I am loved, I am safe ... I have the opportunity to share Christmas with family and and friends and to be alive in the Spirit of Christmas!!

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas ... let your hearts be gay ..."

Love that song!  Michael put together a Christmas CD for us.  It has all my favorites and puts me in the Christmas Spirit (along with a Christmas clock I bought that plays Christmas carols on the hour)!  Hope that you are having a wonderful December day and that all your "troubles will be far away"!

You are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!