To Everything There Is A Season







A Season of Joy

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

~~ Ecclesiastes 3:13

Have you ever felt a prompting to call someone, send them a card or a gift, go for a visit?  That's the Holy Spirit speaking to you.  Many times, I have obeyed and found that I was a blessing - on the other hand, I have ignored the prompting and missed out on the joy of being in season with God's perfect timing.  I've found that when God speaks, I need to act immediately.

As I am about to embark on 40 days of prayer, I realize the importance of the covenant I am making with God.  If I am too busy to pray, I am too busy.  I found the last time I did this study, that when I put God first in my day, my day went so much smoother.  The things on my to do list plus going to work, got done with less effort.

Please allow me to share my journal entry from February 10, 2006:

I am now 48 hours into my fast.  So much is happening around me.  I am praying not to go backwards or to move into the future but to stay "in the now" and watch/listen for God's voice.  He is speaking through co-workers and through Freeda Bowers book.  I am moving into position for my 40 days of 40 minutes of prayer which will begin tomorrow afternoon.  I am so grateful for the cover of prayer my friends have so generously afforded me...I could not do this without it.

God is bringing me back into alignment with Him and reminding me of things that I knew and know.  Some of His words bring me comfort; others bring me a message of truth which sometimes is much less comfortable.

My covenant for the next 40 days of prayer will be to seek Him in the morning hours.  That will be a challenge because I already rise at 5:30 am.  However, I hear the voice and am obedient.  Spending time with God in the morning will help redeem my time.  If I am too busy and tired to pray, I am too busy and I need to go to bed earlier.  Prayer is more important.

With the trauma counseling, I've had anger spewing out all over everywhere.  Oh my gosh, I didn't know I had that much anger inside me.  I have become unsettled and my conscience has not been at peace - obviously there has been a breach in my relationship with the Lord.  True peace only comes from God.  I need more light here and I am sure that God will reveal the source of my turmoil and give me direction.

Repentance:  There is a difference between being sorry and being repentant.  If there is no turning around and moving away from what was wrong, there is no genuine repentance.  I know that in the past, I have confessed my sin to God acknowledging that my sin was against Him.  I forgave myself (or so I thought).  I have asked for forgiveness from others I have offended, made amends and asked for reconciliation.  NOW, THIS IS WHERE I HAVE FALLEN SHORT:  I did NOT speak death to the fruit of the crops that I sowed with my sinful ways.  When I sinned, I planted crops of destruction in my life.  Sin becomes a seed that begins producing crops of destruction.  Sin becomes a seed that begins producing crops of iniquity UNLESS death comes to that seed.  Just as I must speak death, I must speak life to the fruits!

I was so shocked today as I read Chapter 3.  Freeda Bowers attacks from Satan came as attacks against her physical body which is the main reason I decided to do the fast and 40 days of prayer.  My doctors have told me time and time again..."get out from under the stress - it's killing you!"  Stress is a manifestation of fear and it is a killer.  I must speak death to the roots of fear in my life and speak life to faith.  Yesterday, I told Michael, "I do not want to talk about the pain in my body or focus on it."  It was the seed planted of not speaking of pain and death but speaking life over my flesh, praying for others and continuing to walk in my purpose.

I've always known my purpose ... to come alongside others - to love them as Christ loves them - and, to give them hope.  I've never stopped doing that so that is another area where I am sure God will reveal clarity to me.

Standing in the Gap:  Intercessor ... thank you Janene, for that time in my life when you fed me book after book about prayer ... for inviting me to join the prayer group at Grace ... for encouraging me to unleash the tongue of the Spirit which first came forth in song ... for helping me to learn that an intercessor does not take on another's burden but to be a warrior praying for the Father's will in others' lives unleashing the Lord to cause circumstances to change.  Thank you Frances and Janene for doing that for me at this time.

Tomorrow, I will break fast and begin another journey ... as I prayed today, I saw a sunrise - oh how beautiful it was ... I am moving toward that light and the power of God and the Holy Spirit.

I read a poem given by the Holy Spirit to Karen Hart.  It really sums up the reason for this journey I am about to embark on:

GIVE ME 40 DAYS

Give me 40 Days-

How more Scriptural could it be,

And will I not answer

Those who are seeking me?

What is the greatest need in your life?

It's not too great for Me.

So, give ME 40 Days

And the answer you will see.

Read My Word, fast and pray

And I will become larger than the need.

When your eyes look to Me,

That's when I'll reveal the answer that's to be.

It's those who seek My face

That will hear My voice

For as their God

I am their choice.

And all they need

Will be given by Me

Because to Me

They have bowed their knee.

JESUS

A Season of Thanksgiving

Let us be grateful!  Let us give thanks for what we have and be satisfied.  As I have mentioned in previous blogs, my family hosted Thanksgiving and it was a glorious celebration filled with warmth, joy and, of course, lots of good food.  I can remember the aroma of that turkey cooking when I woke up on Thanksgiving morning.  Sometimes there would be so many people there that we had to set up tables in the basement.  Each family contributed their specialty and believe me, there were some great cooks in my family!!  As an adult, I am grateful for so very much...I couldn't even start to tell you how fortunate I am!

The Freshness of Spring

A time of planting ... a time of watching little seeds turn into flowers and pop up out of the ground.  A time to inhale the freshness of nature and celebrate the passing of Winter.  Spring always reminds me of Easter.  My mother's sister, Eleanor, always hosted Easter.  One year we had rabbit for Easter.  They raised them and after seeing their cute little faces, I had a hard time eating the rabbit.  It's a good thing that I wasn't raised on a farm because all the animals would be my pets and I would starve ... no, I'd probably become a vegetarian!  Between my mother's and father's families, holidays of any kind were HUGE affairs.

The Season of Winter ~~ A Time to Rest

You know, I enjoy each season of life.  Last December 24, we had the most glorious snowstorm.  What a gift.  I love to read and Winter is the perfect time ... throw a few logs on the fire, wrap up in a favorite blanket, sip on some cocoa and veg...  Since moving to the South, my blood has thinned and I freeze when the temperatures get below 80 degrees.  I leave projects that can be done indoors for the Winter months.  Out comes the paint and paintbrushes!!  We need times of rest in our lives ... everyone seems in such a rush doing this and that and going here and there.  Personally, I need some down time.  As a child, I tried ice skating (a whole lotta times!) and failed at each attempt.  In the late 70's I lived in Lakeville, MN for a short time and my neighbor and I decided to get in shape and run and do some cross country skiing.  Well, we lived in the country and while jogging one night, a dog bit me in the derriere and as for the cross country skiing, let's just say, I gave it a good try.

Besides the seasons, there are times of joy and sorrow.  If you are in a season of plenty and joy give thanks ... if you are in a season of loss and sorrow, look to the Lord, lean on Him and pray that He will give you strength.  There are times of sowing and reaping.  What we sow, that shall we reap...  We become what we dwell on whether it be good or not so good.  I've gone through a season of discovery and healing.  What a bittersweet process!  The good news is that I have found peace with my Maker and those who made my life a living hell.  I vowed that not one more moment would I allow those bad tapes to claim my life.  I live in Victory!!!

It's late at night and the house is so quiet.  Sadie is at my feet and Toby, Khelsea and Michael have long disappeared into the bedroom.  I look around me and feel loved and safe.  I love crosses and Santas and they are scattered throughout the house making me smile no matter where I go.  My body is aching from the Fibromyalgia so I will be taking tomorrow off from writing my blog...thus the reason I am up late tonight.  I need the rest because we are doing something really special tomorrow night...  I will update you on Friday!  

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul

to take!

Amen

G'night everyone - God bless!
Talk to you Friday!

Something's Got to Give!

"Prayer is not a substitute for work, thinking, watching, suffering, or giving.  Prayer is a support for all other efforts."  ~~George Buttrick





Dottie & Madison, December 16, 2000



This is one of my favorite photos taken at the wedding of my daughter, Jane, to Tim.  After saying grace before our meal came the Amen.  Madison looked at me and said quite loudly, "I'm not done."  I leaned over to hear the rest of her prayer and at that time there was a special bonding.  Not just the bond of being Grandma "." but as a fellow Christian.  Madison is now 14 and I pray that she is remembering her Lord as she goes through the difficult teen years.  I love this child and pray for her daily.  She is one special young lady...a very special gift! 

If you haven't picked up on it, I am a prayer warrior...an intercessor not afraid to step in the gap for my fellowmen and should I add fellow women?  I had the privilege of having a mentor, Janene, in my life for quite some time...she fed me book after book.  I devoured each one, hungry for the next.  I was driven to find wholeness and this was another part of my recovery.

I have decided to do another GIVE ME 40 DAYS written by Freeda Bowers.  I have done three of her studies and they are life changing especially when some extra difficulties come into my life.

Please allow me to share a letter I wrote on February 9, 2006:

"I am 24 hours into my fast.  Already I can feel the war between good and evil...God and Satan.  I know my faith will carry me through...I just know it.

My body hurts from my head to my toes.  I had Michael drop off my prescription and am in hopes that will help.  The bones in my foot are screaming, I will keep on keepin' on.

I thought a lot about what Chapter 1 had to say in GIVE ME 40 DAYS...  It is true, I am physically, mentally and spiritually spent.  I heard the Lord tell me to do the fast and get this book.  I am going to be obedient to His word.  Like the author, Freeda Bowers, I heard the words, "prayer is more important."  Yes, it is.  I am never  more at peace than I am in the presence of the living God.  "Somethings got to give."  I am giving the Lord my God my time of fasting then 40 days of prayer.

I am going to trust that God will supply my needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:19).  I know that God will bless and provide for me.  I read that I am to pray for others and let God take care of me.

Father in Heaven open my heart in mind to pray for those needing your intervention in their lives.   The Lord brought Sally to mind.  (Today, I asked Sally how her father was doing - he is going to have another surgery - I told her to tell him that he is being lifted up in prayer)  Thank you Jesus.  Heal her father and use this surgery to speak to him that he would know you are God.

Pray for one another that you may be healed.  (James 5:16)  Continue to bring forth those needing prayer father that they may be blessed with your healing hand.  Help me to set aside my own woes that I might realize the heaviness that others' carry.

My burden has been so heavy and I give that to you, Lord.  At this time, I will feast my eyes upon your face and listen for the whisper of your voice.  This time of fasting and the next 40 days will be a covenant between you and me!!  Amen

Faith...faith can move a mountain.  Oh how I remember that from Pastor C's sermon from so many years ago.  People jumping up and down...people on fire for the Lord.  Was I uncomfortable...YES!  However, it did make an impression!  I am going to stand firm on your word, Lord.  Faith - I will trust God fully.  Amen

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.  (Matthew 6:33)  Let me set aside self-condemnation for the past and concentrate on today and the days ahead.  Let me pray and live to the glory of God!!

A DIRECTION OF DIVINE ORDER:

The number 40 means divine order applied to all earthly things and flesh.  The 40 days I will have with God is "His time to bring His divine order into my life and into the lives of those for whom I will pray."

*  I will make prayer a priority

*  I will put all of my needs at the feet of Jesus

*  I will trust Him with every weight and care and give Him 40 days

*  I will seek God's face, trusting for a special new relationship with Him

*  I will commit to pray for the needs of others

*  I will abide in faith and obedience to His voice

*  I will embrace a mindset of faith.

Lord, "give me 40 days."

Quiet my soul..I love you, Lord!

Your servant "."

Part of healing is taking your eyes off yourself and serving others.  I am reminded of that especially at this time of the year.  I have always asked God to put me on the front lines and give me protection and strength for what is right.  A lot of this letter could be written by me today and that's why I shared it with you.  There are so many people out of work, hungry, downhearted, and just trying to make it through one more day.

I spent the afternoon and early evening with a friend on Monday.  She has been out of work for over a year, is alone and self-supporting.  I could sense the pain in her voice as she talked about her feelings of fear.  She is a dog lover and has lost her dog not too long ago.  She is so sad that she possibly will never have another dog because she can't afford the shots, etc.   My heart ached for her as I know how much we all love our pets.  Since she is alone, I can understand what it feels like to not having a pet to reach over, love on and help us with our feelings whether it be fear, sorrow, love, joy...  My pets have played a HUGE part in my recovery.  I had a landscaper once who was doing some work for me...one day he said, "When I die, I want to come back as one of Dottie's dogs!"  I laughed but yes, I truly love my dogren!  Who else would have pee pads close to an aging dog because she can't drink and make it outside.

 Yesterday, I gave you the Norwegian Table Prayer.  Today, let's inject a little humor and give you the dog's table prayer!  Take this puppy out and put in my Toby and it would be perfect.  He's my chow hound that would eat constantly...everything and anything!

May my readers' be blessed this day.  You are lifted up in prayer wherever you are.

Chat with you tomorrow!

 









Grandma Maggie

Grandmother Maggie

Since it is so close to Thanksgiving, I wanted to say a hearty thank you to my father's mother Marget aka Maggie.  I learned so much from her.  It wasn't exactly what she said, it was what she did that was so amazing...

My grandmother was born Marget Bertine Torguson on March 7, 1882 in a log cabin south of Glenwood, Minnesota one of fourteen children of Knud and Ragnhild Torguson.  I got a kick out of doing some checking into her life because she had so many brothers and sisters:  John, Torgus, Ole, Carl, Gustav, Ole Martinus,  Alfred Cornelius, Alfred Clarance, Olena, Sarah, Betsey, Rosey, Clara, and Emma.  They must have liked the names of Ole and Alfred!  She married my grandfather, Carl August Pederson when she was 22 and he was 25.  Together they had 7 children:  Alida, Blanche, Lester, Lorna, Eleanor, Helen and my father, Ernest.  My grandmother was a seamstress by trade.  Grandfather Carl passed away when my father was 13 years old and my grandmother passed away in 1981.

That being said, what made this woman so special?  Was she a raving beauty?  No...  Was she born into wealth and splendor?  No...  Was she outgoing and a social butterfly?  No...  Then, what was so special about an ordinary Norwegian woman who lived until she was nearly 100?   What was special was her heart and perseverance!  She was a role model for her children to follow and, I must say, they all turned out to be very kind and loving people.  There was a peacefulness about her that quieted the worst of days and, most of all, she loved me.  When I visited her as a child, she held me in her lap; when I was an adult, she held me in her lap; and, when I had my first child, I proudly placed Jill in her lap followed by Jane and Tommy.  I would hug her and she'd hug me back and smile - that smile made me so happy!

My grandfather was a farmer and later after his death, my grandmother moved into town.  She lived on welfare and was so grateful when commodities were handed out at the county courthouse.  She was a humble lady, a hard worker, and a friend to all she met.  She never turned down an opportunity to make money and was quite frugal with what she had.   She never asked for anything.  She had an old ice box for years and when I moved in 1979, I gave her my refrigerator/freezer.  She was soooo excited to be able to keep ice cream!

I can't tell you much about her life with raising 7 children with a husband who had Sleeping Sickness...her breast cancer...the cancer on her face...  All I know is that I never heard her complain.  Every afternoon, she would put on a nice dress, add a pin, and be ready for company.  People were drawn to her like bees to honey.  Nobody noticed that the floor slanted in the "parlor" ...  it was the smell of fresh egg coffee and baked cookies and that smile and hug that was given as soon as you walked in the door.  There was always lots of laughter there.  The only time I ever saw my grandmother broken was when my father (her baby) died in 1973.  She said, "You're not supposed to bury your child."  There were tears, a soaked handkerchief and silence.

Every afternoon you could find grandmother Maggie sitting in her favorite rocking chair reading her Norwegian Bible and looking out at her bird feeder.  Grandmother's faith was of the utmost importance to her.  She attended the Glenwood Lutheran Church regularly until the last couple years of her life and was active in many different groups called "circles".  She also took her homemade goodies, and knitted/crotcheted items to the State Fair and proudly showed off her blue ribbons.  Her casseroles were so good and in demand when it came time for the annual smorgasbord at church.  Her home ALWAYS smelled so good and there was not a speck of dust anywhere.  I always thought that her home was so beautiful - in fact, all her daughter's homes were beautifully decorated.  That's where I must get my love of interior design.

Grandmother taught all her grandchildren the famous Norwegian table prayer...I still remember it - when I say it my grandchildren give me one of those grins that only little ones can give.  I love it!

Here you go...the Norwegian Table Prayer

I Jesu navn går vi til bords
å spise, drikke på ditt ord.
Deg, Gud til ære, oss til gavn,
Så får vi mat i Jesu navn.
Amen.

In Jesus' name to the table we go
To eat and drink according to His word.
To God the honor, us the gain,
So we have food in Jesus' name.
Amen.

If you're wondering why I am talking so much about a simple Norwegian lady, I'll tell you why.  When I was tiny and ran away, I would go to her house.  When she made me a special playhouse beside her garage, I thought it was the most glorious place ever.  She never forgot to bring me cookies and Kool Aid.  She gave me what I wasn't getting at home.  I saw this little lady as someone that I wanted to be like when I got older.  She had wisdom.  She had grace and she had humility.  She was a safe person for a lost little girl!

My grandmother never preached about being a Christian.  She just was one!  All you had to do is look at her and her way of life and you just knew.  It was because of her that I thought God was in the Glenwood Lutheran Church.  It was there that I sought my Savior.

~~Jeremiah 29:13  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I did seek Him with all my heart.  I called His name and He kept His promise.

~~Psalm 34:4  I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

My trauma counselor said that it probably was because of my grandmother's strong influence that I had a sense of God and goodness.  I knew that love and warmth were possible.  I had a place to go and direction once I got there.  I am one of the fortunate ones.  Other child trauma victims aren't so fortunate ... our streets and prisons are filled with them.  I knew a wonderful man whose father beat him horribly from the time he was a baby until he was well in to high school.  His motto was "you got me and I will get you."   When he was nice he was nice but oh goodness, look out if you crossed him.  What a shame!  I feel fortunate that my motto was "it's all my fault" because if it was my fault, I could fix me.  My counselor said that I was a good candidate for rehabilitation and leading a good life.   I have to be careful to avoid some areas that might bring on an episode and as long as I do that, I am fine.  I think of myself as a beautiful urn that was broken and glued together...not perfect but still beautiful and able to find joy in life. 

I am grateful too because I learned how not to raise children from my parents.  I loved my children from the day they were born and don't miss a chance to hug them and tell them they are loved and cherished.  I choose now to look forward and have a healthy life free from people telling me how bad I am.  I seek out good role models and read incessantly not only for pleasure but to be a better person.  I love to learn something new every day.  (Having a smart 7 year old grandson helps too as he soaks up knowledge like a sponge!)  It is my hope and prayer that I will be half the role model that my grandmother was for me...that is my heart's desire.

My, the year has passed quickly.  Who would have thought that I would be writing about something so personal as childhood/adult trauma/abuse.  I wake up every day thanking God for my sanity and for the opportunity to help others realize that there is wholeness.  It's hard, I know, because dysfunction passes from generation to generation because that's what's normal.  I know better now.

I hope that God is blessing your socks off today.  It's been a good day...I filled Thanksgiving boxes at church today.  Oh, so many that have not been in need are now.  Our little church was so generous and I know what Thanksgiving is all about:  "thanks" "giving". 

Time to call it a day and rest in knowing that a lady who asked for so little is getting praise that she so well deserved!

Take care, my friends...until tomorrow...

Those pumpkins will make some great pumpkin pie!!

Stranger on the Shore - Thank You!

    





Stranger on The Shore

Here I stand, watching the tide go out
So all alone and blue
Just dreaming dreams of you

I watched your ship
As it sailed out to sea
Taking all my dreams
And taking all of me

The sighing of the waves
The wailing of the wind
The tears in my eyes burn
Pleading, "My love, return"

Why, oh, why must I go on like this?
Shall I just be a lonely
Stranger on the Shore?

The sighing of the waves
The wailing of the wind
The tears in my eyes burn
Pleading, "My love, return"
Why, oh, why must I go on like this?
Shall I just be a lonely
Stranger on the shore?

Music by Mr. Acker Bilk Words by Robert Mellin

Today, one of my Facebook friends posted the song Stranger on the Shore.  As I listened to the song, a misty fog filled my heart and I traveled back to Summer 1964 when I met a stranger on the shore who sang this song to me...

I was raised on Lake Minnewaska and have always been drawn to the beauty of this lake, it's surroundings and it's many facets.  The lake held such mystery for me...it was a place to think, to dream, to escape.  With graduation from high school behind me, I had decided to spend the Summer on the beach.  I waded in the water, picked up shells and read book after book.  My mother dropped me off after lunch and I spent my afternoons getting brown as a berry and feeling totally free in spirit.  It was one of the most joyous summers of my life.

One afternoon, a man in a burgundy convertible stopped a short distance from me and, books in hand, came down to the shore.  He had an engaging smile, was tall and it wasn't long before we were knee deep in conversation from what we wanted out of life to philosophy to history...different authors and books and how beautiful the lake was.  He challenged me and gifted me with poetry and books...  We played like children running through the trails where the ski jump had been, took rides around the lake and laughed at the silliest of things.  We made sand castles and watched the waves wash them away.  He was a radio announcer and would play different songs for me at night...always at close, he played Stranger on the Shore.  It was a magical Summer and life was good.  I was a Princess being courted by a gentlemanly Prince.

Galen was several years older than me yet we seemed well matched.  His intelligence blew me away.  Sadly, he was more interested in a long term relationship whereas I was enamored by his charm but looked forward to college not a romance.  He seemed to know me better than I knew myself in so many ways.  Sometimes, he would look into my eyes and say things that I didn't understand at the time.  Before I left for college he gave me the book, GIFT FROM THE SEA, by Anne Morrow Lindbergh and said that one day I would know why  he gave it to me.  Yes, now I know.  I've read the book every so many years and and wonder what it would have been like had we remained friends and attended the same college....  He was a good person ... Were the bad tapes playing?  I will never know...  What I do know, is that I knew a special person who sang Stranger on the Shore to me...

When I arrived at college, to the envy of other dorm mates, I had stacks of mail and gifts.  He wanted me to be able to sense his presence as I started my freshman year.  The tapes played loudly and I could not take the relationship to another level other than friends.  With the busyness of school, I soon forgot The Stranger on the Shore.  Sadly, the relationship slowly ended and we went our separate ways.  The Autumn leaves fell and Autumn gave way to Winter.  The next Summer, I attended summer school and my time on the beach took a backseat to Philosophy.  I was dating another young man by that time as well and feeling like a boat tossed on a stormy sea.

Not too long ago, I looked Galen up on the Internet and saw his obituary.  I was absolutely in shock.  Why would a man like Galen have to die so young?  I am now at an age where life can be cut short in a moment's notice...my high school class is dwindling and with each email announcing loss or severe illness, there comes sadness at the loss then joy at remembering that person and who I remembered him/her to be like.   Why is it that life goes by so quickly and gives way to memories of "what if?"  For so long, I feel like I've lived the life of Job.  Now, my days give way to protecting that child inside me that lived with secrets for so long...I protect her when she cries and is hurt.  I give her pep talks and allow her to fly!  I hold out my hand for others to come join me in my quest for wholeness!  I don't want to miss one day of joy!





Thunder Clouds over Lake Minnewaska



This is a photo of thunder clouds over Lake Minnewaska.  I love the photo...the beauty, the deepness of color.  I know it's changed a lot since I was there last and one of my dreams is to go there once again and wade in the water.  The lake is wooing me and calling me ... I know not why.  Maybe it's a way of getting closure to a past mixed with pain and pleasure...trauma and joy.

As I look back on my life, I have so much to say thank you for.  Special people, special times ...  With every layer of trauma and abuse, there has been a layer of good...of innocence...every time I've been in need, God has brought a special person into my life to befriend and mentor me.  Because I knew there was something wrong, I was a willing pupil.  I wanted to know and being a rather type "A" person, I wanted to know RIGHT NOW!!  God doesn't work that way and I've had to develop patience.  I've had to learn to say "no," do the right thing (even if my knees are shaking), and leave the rest to God.  I finally have worth!!

As night closes in, I pray that the Stranger on the Shore who befriended me and made me feel so special knows that he was an important part of a leg on my journey of life... 

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..."~~John 4:18

Thank you to all of you who have commented on my blogs.  It is my hope that voicing my journey to wholeness will help someone out there.  Just remember, you're worth something and don't let anyone tell you you're not!!  Speak up for yourself -- if you don't love yourself who will?

Until we meet again, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are one gorgeous woman or one handsome man  - AND MEAN IT!!  I love you, yes YOU!!!

It's Beginning to Look Alot Like Christmas at the Seidlers!

P.S.   Jingle Bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ... sorry folks, it's the Christmas Lady getting in the mood for a Blessed Christmas!!  Yehaaaaa!

  

Blessings Come When You Least Expect Them!





Jane and Madison aka MaddyBelle

  

A loving heart is the truest wisdom.
Charles Dickens

I had the joy of talking with my daughter today -- twice.  One was just chit chat and the other was on a much more serious tone.  All mothers know when that tone of "Mom..." means something serious.

Jane had gone to Target and coming out saw a man that looked just like her father-in-law, Rich who passed on about six months ago.  Rich was a jolly old soul always thinking of others.  He called my daughter Lady Jane and was one of her biggest fans!  Jane is a Southern Lady with charm and compassion and Rich liked that bit of Texas about her.  Maybe because he was like that (except he that the bit of Minnesota Charm).  She had a special place in his heart and he in hers.  Her encounter shook her up and I was glad that it opened a door for us to laugh, cry and appreciate each other and the people in our lives.

It is a blessing to be able to be so open with my children and talk about stuff that really comes from the heart and soul.  I couldn't ask for more wonderful children than the ones God blessed me with.  They are imperfect people growing right alongside me and I love it!

Talking with Jane tonight brought up a myriad of subjects including do those that pass watch over us and give us messages...  I think they do.  After my mother died, my son inherited her car which he named "Gram".  He and some friends had gone to a movie and was turning right out of the parking lot.  At the same time, a lady changed lanes and hit the car to the left of the driver's door completely totaling the car.  Tommy's head went to the right then back to the left breaking out the window.  I received one of those calls all parents dread..."Your son has been in a serious accident, please meet us at the hospital."  Tommy had a concussion but other than that no one was hurt.  Later he told me that his grandmother was watching over him.  I am trying to remember more of what he said but he was sure about what he was telling me.

With that memory, came another memory that I had forgotten,  I live in Texas and my mother lived in Minnesota.  She had come to live with me for about six months and had decided she wanted to go home.  She missed her home, family, and friends.  I had taken her to a rheumatologist while she was here and she had gone from severely handicapped with RA to bouncing on that plane to go home.  Two months later she died...  I mourned her death horribly and I'm sorry if this sounds gross but I hated it when they closed her casket and I kissed her and told her that I loved her.  Then....quietly the undertaker closed her coffin.  To put her in the ground was almost more than I could handle.  I hate being closed in and I think she did too.

I didn't understand my reaction to my mother's death.  I was staying at her home while I was there and it seemed so empty.  I cried with the sobs of a small child...I curled up in a corner and wailed.  Now, I know that my mother's death triggered a PTSD episode.  I drove her car back to Texas and cried all the way.  I couldn't seem to get beyond the feeling that we had unfinished business.  Shortly after I returned home, I remember waking up and seeing my mother sitting on the bottom of my bed.  She looked at me and smiled and said, "I'm in a better place now, I love you."  I had forgotten that but now, I do and I need to retract my statement that my mother never said that she loved me.  She did...in spirit!  It would have been nice to hear it while she was alive but I'm going to call it an unexpected blessing!



Zachary - Concentration!

 The little boy who almost wasn't...  My daughter in law was scheduled for surgery in December  2002.  Because it was Christmas, she decided to reschedule her surgery until January.  Tommy, Angie, and I were in the hospital room waiting for them to come get her for surgery.  It seemed to be taking longer than usual and we were all sitting there chatting and thinking that "it's going to be better now ... maybe you can get pregnant."  The doctor came in with this serious look on his face with the news, "No surgery today and not for a long time."  We were looking at each other blankly when the doctor gave the rest of his news with a smile ..."you're pregnant."  I was sitting in the corner of the room so I could see my son's face and my daughter in law's face.  SHOCK!!  Zachary was a real unexpected blessing who has been an amazing part of his parents, grandparents, and others lives.  What if that surgery had been done?

I think the messages from those gone before us are to remind us to appreciate those who are still with us.  The time to say "I love you" is now ... the time to visit is now ... the time to mend fences is now ... The messages may come in the form of a sight of a loved one, the feeling that someone is there.  It's important to be aware and to celebrate those times!



Santa honoring Baby Jesus



I have started decorating for Christmas.  Yes, I know, I'm one of those nuts who love everything about Christmas...the sounds, smells, music.  What a blessing Christmas is!  One of my favorite Christmas decorations is Santa playing homage to the Baby Jesus.  An unexpected find ... a welcome reminder.

Well, it's time to spend some time outside.  I noticed that my roses are still blooming like crazy.  I look at them and smile.  The Pansies are poking their smiling face up.  I am blessed to be looking at flowers in November!  The rabbits have been hopping around tasting the Kale.  Looks like Sadie needs to spend more time outside hunting.  Luckily most of them can run faster than she can and it keeps them at bay.

Remember to keep your eyes, ears, and senses awake as you go about your day.  Someone or something may unexpectedly be there to remind you or lead you...

Until tomorrow, consider yourself loved...Ya YOU! 



   

What Is Love?



Love is a home where you are safe...



Let's talk about LOVE...one of my favorite subjects.  As a matchmaker for five years, it's hard not to get caught up in the whole love and romance aura of life.  God never meant for man to be alone and ever since the Garden of Eden, men and women have sought partners.  In my journey to wholeness, love has taken on a whole new meaning and encompasses more than just a relationship between a man and a woman.

 

First of all, God had to fill the empty hole in my heart.  No one else or nothing else could do that.  I had to find love in my Lord...heart, mind and soul.  That was really the beginning of my journey.

 
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~~1st Corinthians 13:5-7

In trauma therapy I learned than anything opposite of the above verse is NOT love.  I had always known that but it was merely in the head not the heart.  Writing left handed in my journal opened the pathway to my heart.  After God, I had to learn to love myself.  This was very difficult for me because I was not ok to the very people I looked to to love me.  I learned that love is flawed and to me I was the one that was flawed.  As much as I tried, I couldn't be that perfect person. 



Love is walking a mile in another's shoes before you judge them!

Love is walking in another person's shoes before you judge them.  As bad as I felt about myself, you'd be surprised at how cruelly I was and have been treated.  I was a Christian yet my biggest hurts have come from Christians...in trauma counseling, I learned that I was an amazing woman of courage, I was sane, I was ok just who God made me to be.  I had to forgive myself and be whole before I could start walking in my abusers' and accusers' shoes.  It was difficult for me to know exactly what love was because love must be experienced.  For a sexually abused child, love can mean sex with anyone who is (seemingly) kind to you.  I had two things going on inside me after high school...first of all, sex before marriage was wrong and secondly, if I did have sex before marriage, I had to marry that person.  (My father's continual tape about premarital pregnancy and being a whore were deep seeded.)  Sex was not pleasurable for me.  It was shame based.  I wanted love so badly...the problem was I felt I didn't deserve love thus I played out the tapes.

Love is the gift of touching someone you love...

 Every child needs the gift of touch.  I hope you can see the photo of my parents on the left.  They were genuinely in love with each other.  It is sad for me that life got in the way of that love and, from the time I was a baby until adulthood I suffered from that.  I never remember my father or mother telling me that they loved me.  When I would say "I love you" to my mother, she would simply say, "me too."  That would hurt so bad because I wanted her to hold me and tell me that I was precious to her.   To say and hear "I love you" are the most treasured words one can gift and be gifted.

In my life, I have had my share of smooth talking suitors.  But, now I know that Love is not manipulative. It must never be used to get others to do what you want. When you Love someone you never ask them to sacrifice a part of themselves in the name of Love. This form of manipulation contaminates our Love for another. True Love has a foundation of integrity, respect, faith and trust. Love is the force that brings about unity and harmony.  We need that affirmation.  My marriages were not free and unconditional...they were mixed with conditions and demands.  I allowed that to continue until 2003 when I began trauma counseling.



Love is not perfect...

 Love is not perfect.   Sam Keen says, "Love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly."  I still don't have a kitchen in the little casa.  You know, though, whenever I go there, I can walk through the front door and celebrate the fact that every other room has been completed.  I'll take a peek in the kitchen and say, "Well, soon you will be as beautiful as the rest of the house."  I can choose to think the whole house is ugly or realize that it's a work in progress.  People are like that too!   I have a choice.

 

Love is embracing differences and discovering ways in which to build a common lifestyle, share decision-making, and take equal responsibility for the results. The road to self-discovery is paved with Love.  It took me a little longer than most to "get it" (as Dr. Phil says) but now I do and I celebrate the people who held my hand and encouraged me to keep on going.  Oh, I had friends who walked out when I didn't do what "they thought" I should do but that too is part of life.  Some people have been in my life for brief periods of time then others for almost my entire life.  That's just the way it is...



Love is having a special chair to call your own...

 Love is having a special chair to call your own.  (My chair's name is Emma)  I've talked about chairs a lot in my blogs.  I haven't figured out exactly why that is but when Michael and I sat down and discussed the decor of the little casa, it was important for both of us to pick out our own chairs.  Funny how something that could be construed as minor could be such a big deal to both of us.  In redoing the little casa, I found that Love involved honoring the wishes and ideas of someone else besides "moi"!  I think we all need special places and things we can call our own.  When I lived in the shelter for thirty days, the most heart wrenching thing was to see how excited the little children were to have a toy of their own.  Not toys but a toy!  

 

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and that too means Love to me.  When I was a child, my parents would host Thanksgiving at our home every year.  What a glorious time that was when relatives started streaming in the door.  Mom always made the turkey and her sisters and brothers and other relatives would each contribute.  It was a time of Love for me because my cousins would be there and that meant someone to have fun with.  Often times, it was quite cold and we would go bowling.  The men would eat too much and would take up all the beds snoring in rhythm and the women would congregate in the kitchen washing dishes and getting ready for round two of eating!  Just experiencing the excitement of the day meant good things to me. 

Every time a bell rings an angel gets it's wings!

My favorite movie is "It's A Wonderful Life".  That movie symbolizes Love to me.  I used to get the movie out and have my family watch it with me...now, I mostly watch it by myself.  My grandmother's name was Belle, my middle name is Bell, and my granddaughter's middle name is Belle.  Every time I think of the line in the movie, "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings" I get shivers.  As a little child my wings were clipped...now, my wings are full and spread wide.  I hear many parents call their children angels...Well, now I must do that for myself and be ok.  If you hear the bells ringing in the stores at Christmas, it's probably me!!



Love is the gift of grandchildren & children!

 Love is family!  My cousin sent out a  posting today on Facebook saying it was Grandchildren's Week.  Well, I have some of the cutest, best grandchildren in the world.  Madison, Katrina, Zachary and Nicholas, you mean the world to me.  I love you.  You're all so different yet perfectly made with just the right personality!  The day I became a mother was one of the best days of my life and when I was blessed with two more children, I couldn't have been more pleased.   Michael has grown with me and supported me through the muck and mire of the cleansing of my heart and soul.  The first time I had a real melt down from a trigger, I nearly scared the man to death.  Those don't happen any more...thank God!

 

Well, we could dissect love and what it is and is not for pages and pages...Maybe I've given you some food for thought!  Go find that special someone and tell them that you love them...out loud! 

 

I love you all...Yeah! YOU!

God Bless America & Those Who Protect Our Shores

God Bless America Lyrics
by Irving Berlin

God bless America,
Land that I love,
Stand beside her and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above;

From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans white with foam,
God bless America,
My home, sweet home.
God bless America,
My home, sweet home.



Ernest T. Pederson - WWII



Today is Veterans' Day - it is also my brother's birthday.  Thank you to all the veterans' who have served our country including my brother who served in Viet Nam.  I have family who have served in every war on US soil, Viet Nam, and the European Theatre.

The Internet has been a big help to me in my journey to find out where I came from.  Today, I found the following tidbit about my great grandfather when he served in the Civil War:

Civil War Veteran, "Rollin Joseph Hall enlisted October 10, 1861 at Pottsdam to serve 3 years; mustered in as sergeant, Company E, October 30, 1861; promoted to 1st Sergeant, no date; transferred to Company D, June 11, 1863; wounded in action June 1, 1864 at Cold Harbor, VA; transferred to Company K September 1, 1864; mustered out with company January 7, 1865 at Albany, NY."  I have misplaced my geneology papers or I would  introduce you to the rest of my family of whom I am very proud that they chose to serve to keep us safe..

WW II Veteran, Sergeant Ernest T. Pederson (my father),   served in the Engineers Service and Combat Battalion, enlisting January 1943.  My mother kept a scrapbook of the war and  I've spent some time in the past few days reading the newspaper articles, looking at photos, and reading cards.  I've been sickened and shocked at the articles as well as found warmth gazing at a soldier feeding a baby in France.

What a horrific war this was.  Patriotism was at it's height and many sons from the same family enlisted (One family in the town I grew up in, had 8 sons enlist!).  Little did they know what they were really in for.  Many men suffered from frostbite and trench-foot which was almost as dangerous as the enemy.  A clean-up might be building a fire to heat water and stripping down next to a snow bank.  I look at those photos and I admire the perserverance of these men.  

My father wrote the following letter to my grandmother from the front lines in Europe.  It gives some insight about army life.

Somewhere in Belgium

November 2, 1944

Dear Mom,

Well, I'm finally getting to find time to get a few lines off to you and let you know I am fine and hope you are the same.

Just now a flying bomb went over.  We really watch them because one never knows when and where they will come down.  We could hear this one go off.  It was quite a ways off.  Well, Mom, we really have been on the go.  I have been in Holland too but am back in Belgium now.  The people seem pretty friendly but you sure have to watch your step.  We carry our rifles with us wherever we go.  I have been on the fighting lines and it reminds me of the first day of duck hunting back home.  I am on a machine gun now.  I have been sitting in a fox hole for some time.

Boy I surely wish this old war would come to an end because I get so homesick for you.  Mom, will you send me all the cigarettes you can get?

We will be living in a school building so it makes it much nicer than sleeping out on the ground 'cause it sure gets cold.

Sure wish I was home and I am looking forward to that day.  Your Son, Ernie

My father fought in most of the major battles of the war.  There is a photo that I am looking at of the Army Engineers crossing the Roer River.  On the boat is a dead comrade.  I wonder if my father was on that boat because in several of his letters he talks about crossing the Roer River as well as the Rhine River.  Some of the articles talk about the smell of death.  Our soldiers many of whom were kind loving men held guns prepared to shoot the enemy.   My father was one of those...kill or be killed.  He started his tour in Iceland, then arrived in France in September 1944.  His unit(s) were constantly on the move from France to Belgium, to Holland, to Italy.  As I read through the scrapbook and my father's letters to my mother, I could sense what he was going through.  The horror was "across the pond" as the soldiers called it but as the war ended, these warm loving guys who left their homes came back with scars, wounds (both physical and mental) without much help.  Here is a poem written by Frances Angermayer that brought tears to my eyes:

CONVERSION

Look God, I have never spoken to you--

    But now--I want to say "how do you do."

You see, God they told me you didn't exist--

    And like a fool--I believed all this.

Last night from a shell hole I saw your sky--

    I figured right now they had told me a lie.

Had I taken time to see the things you made,

    I'd known they weren't calling a spade a spade.

I wonder, God, if you'd shake my hand,

    Somehow--I feel that you will understand.

Funny--I had to come to this hellish place,

    Before I had the time to see your face.

Well, I guess there isn't much more to say,

    But, I'm sure glad; God I met you today.

I guess the "zero hour" will soon be here,

    But I'm not afraid since I know you're here.

The signal! --Well, God --I'll have to go.

    I like you lots--this I want you to know--

Look, now--this will be a horrible fight--

    Who knows--I may come to your house tonight--

Though I wasn't friendly with you before,

    I wonder, God--if you'd wait at your door--

Look--I'm crying!  Me!--Shedding tears!--

    I wish I'd known you these many years--

Well, I will have to go now, God--Good-bye.

    Strange--Since I met you--I'm not afraid to die.

I wonder what I would be like if I had served in a major war?  I think I did serve in my own war of Childhood Trauma and Adult Abuse.  I was born this innocent baby girl who grew into a young woman and had so much of my life taken from me.  My dad was this happy young man who faced his own trauma in losing his father at such a young age then fighting in the midst of blood and gore.  God, I pray that you will have a nice place for us where there is peace, forgiveness and love.  We live in this fallen world where so many hearts are damaged.  Heaven?  Oh what a place that will be...

In signing off, I quote Psalm 139:23-24  "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

God bless you all and keep you safe!