The Wounded Woman

April 20, 2012

Good Morning, Readers!  I've been up nearly all night.  Sadie has allergies and itched and scratched til she was exhausted.  We gave her her medicine and she (finally!) has settled down enough to rest.  In the meantime, I decided to get up and start my day five hours than I usually do.  I've been cleaning and sorting through clothes and working to get the little casa back in order after the big move and garage sale.  I know that in the long run all this organization and work will be worth it.  I keep my eyes on my goals and take it a day at a time.

This morning, as I prayed, I had a vision of a group of women moving together enmass.  I looked at them and said, "The walking wounded!"  I had tears in my eyes and felt such a deep sorrow for them and wondered if they knew the Lord.  They kept marching towards me until I could see their faces.  I stood very still and wondered if I would be swallowed up by their sorrows and anger -- oh my gosh, I saw my own face.  I heard another voice, "You are mine, a fine woman of the Almighty.  Come and I will protect you and give you peace."

"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." ~~Psalm 147:3

Yes, I was one of those walking wounded; and, as I have said in previous blogs, I began to realize after four marriages that maybe the problem was me.  Oh, I can blame and point fingers but when push came to shove, I said yes to marrying those rascals who were charming, manipulative, and emotionally unavailable.  I would describe the walking wounded woman as someone who has been deeply hurt in the past and carries psychological damage into the present.  Yep ... that was me!

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped. Therefore, my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him."

~~Psalm 28:7

Many times, women suffer the aftermath of physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse in childhood or possibly later in relationships.  In my case, I had suffered trauma as a child then moved on to further abuse as a young woman.  It was what I was used to.  Wounded women often times live with chaotic emotions; or, as in my case, I steeled myself and said I didn't matter.  It took a long time for me to heal, regaining my sense of self and trust, because I had no idea of the core of my abuse.  I was an expert at self-deceit and self-sabotage as the tapes ran in my subconscious.  As long as I looked at my other people's faults, I stayed in bondage. It was pretty darn scary, to have to dig deep within and cut out the poison inside of me.  I say "cut" because it hurt like hell!!  I journaled keeping my thoughts "mine" ... I used my left hand to write (I am right handed) to slow me down and bring out my child.

"I sought the Lord, and He heard me."~~Psalm 34:4

What were my symptoms?  Some days I was happy and content.  Other days, I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I felt drawn into a deep hole of depression.  I only allowed people to know the perfect me.  I had to be perfect, look perfect, have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, and on and on.  If I wasn't perfect, I would be rejected; therefore, I had a hard time letting go enough to truly enjoy healthy, happy relationships.  I was attracted to bad boys ... those men who were smooth talking, manipulative, handsome, and outgoing.  I knew this was wrong; however, I seemed drawn to self destruction.  I was drawn to the bad boys of the world knowing full well that it wasn't healthy. 

"In the multitude of my anxieties within me,Your comforts delight my soul."

~~Psalm 94:19

I knew what I wanted but never got it.  I played out the tapes in my mind that told me that I didn't deserve good. I had all the normal urges to have a relationship with the opposite sex and wanted to have a successful relationship but the very moment my healthy emotions were aroused, the tapes of my buried hurt reared it's ugly head and I bolted.  The nicer the man, the faster I'd run.  As a wounded woman, I (subconsciously) sought out emotionally unavailable men.  It was a familiar misery -- I hated it yet there it was.

"My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word."

~~Psalm 119:28

Sometimes, God has a way of taking us to our knees where the pain is so bad that either we are going to die or seek help.  I began my therapy in the 1980's -- my painful hurts were so locked up that it took years to find out what really happened to me.  Healing took place one layer at a time as I was able to handle the rawness and deepness of the pain.  There were no quick fixes.  I was so miserable that I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to be whole.

"He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength."~~Isaiah 40:29

I was driven by busyness, filling up every moment of my day and night with work, classes, therapy, and being a mom.  If I was engaged and busy, my mind didn't go backwards in time and I didn't have to deal with my thoughts.  Gradually, I introduced reading my Bible, prayer, and owning the tapes running over and over in my mind.  Gradually, I was able to accept myself flaws and all.  I saw myself for what I was ... a woman covered from head to toe with open sores, a bruised heart ... a walking wounded woman.  Gradually, a new woman started emerging from the wasteland I had been submerged in.  By the grace of God and an army of loving people, I began to heal one day at a time, one layer at a time.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?~~Psalm 27:1

Is there hope for the walking wounded?  YES!!  If the severity of the damage is profound, the wounded woman needs professional help.  That was true in my case ... I needed a place where I could feel safe -- a place where I wouldn't be judged.  I lived in boxes of logic where emotions were kept in check (until the hurt bubbled up to the top of the box and spewed over).  My first therapist made the comment to me that I could relate a story of hurt expressing no emotion.  Someone could drive a nail into my flesh and I wouldn't feel it.  That's how I protected myself.  I lived in steel armor.  I had head knowledge not heart knowledge.  I needed to connect the two.  Once I allowed emotion to enter my being, I cried at the drop of a hat.  I think I could have taken a bath in my tears!!

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."~~Psalm 51:17 (NIV) 

I have needed empathetic ears and time has been my ally.  I learned to treat moi kindly.  I built up my wounded self-esteem and found peace in patience.  I had been too open with my trust -- I learned to look at what people did not focus on what was being said.  God told me that I was worthwhile.  Since He doesn't lie, I could believe him.  Yes, I had to deal with the consequences of my choices but He didn't abandon me calling me worthless.  I could rest knowing that He would use my past to help others and to be a light in the darkness.  It was tough, Readers, to be honest with myself and others.  It was tough making amends when I'd rather keep the past hidden.  It was hard facing rejection from those I loved yet I lived through it.

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

~~Psalm 118:6

What did I need?  I needed friends who accepted me warts, bumps, and all.  I needed truth and encouragement ... often times, I needed tough love.  I needed role models to learn from and to copy when I didn't know what to do.  I needed the strength of God to fill the holes within my heart ... no human could fill those gaping wounds.

Only you, my Readers, can decide if the walking wounded woman is worth your time and trouble.  If she is, you're probably in for a wild roller-coaster ride.  But, if you are patient and loving, there may be a great reward for your constancy and friendship.

Did you know that the words we speak give us victory or defeat, cause us to rise up or be crushed, produce life or produce loss?  The power of our words significantly alters the course of our lives.  Proverbs 18:21 says that death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

We all have scars from life and we have all been wounded.  I give praise and thanks to the Lord that I have not been destroyed.  If you are suffering with a broken heart or a crushed spirit remember, the Son of Righteousness is here with healing in his wings.  God loves you and so do I.  It has been through the transformation and renewing of my mind that I am who I am today.  What is my secret?  I shut out the voices of the world and listened to the one who never lies ... the one who wrapped me in a soft blanket when I was bleeding and raw ... the one who lifted me from the depths of despair into the light of salvation and eternal life.  I made Him Lord of my life -- He has taught me, pruned me, and given me strengths I never knew possible.  My life of secrets became an open book and I although I walk to the tune of my own drum, it is He who lights my path.  How about you?  Who is your strength when you have none?

Miss Dottie

PS:  "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.  Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."~~Romans 12:2 (NLT)