I'm Scared!!

October 15, 2013

Dear Readers,

If you've read my blogs, you know about the little Pom we rescued ... Ruffles.  As a puppy mill bitch, Ruffles suffered long hours in a cage resulting in deformed legs, a fear of people and noise, a fear of being picked up, and was very bonded to her more outgoing sister, Harmony.

It's taken months but Ruffles has become my little princess and her bond has been transferred from Harmony to me.  I have become her safe Pommy Mommy ~ the one who feeds her, talks to her, holds her, and provides for all her needs. She still has fears of anything out of the ordinary but for the most part, Ruffles has become an independent, happy little sweetheart.

A few days ago, I was in the cottage working on the computer. Ruffles, Harmony, Zeke, and Kennedy were sitting beside me. Michael came home from work and in all the excitement of the crew migrating from the cottage to the little casa, Ruffles got left.  I filled six bowls with kibble and told them all to line up ... oh, oh ... Ruffy was missing.

Michael went back to the cottage to find her and what he found was one panicked little lady stranded on the couch.  Everyone had gone and she was left behind ~ terrified.  Michael picked her up and tried to quiet her down.  She was shaking, whimpering, and had wet on herself.  She thought she had been abandoned and in a matter of less than five minutes had worked herself up into a frenzy.

We tried comforting her, petting her, talking to her in soft tones...  I wondered if all my work in helping her to feel safe had gone down the drain. She calmed down enough to eat but for the rest of the evening, she was sprawled out on my chest staring at me.  When I had to get up, Michael held her and she would stare at him, shaking.

At bedtime, I lay Ruffles beside me and she snuggled down, relaxed, and began breathing at a normal pace.  I had tears running down my face. What happened to this little one who was so very afraid?

I thought about how Ruffles is like people who have been used, abused, and/or abandoned. Trauma is a terrible thing ... something that cannot be erased.  As a survivor, I learned that humans were flawed and that no one person could make my past disappear.  Only God could fill the empty holes in my heart and make me complete.  He needed to be my centering, my rock.  My fellow travelers on earth were the icing on the cake.  I took the little girl and young woman who was so afraid and crawled up on the lap of the man who said, "Suffer the little children not..."  It took time to heal and time to learn to trust without shaking in my boots.

Maybe God knew all along that I needed my little rescues as much as they needed me.  Each holds such a special place in my heart as we move forward together.  I truly feel the best way to heal is to reach out to others and face those fears.  Many years ago I began a journey and I've seen how my courage has moved my family into a different direction of openness, honestly, and light.  Each of my children has had their own cross to bear and they are helping others.  We aren't a perfect family by any means.  What we are is a family willing to do that next right thing and leave the results in God's hands.

Today, Ruffles is back to exploring on her own, waving that big Pom tail in the air, and entertaining us with the Ruffy Shuffle (she looks like she's clogging with all four feet).  It's raining outside and she is laying beside the Fall Tree in the cottage.  The floor is littered with pillows and blankets and my Sensational Six are doing what they like best ~ being a pack of loved dogren.

It's okay if you're scared today, we've all been there.  Just look to the man who changed the world and gave us grace and hope and grab ahold of his hand.  Get yourself a Bible and start reading the New Testament.  Write down "YOU are worthy!" on your bathroom mirror.  Stand up straight and face those demons. (Personally, I tell them to leave in the name of Jesus!)

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?" ~Psalm 118:6

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER, you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!  It's no coincidence that you're reading my blog!!

Miss Dottie

PS  "I got so scared when my brothers, sisters, and my mommy left me on the couch.  I didn't think they were coming back.  I couldn't jump down because my legs are weak.  I could hear my pack barking for their food.  Was I to go hungry?  It was dark inside the cottage just like at the puppy mill when I was stuffed into a little cage.  Old memories flooded back.  I heard the door open, 'Ruffy, you in there?' I couldn't help myself, those feelings of trust and hurt were sooo real and they wouldn't go away. My Pommy Daddy took me to my Pommy Mommy.  I was still scared. Maybe one day I won't be so scared, my Mommy tells me I'm not going anywhere. We are a family and we look after each other. That's what families do!" ~Ruffy