And a good morning to you, Readers! It's rather overcast and goofy looking here in Central Texas this morning. I keep thinking that it's going to pour down rain any moment and have put off watering. I grabbed my Daily Walk Bible and finished up reading the Psalms ... was quite pleasant outside ... not so hot with a gentle breeze blowing. I am content, rested, spiritually filled, and set to take on my day!!
I am that woman at the well. I have had five husbands ... I have struggled with self-sabatoging behaviors my entire life. I have stumbled and fallen so many times that I've lost count. I've pissed people off and have had the elders of a church shake their fingers at me. My eldest daughter decided I am not fit to be called her mother. I've had Christians look at me with disgust. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. When I went through childhood trauma counseling, my counselor told me that I was lucky that my mind was intact ... not only had I gone through childhood trauma, I had experienced the worst sort of emotional and physical abuse as a young woman. How would you expect me to behave? Based on the facts of my life, how would you judge me?
I never wanted to be a victim, I wanted to be victorious. I never wanted to be hated, I wanted to be loved. I never wanted to have fingers pointed at me, I wanted to be understood. I had a hole in my heart as big as Texas and shovels of dirt that I kept trying to fill it with. Dirt... Mud... Bad relationships... Anger... Inconsistent boundaries... It wasn't until I truly gave my life over to the care of the Lord that I gave up the shovel for a Bible and good tapes. When others said I was bad, God told me I was worthy. Why could I work so well with women in shelters? Women who were stumbling? Wounded women? Because I knew them, that's why. They were my sisters... I didn't look down on them, I could lift them up. They helped me heal and I will be forever grateful to those women that God brought into my life. Besides those women I spoke to and taught, God brought seasoned Christian women to come alongside me and teach me. My friends in Christ, counseled me, brought me book after book and answered questions I had. I discovered gifts that I never knew I had and gradually ... one day at a time, I began to heal and grow and mature. Am I there yet? No ... that will take a lifetime. I'm up for the challenge! I chose to model my life after the winners that I could put a hand out to the less fortunate.
Okay, back to my conviction ... I realized that in my own hurt that I had been condemning others albeit with good intentions. I sat in the second row at church with tears streaming down my face. I felt like such a hypocrite. In my wanting others to measure up to what "I would do," I used words that wounded. Oh yes, I had been hurt and that's a fact. BUT ... two wrongs don't make a right and I struck back. Did it get me what I desired? No. It only drove a wedge between me and the person I wanted to be close to. I knew I needed to apologize ... not later but as soon as possible. I was broken and my heart hurt. I was able to look at them, not me and realize my part. It is my deepest hope that my apology was accepted and that the wall constructed so many years ago could come down. No matter what happens, God convicted me and I was obedient... I did my part, the rest I leave to the Lord.
I'm never going to be perfect and I'm going to make bad mistakes in life. That being said, I am learning to live taking my thoughts captive before I act hastily. I am learning to think about what I am allowing into my life, mind, and heart. I've lived way too much on the feelings side. I've given love away to those I shouldn't have and turned away those I should have embraced. Why? Because I was lost and lived on empty that's why.
Pastor Mark read the Prayer of Francis of Assisi ... I think it's worth closing my blog with.
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.It is my hope and prayer that you, my Readers, will find it in your heart to be gentle with those in your household and the world around you. As Christians, what have we gained if what we do and say in judgement turns the world off. We are to be an example that others would want to be like us and would want to know Jesus as their personal savior. We are to love the sinner and hate the sin ... tough, I know!
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
It is through my blog that I want you to know me, the real me. I want to edify and encourage you letting you know that if I could be victorious, you can too!!! I walk in truth and light. I pick and choose my battles carefully. If you ask me to give an account for what I believe, I will. It is my fervent hope that you will see Christ's love in me ... that you will see my heart as one of forgiveness and grace. Come on, Readers, let's walk this journey of life together. We have much to be greatful for!!
Miss Dottie
Your blog touches on despair, destruction, reconstruction, hope, forgiveness, acceptance, love, and so many emotions we go through as we move through life. Although a painful experience at times, we can never grow and better ourselves if we don't trudge through the mess. As an analogy I can picture a house in the process of spring cleaning...sure looks like a mess as we dust, organize, declutter, and clean. Yet, suddenly as all is put back in the proper place-- sparkling clean we see the fruits of our labor. Such is life...often a mess before the wee see God's light.
ReplyDeleteLove you~
Jane