Life in the time of trial

August 29, 2014

Dear Readers,

Come on in and pull up a chair. It's been awhile since you and I talked. Life hasn't been easy and every time I sat down at the computer, my fingers couldn't move and the words in my head became jumbled, not making sense even to me. It's been enough to just get through the day dodging the bullets coming from this place and that. I must say, I take comfort in knowing that in times like this the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf. What would I ever do without my faith?? I keep thinking ... one more day, one step forward, take care of what you can... 

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." ~Romans 7:26

As long as I have known my husband, he has had digestive issues and has been a self-diagnosing, self-medicating kind of guy. Well, as so often things do, it all caught up on him. His stomach stopped working and he ended up in the hospital ultimately needing surgery. Dr. Jesus sure worked overtime preparing the perfect place, doctors, and nurses to minister to him. He came home Tuesday and it's been a tough couple days. His weight continues to drop (127 this morning on his 6'2" frame) and he has been plagued with diarrhea and severe weakness. I talked with his gastro doctor and surgeon today and I'm doing everything I can do on this end. Healing will just take time.

Along with Michael's illness came a storm of financial woes and a major problem that needs to be addressed with the house (the breaker box, electrical panel, and wiring). The electrician came up with a temporary fix but warned me that the house is a powder keg. There are many times during the day (and night) that all I can say is, "Jesus ... please." There is a song that the Open Range band plays at church: Nothing But the Blood of Jesus. Anyway, that has been going through my mind today ~ over and over. I certainly know why we are to learn scripture and fill our minds and hearts with good thoughts ... it helps me through the day. 

I've been scrambling trying to go through a maize of paperwork, keep myself pumped up, and am trying desperately to see the blessings of the pieces of life trickling down around me. I know that Jesus loves me ~ warts, bumps, and all. I know He wants the best for me and for Michael in restoration and wholeness. John 10:10 says that Jesus came to give us abundant life, and part of that abundant life is making sure we are healthy and whole ~ physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. God expects me to do what I am able to do then leave the rest to Him. I am humbled, I am scared, I am moving through my days like a robot put on auto pilot.

For a couple months, I basked in the sunshine of attending our new church, discovering new Christian friends, writing my blog of encouragement, making jams and doggie treats to sell at the Farmer's Market, and tending my gardens. I so enjoyed that time and still remember how I felt hope for the first time in months. Then, the dam broke and I can't tell you what it's been like living in fear and physical and emotional exhaustion. I know some of my Readers can relate to what I am saying.

I am not used to asking for help. I've always been a self-sufficient, problem-solving lady of strength and perseverance. It was tough reaching out. The old tapes of "you aren't worthy" came back and I struggled saying, "I am loved, I am valued, I am worthy." Things don't always turn out the way we hope and the past few days have been an absolute nightmare. I've cried til I can't cry anymore, screamed out in agony, and pushed myself when I wanted to just cave in.

My son had my Bible that I've read through every year. I had given it to him hoping that he would follow in my footsteps. I asked for it back welcoming it's worn and tattered form as I would an old friend. Each day, I read not only scripture but also the notes going back to my 40th birthday. I realized that I needed the comfort my friend had to give me! Readers do you have a favorite Bible?

I have gone through deep disappointment ... I had planned on going to Minnesota to attend my 50th class reunion, gathering with dear friends and family, and doing research on my mother's side of the family. A couple days ago, I thought, "I'm just going to get in the car and go..." Then, came the news of the breaker box, electrical panel, and wiring to the tune of $2,300. I fell to my knees with deep groaning. Ever want something so badly only to have it fall through? That was me. I had planned this trip for the past 5 years counting first the years then months. Funny how, we can plan then have life just get in the way. That was a tough nut to swallow for sure.

Father God in Heaven, I ask you to walk beside me and light my path. Help me to understand when understanding seems out of reach. My heart is broken, my emotions raw, and I am like the cat clinging to the branch and the promise that You are in control. To walk in complete faith in the dark? Well, I'm not going to say it's a piece of cake because it's not. To trust You when everything looks so darn black? That's taking every bit of courage I can muster. Holy One, I know that there are Readers who are facing their own dragons ... I know there are Readers who are cowering in a corner, holding their hands over their heads protecting themselves from the stones of life being tossed to hurt and maim.

Tomorrow, I will get up and take my wares to the Farmer's Market. I will smile and see if there is someone who needs a boost, maybe a free jar of jam, or a "can I take your photo?" I will water my garden and tend to my soul. I will care for Michael and the Fabulous Five. I will find something to take joy in even if it is just for a moment in time. I will use every tool I have to move forward. I will do as I have always done ... the best I can.

Miss Dottie

PS Billy Graham once said, "The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, 'O God, forgive me,' or 'Help me.'" On that note, I am gathering my charges and heading to bed!