Insignificance to others...

August 4, 2012

Happy Birthday to my husband, Michael.  It is my hope and prayer that he will have a good day today.  He has been on a special diet so cake is out of the question ... maybe some sherbet with a candle??

Surprisingly enough, it felt rather cool when I watered this morning.  I like to check my plants for signs of bugs and stress when I give them a drink.  This hot weather has presented quite a challenge.  I try to water deeply every third day which seems to work.  I will be glad when it's cool enough to do some deep cleaning in my beds ... somehow, I just don't feel like crawling around pulling weeds when it's 108 degrees!

My son gifted me, my daughter in law, and granddaughter with tickets to the Ladies Friendship Dinner featuring singer/author Sheila Walsh.  The food was scrum yumptious and Sheila Walsh, amazing.  There were many things she talked about but one thing really hit home ... shame.

Each counselor that I went to from the mid eighties on out told me that I had led a shame based life.  I kinda knew what that meant but Sheila's definition "to appear insignificant to others" really brought the word shame into prospective.  My whole life, I have felt insignificant to others ... I would try as hard as I could to be a good person but most times, I seemed to miss the mark.  Now I know why I felt so down and shattered.  I was broken.

It's so important to be significant ... to be seen ... to be heard ... to be loved.  As a child, each time I was abused, my heart would break and I would scurry into a place of darkness to hide and nurse my wounds.  As a young woman, each time I was battered whether it be emotionally or physically, I would scurry into a place of darkness to hide.  I was insignificant ... I was the kicking post ... the one whose feelings didn't matter.  Was I valued?  No.  To be valued, someone or something must be set apart as precious, cherished...

I wanted to matter to someone ... to my parents, my friends, my husband, my children.  When I was broken, I wanted someone to care -- to hold me -- to wipe my tears.  Instead, many times over those around me took the side of the abuser ... my pain didn't matter.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to get it right.  I was insignificant ... shame on me...  I was discarded as flawed.  I was not worthy of having my needs met ... I was so bad I was not worth being forgiven when others around me were being excused from bad behavior.  I didn't understand and probably never will.

Many years ago, one of my husbands had an affair.  We were invited to a Christmas party at this woman's home and I was told that I had to go.  She was beautiful, her home put together exquisitely and she had so much grace.  Each of these things was pointed out to me as to why my husband was having the affair.  He was brutal in making me the reason for his own indescretions.  I cried quietly on the way home that night, hanging my head in shame.  I was the reason he had the affair ... she was everything I was not.  I looked in the mirror and wondered, "Why am I so unlovable?"

I know there is a God because I could not have survived otherwise with my mind intact.  For many years I led a double life ... the smiling lady who gave to others without expecting anything in return and the lady who only wanted someone to care about her -- to care that she was being ripped apart.

My Lord has always been by my side.  He's blessed me over and over and I've learned that must be enough when shame enters my life.  Because I am a giver and have deep empathy for others, I am easy prey for those whose self-centered ambitions are looking for a patsy.  As an adult, I have the responsibility to set boundaries, say no, and speak up when I am bruised.  It's hard and it always will be ... I know that.  I will always be broken ... I will always have that hole in my heart that trembles when someone lashes out at me ... I will always need my Lord and Savior to lift me up when the road ahead of me is so bumpy ... I will always be aware of how shame affects me.

I looked in the mirror a couple days ago.  I had been taking photos of my granddaughter and I remembered what it was like to be fifteen going on sixteen.  I remembered what it was like being twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty...  The years pass so quickly ... For the first time, I saw myself as old.  My eyes were dull, my step less peppy.  I was tired and worn in every area of my life.  It shocked me!!

At a time when so many seniors are quietly living the dream of retirement, I am still struggling with shame.  Sad, huh?  Maybe there's someone else out there who struggles like I do...  Today, I don't have to cope with the limitation of a child's mind -- I have the tools to overcome obstacles that prevent me from experiencing the truth that my self-worth is found only in the love, acceptance, and forgiveness of Christ.  Is it easy?  Heck, no, it's not.  I live in the age where beauty is everything - plastic surgeons are making a killing and botox is as common as aspirin.  Yet, there comes a time when we all must look into the mirror and say, "I am still worthy."

We all want to be of significance ... maybe, just maybe we need to start by knowing that we are significant to God and to ourselves.  Even if others don't forgive, we must know that in the grand scheme of things, we are forgiveable.  My God sent his only son to die on the cross that I might experience forgiveness of my sins and everlasting life.  I cannot imagine loving a sinner so much that I would send my son, Tommy, to die on a cross.  Do you understand why this is so important to a person who has lived a life of insignificance?  Do you understand why I follow Him?

Christ gives hope for the brokenhearted, but sometimes that hope is the next life, with him in heaven.  My heart has been broken over dreams I may never realize in this life.  BUT, I still have hope and so do you because we worship a loving, compassionate God who is also a God of surprises!!

I pray that you would have a life of significance in Christ Jesus.  Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  My heavenly father doesn't lie and I can take that to the bank!!

Miss Dottie