My son, his fiance and her daughter had moved to Texas from Minnesota. Angie had been looking for a job and I had agreed to take her to Plano to interview at an employment agency. We were driving down Central Expressway singing to a country song that had just been released. The mood was upbeat and she was looking forward to getting acquainted with the agency and the area. All of a sudden there was a break and it was announced that one of the Twin Towers in New York City had been hit by a plane. We looked at each other and sat in silence until we reached our destination. There was chaos going across the radio waves!
When we got to the agency, we joined those there in watching the TV ... the second Twin Tower was hit. What was happening??? The Pentagon??? This couldn't be... I doubt if there was a person in the United States of America who was not watching the TV or listening to the radio for the days and months following this tragedy. Today, I listened to folks that had survived or who had lost loved ones. Each had a distinct story to tell. I was especially touched by the wife of the pilot who flew his plane into the first tower ... what amazing strength she portrayed. For those interviewed, each told a story of horror, survival, then healing.
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster as passed."~~Psalm 57:1
Each of us has our own 911's and we all go through the same chain of emotions ... we are different in how long we walk through our emotions ... some heal and other never heal. For sure, no one ever forgets!!
I have PTSD and have found myself moving through many many emotions and flashbacks this week. I manage my emotions quite well today. I also give myself permission to remember and to celebrate my recovery. I am so very grateful that I have been able to move on with my mind intact and with a positiveness of loving my life each and every day!! I have refused to allow the past to dictate my present and my future!! One thing that I have found is that when a 911 hits, the ability to move forward has depended on my and others looking to the Lord for our strength and survival. Yes, there is evil in this world and life's certainly not fair. Without the evil, we would not celebrate the good ... the darkness gives way to dawn and we all have our rainbows!!
The first 911 that I remembered vividly hit the in the Fall of 1979. A plane hit my own tower and I crumbled. I remember laying on the kitchen floor sobbing and scrubbing... The attack lasted for days and I hid in my home wondering what next bit of "truth" would take another part of me. I couldn't function ... I couldn't stop crying ... I couldn't help but wonder "Why me, Lord?" I wondered what would become of me and my children. I was supposed to be able to just accept this attack and move on. I was paralyzed and my heart hurt so badly I thought it would break open. My body unraveled ... I lost weight and became sick. I looked like a Holocaust victim. When I looked at my attacker, I fell to pieces ... I blamed myself.. I was expected to hold up when all I could do was try to make it through each day. The nights were the worst ... I couldn't sleep ... I kept reliving the attack. It seemed like months before I could even begin to feel somewhat settled but then time and time again, I was reminded how fractured I was.
Looking back, I now realize how much God held me in his arms and loved me through this time. It was He that I turned to when the night was so long and dark ... it was He that I turned to when the days revealed more and more truth ... often times more truth than I could handle. I would have bouts when I was strong and seemingly able to move forward. I wanted to protect my children so I keep my feelings to myself. My mother reminded me that I had it pretty well and that I needed to "get over it." Today, I know that I couldn't just "get over it." I needed time ... I needed healing ... I needed to love myself and allow the Lord to speak to me.
I was so young, so raw, so brutally beaten ... every part of my being had been affected. How long did it take to recover? Five years? Ten years? Thirty years? To be honest, I am still in recovery and will always be. There are times like this week that I am reminded how brutal my own 911 was and I can empathize with those who survived this time of paralyzing terror. Is is possible to survive and move on? Absolutely ... I listened today to the people sharing their stories. Many had moved on in ways that allowed themselves to help others. One man shared his story of staring death in the face and his acceptance of Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. What an amazing story he shared. Strength did an over ride on fear and being able to move forward became a choice. I stood up by the couch this morning and clapped when I listened... These men, women and former children moved me to tears then on to joy!!
It's so important for us to remember our 911's and to talk about them. To keep those brutal events inside means that our minds and hearts can't heal ... just as a scar can cover a festered puss filled wound, so do our memories of attacks. It wasn't until I began allowing my story to "come out" was I able to fully recover. I had tried putting bandages on my wounds only to have the edges of the crust break off enough to allow the seepage to drip. I had been taught to sweep pain under a rug ... I needed to relearn that it was okay to speak then forgive, heal then move on as a new person. Yes, I had to give myself permission to put in new healthy tapes!! For a long time though, it was like peeling an onion ... once I remembered and addressed a 911, another came into view. It's taken a long while to be truly whole.
Sometimes it becomes way too easy to live in the past when we should be moving forward. Yet ... please don't hurry someone if they seem stuck. Be loving, supportive and patient. I need to remember this and be gentle with myself and others when there. For me, I give myself a specified period of time to relive and learn ... then, I celebrate what I have to be thankful for.
I have been so fortunate, my children have joined me on my road to wellness. They've had their own 911's and have been able to share those events and feelings openly with me. I've been able to tell them how I survived and was able to move on without bitterness. Like me, they are survivors and wear the smiles of knowing that God has been with them and has lifted them to new heights.
Yesterday, we attended my little grandsons' baseball games. As I watched them, I wondered how they would react to their own 911's. Zachary is a leader ... he pitches with gusto striving for being better with each pitch. Nicholas has an amazing arm and loves strategizing ... he doesn't miss a thing going on during a game! They are different as day and night yet they know their strengths and move forward. This grandma loves watching them grow into their own personhood! I pray for their strength each and every day!
Tonight the Cowboys are playing the Jets. My daughter is a HUGE Cowboy fan and every time the Cowboys make a touchdown, she does a victory dance around the house ... the dogs bark and the entire house shakes! We head to the phone to call each other ... I call her and listen to the chaos and, if she beats me to the punch, I answer the phone listening to the whistles, cheers and barking. What fun we have! It's times like this that we celebrate the joys of being family.
Yes, Readers, family is for better or worse. We have our 911's and our brokenness ... then, again, we come together in forgiveness, healing, and a time of moving on in love and joy. Together as a family, we are stronger than living in aloneness and shame. Love of God and of each other reigns!!
May your 911's propel you forward remembering the past and looking forward to tomorrow with newness of strength and healing. I pray that you will share your 911's with others allowing them to see into your life knowing that you survived!
Always remember you are loved and prayed for
... YA YOU!!
I loved that you called me during the Cowboys game. How fun it is to celebrate joy with others. Much more fun to share with others than by yourself. I am very grateful that you have continued to hold your joyful, spontaneous, child-like excitement. Eventhough you have been dealt some blows, you amazingly love easily and openly- never change!!
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
Jane