The Self I See

And a top of the morning to you, Readers!!  I couldn't believe it when I woke up to temperatures of 67 degrees.  I grabbed my blanket and curled up on the settee on the back porch greeting the day quite serenely.  I don't know about you but I hate being jolted into a new day.  For so many years, I had deadlines to meet and places to go very early in the morning.  It's nice now to sit back and smell those proverbial roses.  This paragraph makes it sound like I am a couch potato doesn't it?  Quite the contrary, when I get going I really get going and am on a dead run all day!  I have new habits now and I like them.  Fall has arrived, and I love it!!!  You'll hear me say that over and over, I am sure!!

As I was sitting outside, I closed my eyes and thought, "What do I look like and who am I?"  Funny, sitting there I didn't feel any different than I did in my much younger years.  My spirit is young so it's difficult to look in the mirror and see an ever aging body ... my mind and reality aren't matching.  I am wiser now which has given me confidence and a strength I didn't know was possible.  I have been pruned, shaped, and refined each year from birth.  If you've ever grown grapes or roses, you know how painful pruning can be!!  As I have aged, I can see some of my relatives in me ... my Aunt Helen, Aunt Dewey, Mother, Father, Grandmother Maggie...  Funny how genes come in to play in our genetic makeup!

Dottie & Pastor George

Twelve years ago last Saturday, I was baptized in the pool in my back yard.  I rooted through the photo boxes and found the pictures of that afternoon.  What a party that was!!  There were nearly 100 friends there that day to help me celebrate.  It was a "big deal" to me because I had always been afraid of how I appeared to others.  Somehow, that day, I just didn't care ... I knew that I needed to do this to overcome one more hurdle in my life.  I was in a safe place surrounded by the Godly people who had nurtured me and had blessed my life.  Some said I radiated ... others said I looked more serene.  All I know is that something clicked inside me and I truly knew that I had grabbed on to hand of the man who had cared for me all the days of my life.  I had been baptized as a baby and had accepted Christ as my savior so why the adult baptism?  It was an adult decision ... a profession of my faith ... it was my way of saying, "It doesn't matter how defeated I feel ... it doesn't matter how others view me ... it doesn't matter where I am in life ... I am His."  I was branded by the Holy Spirit!!

I get concerned about the young women of today and their focus on outer beauty without concern for inner beauty.  Growing up, I don't remember going through the trials and tribulations of today's teen aged girl.  The pressure just wasn't there ... being in the "in crowd" didn't mean you were the most gorgeous ... it just meant you took on more leadership roles at school.  I fit in just about everywhere and do so to this day.  Being an introverted extrovert has opened doors for me as a leader and as a student of life.  I am "self," made up of many facets.

Michael's cousin Bill Tinsley is a writer and does a weekly blog.  He's written many books and has spoken of his faith to countless others.  I thoroughly enjoy his insight and his poetic way of relating to life.  I find myself reading his blogs and comparing myself to him.  Sometimes, I look down, shuffle my feet in the dirt, and wish I could write like Bill.  Then, something inside me says, "You don't write like Bill because you are not Bill ... you are you and you have your own audience ... your own stories to tell ... you write on a level that appeals to the everyday man and woman ... no fancy words, metaphors, just your heart dripping on to the pages of Miss Dottie's Blog."  That needs to be enough for me ... I just need to be the best writer than "I" can be.

Today, I am going over to the courthouse and getting my dba (actually, I am hoping that I can just use my old dba The Madison Belle Marketing Group).  I find that unless I set specific goals for myself that I can cross off, they just don't get done.  It's tough at 64 because the easy road is to just look backwards and forget about learning, growing, and moving forward.  Those old tapes I have from childhood and early adulthood still appear and I hear, "Play it safe, don't rock the boat, you won't be able to do what you want to do, you're not talented enough to move forward with your dreams."  What a battle goes on in my mind.  Jesus says to take every thought captive and for someone with a fractured past that's REALLY important.

How would I change my life?  I would live in a little cottage by the lake with a wonderful front wrap around porch ... I would have my children and grandchildren over every week to spend time with them, hug them, and tell them stories about the journey of life ... I would dance more and laugh more.  I would throw caution to the wind and greet each day with gusto.  Whatttt?  So what is holding me back?  Lake property has skyrocketed and my investment portfolio has had a big chunk eaten out of it (sell some books) ... some of my dreams don't coincide with what others want (keep bidding) ... Dance (put a tape on and get going) ... Laughter (enjoy the moment) ... Get up and go for "it" even when I don't feel like "it."  Sounds like all things are possible ... no excuses!!  

Did you watch The X Factor last night on TV?  I thoroughly enjoyed it ... I like the idea of not having age limits.  Wow!  What talent we have in this country.  Being a people person, I especially enjoy listening to the backgrounds of the contestants.  How about the guy who was sober and clean for 70 days?  Will be praying for that young man!  And, my goodness, how about the 40+ year old woman with two babies who had be worn down by an abusive partner?  She poured her spirit into her music and wowed an audience and I'll bet quite a few people at home.  The young pre-teen who opened the show was quite a spit-fire ... she wanted a home for her family of 6 who live in a 2 bedroom home...  She was amazing!  Lots of people sharing who they saw themselves as ... winners!!  It will be interesting to watch which one sabotage their success.

It's time for me to get moving ... I have made a pact with myself that I will prepare for the day and be ready for whatever comes!  Way to easy to sit around in my jammies then having to break a leg getting myself in gear when opportunity arises!!

My fibro fog has really been messing up my brain the past couple weeks.  It scares me because I think sometimes that I have on onset on Alzheimers.  My rheumatologist says no but it still bothers me.  So...if I repeat some things that are on my mind, please forgive me.  It keeps me humble and I am lucky that I am able to laugh at myself.

In closing, please bear with me ... close your eyes ... how do you see yourself?  Are you still young and vibrant or are you ragged from the woes of life?  If you get nothing else out of my blog today, please remember this ... you are who you are, a wonderful unique individual put on this earth for a purpose!  Share your life with someone else today, pick up a phone and make that call ... it is in loving others that we begin to truly love ourselves!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."~~Romans 15:13 (ESV)

Sadie says "Hold your head high and look up not down!"

Until tomorrow, my sweet Scottie Sadie and I wish you the best of September 22, 2011.  You are always loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!