A Reader Speaks...

Oh, I just have to do another blog today.  I am so excited!  In my 40 days of 40 minutes of prayer, one of the people I prayed for had good news today.  He's not out of the woods but there is hope!  To my readers out there, I just want to reiterate ... "Don't Quit" (my first blog)!!!!!  God has been so faithful to answer my prayers...there are a few more folks that I am waiting to hear on but I have faith that one way or another everything is going to be fine!  I am the eternal optimist!!  Praise God for answered prayer!

Last week, I had a Facebook message from a reader.  At first, when I read her message, I really didn't connect the dots.  I asked her to tell me more about her story and then, the dots were connected and I understood.  She gave me permission to share her story and I think that it is well worth repeating so thank you Jackie!

Facebook Message I:
"I just have to share something that my niece's 12 year old son said after their beloved dog passed away.  His family was so sad about it, and he said, 'Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.'  He's an actor around the Twin Cities area (yes at 12!), and that is how he lives.  Amazing young man, adopted from Guatemala.  Anyway, I have it on my frig so I can read it every day because it is so uplifting.  I am telling you because it might be something you can use in your blog.  Your stories are uplifting as well, and it seems to fit.  Hope you like it.  His name is Leo, and I was there the day they brought him home.  I knew there was something very special about him even then."

Facebook Message II:
"These words are so inspirational to me.  Can you imagine him helping his parents and sister with them when their 13 year old golden lab died?  Pretty special.  Use them if you want, don't feel obligated at all."

Facebook Message III:
"I have been thinking about the words and why they hit me so hard.  They are just so comforting when bad things happen, like losing your dog or a family member.  Or, feeling sad when summer ends (remember those days?) and being happy because you remember the good days.  Leo thinks of them when one of his shows end.  Most actors who love their shows are very sad when it ends.  I played trumpet for Les Miserables at the high school and one of the actors told me, 'I just want it back.'  I think the words would be so appropriate in that situation.  I lost my very special blind Cocker Spaniel last February, and I think if I had known those words, they would have been comforting to me then.  Celebrate life and events in our life, that is the meaning, I think. (I rambled, sorry!)." 

Yes, Readers, there are no reruns in life.  The time to enjoy a relationship is while you still have it.  The time to enjoy the friendship that a pet offers, it when they are with you.  When life moves on, we can smile and be glad to have had the experience.  I was thinking about the news that I received today regarding my friend's husband ... it is sad that so often it takes tragedy to get people to thinking.  Once something is gone, it's gone ... period.  Time marches on and stops for no one.  The generations are born and die and bones left to dry to dust.  We always think "I'll  do __________ tomorrow."  Yet tomorrow sometimes never comes.  The time to live is in the now.  THIS MINUTE!!!

I look back and smile at some of those moments when life was so sweet and full of joy.  Yes, there have been times when I just didn't want an evening or a vacation to end and when it did there was this bitter sweetness.  My life has been so full of valleys and mountains.  As a small child I learned to block out the valleys and live in the pollyanna world of perpetual beauty.  When reality hit, I learned that I needed to stay in the moment because it was in the moment that I would find wellness and be complete.

When I spent 30 days in the Women's Shelter, I got angry one day and I beat my fists on my bed and screamed ... "You will not take my life from me ... I will rise up from ashes and I will be somebody that will not be beaten down."  Is it easy?  Absolutely not!!  Is it freeing?  Yes!!  I will go to bat for the underdog ... yet, I also know that I must take care of myself.  That is not selfish.  In my journey of life, I have kept journals for years.  It is interesting at best to know where I've come from and make sure I am on track.

It's people like Leo that make the world a better place to live.  It's people like Jackie that are so open and loving to recognize the specialness of a child adopted into the family.  I admire them both.  I've heard Jackie play the trumpet and her music sent chills down my spine.  She is gifted.   Leo, to you, I say ... keep on thinking those positive thoughts and reminding people to remember the good.  No one can take away our precious memory-making moments!  

I will end my blog today with Ecclesiastes 9:4-6

"Anyone who is among the living has hope - even a live dog is better than a live lion.  For the living know they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no further reward, and even the memory of them is forgotten.  Their love, their hate and their jealousy have long since vanished; never again will they have a part in anything that happens under the sun."

Carpe' Diem ... Seize the Day ... YES!!

Family is about revising the past to make a better future...

A fire in the chiminea makes being outside cozy!

Whoa ... what happened to our wonderful 70+ degree weather?  We are under a Winter storm watch and will have cold for a couple weeks.  The cold is different here than in the north country ... when we get cold of below with wind chill bringing temperatures into the single digits, we really get chilled to the bone.  Luckily, our Winter is short and we enjoy a long beautiful Spring.



Home in time for a nap!


Michael had a Steroid Injection this morning in the L5-S1.  We are hoping this will calm the nerves in his leg down.  I have used this pain management doctor for injections for several years.  Dr. Lewis and his nurse, India, were surprised to see me sitting in the chair rather than in the bed!  I am so grateful for the doctors who have provided pain relief for me for the past 7 years.   It's amazing how far pain management and surgical procedures have come during this time.  I am glad my doctors stay on the cutting edge!  In the mid 2000's, arthritis had invaded my feet and bone was rubbing on bone.  My feet were rebuilt in time for me to take part in the walking contest at work.  From May to the end of August I walked over a million steps.  I look at my feet now and praise God for guiding the surgeon's hand.  I was headed for a wheel chair and NOW I WALK wherever I want to go.  Gotta keep that positive attitude!! 


Yesterday, we watched the mini series Pillars of the Earth ... yes, we watched the whole thing.  I had read the book and, as usual, the series was abit different.  Now, I want to go back and reread the book.  As I have said, my mother's family was English so I have a curiosity about my heritage there.  In my searches, I am discovering more about the lives of those who lived before me.  My cousin has been a big help in giving me some background.  The Hall family was definitely a family of adventurers and I would like to think I get my adventurous spirit from them!  They were not a shy bunch for sure although my Great Uncle Ernest and Great Aunt Grace where very educated, well mannered souls.  I have not been able to delve into the lives of the others much but I will get there ... it just takes time.

"Saturday, April 26, 2008

'It's never too late in fiction or in life - to revise.'~~Nancy Thayer

Starting over, what a wonderful concept.  The words sound so encouraging.  Is it really possible to start over?  Yes ... and, no.  We can't erase the past and start with a completely clean slate.  But, if I think about starting over, as beginning anew after some false starts, then I can certainly start over.  I tell myself daily, 'There are so many chances to revise.  I'm going to keep trying til I get it right!'

Zachary played in his second soccer game this morning.  Two goals!  What a little tiger he is!  It brought back memories of Tommy's soccer games.  Tommy and Zachary are alike in so many ways.  The Bumble Bees got beat royally today yet to Zachary the game was awesome and he was a winner.  He had a personal best!  Oh, that we all could be like that.  After the game, I took us all to Chili's to celebrate Zach's victories.  It felt so good to concentrate on the accomplishments of this little man!  Anyone involved in sports knows how important it is to learn and revise.

Revise ... hmmm.  So much of my life has been a revision.  I knew what I wanted in life and couldn't understand why I couldn't get there.  It was in the mid 1990's I found a real passion in working with people.  God kept showing me over and over that my purpose was to love His children as He loved them.  About this same time, I tried to rewrite the past with my eldest daughter supporting her as she weathered some storms in her life.  One more time, it didn't work and to this day, she has chosen to not recognize me as her mother.  I grieve our past and our present.  I pray that one day...  I will never give up hope and I tell other parents to never give up hope.  I am one of God's crew and I'm glad about that."



Today, I feel like a Queen!

Today:


I am drawn to people who are brave enough to tell their stories (we all have them).  Those who are fighters to get out of the cesspool of life and make something of themselves.  I love honesty and openness.  I am comfortable in my own skin and don't apologize anymore for being an imperfect human being.  At one point, I was an embarrassment to my family.  I felt so ashamed and didn't know how to fix it.  My trauma counselor looked me straight in the eye and said, "Do they realize how lucky you are to be of sound mind?  Do they realize what you have gone through in life?"  Somehow that didn't offer me comfort.  Theory is one thing, reality is another. 

One of the goals of my blog was to become transparent and allow others into the corners of my world.  I wanted to let others know that life isn't fair but we still have our own choices to make.  As a gardner I am always revising my garden plots ... I love the process of finding that spot where plants, trees, and flowers can grow and flourish.  I am like that too ... my life has been and is a constant revision; and, as I tweek my life, I am flourishing.  I like that!

Lord Jesus, watch over my readers and their families.  I pray that they will never doubt my love for them ... no matter what!"
  

Family is About Laughter!

Good Morning, Readers!  I had a lot on my mind last night and couldn't manage to relax enough to go to sleep until about 2 am.  I am told that those with Fibromyalgia have sleep issues so I am trying NOT to get my days and nights mixed up.  It's a good thing that I am not working and can be more flexible.  I try to keep a good sense of humor about this whole Fibro thing and most times it works!

It's another gorgeous day here in North Texas.  We haven't had rain in awhile so it looks like I need to reattach the hose and do some watering in the back gardens today.  I once was surrounded by tropical plants on the back porch and I'm afraid that the freezing temperatures took care of my tender plants.  I am tempted to replace them but until April we're always thinking that ice and freezing temperatures could visit once again.  There's an old saying here, "If you don't like the weather, just wait a day or two and it will change!"  How true...snow one day ... high 60's the next!

Today, family is about laughing together and I share my journal from 2008:

"April 25, 2008

'We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.'~~Agnes Reppler

It has been my observation that many abusive people have no sense of humor - particularly about themselves.  They take themselves far too seriously to laugh at their own mistakes or inadequacies.  Instead defensiveness rears it's ugly head followed by anger or passive behaviors.

How wonderful it is to be able to laugh together with someone - to share the pleasure and healing power of laughter - to almost fall down from laughing so hard - to cry tears of laughter together.

My grandson, Zachary, was in the hospital last week.  I had the privilege of sitting with him last Friday to give mom and dad a break.  He was frustrated with the tubes stuck in his nose, green gunk spilling from his eyes, and a cough that wracked his little body with painful spasms.  I decided to use some of my new learning about children on him.  Children have a hard time expressing feelings so they whine, get angry, etc.  I told Zachary that it was okay to be frustrated and angry.  I told him to say, 'Crap get out of my body - absolutely!'  First we said it together then he began to yell the words.  He fell back on his pillow laughing and together we laughed til our sides hurt.  From that point, oxygen tank in tow, we made a couple trips to the isolated playroom and built some pretty neat structures with Legos.  Funny how wonderful our afternoon became once we laughed together.  Oh how I love that boy!

Many times I wonder why it is that at 60 I am wiser at parenting than I was at 20 or 30.  Augh ... the mistakes I made.  They haunt me so often.  Abuse takes it's toll on the whole family.

There are questions that went unanswered for years and caused me great sorrow.  Why was I drawn to my first husband and why did I ever marry him?  His family loved me and for their many years of love I am grateful - Leila, Joe, Liz, Sue ... thank you!  As for him, I don't believe he loved me at any time of our relationship.  His alcoholism created a monster that spewed words of hatred.  He murdered my spirit and crushed my soul.  I have chosen to forgive him and I have also chosen not to forget.  Now I am at peace with my memories.  Jane told me not long ago that she was glad I married her father or she wouldn't be here.  How true!  And, oh how I love my children - Jill, Jane, Tommy.  I remember their first breaths (well, not Tommy's because I was out!), their first words, and their first steps and yes, the first time they laughed.  Each is special in who they were created to be.  My children and I laughed ALOT!

Last Labor Day weekend, I was in Michigan with my daughter and her family.  It felt so good to laugh and spend time with them.  I would go to sleep with a smile on my face and wake to Madison's and Katrina's smiles.  I took lots of photos and every time I look at them I giggle.  Katrina would put her hand in mine and say, ' Now, Grandmama, your hand isn't lonely.'  Walks with Madison and Cricket, shopping excursions, dinners on the deck, marshmallow roasts ... good times fraught with joy and laughter!  Right now I can shut my eyes and be filled with the memories of precious moments filled with giggles.

Carpe' Diem ... Seize the Day!"

Laughter is good for the soul ... when I was in bed from a major back surgery in 2004, I used to watch comedies on TV.  It made the time pass and helped me think positively.  There are so many depressed people in our country ... why not ... times are tough and the average family is struggling to make ends meet.  We've put more emphasis on the material and less on the family core.  What did my mother's family and my father's family do during the depression?  They formed family bands!  They played cards.  They went to barn dances...  They were FAMILY!!  Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Friends ... FAMILY!!  No matter what, they had each other and they had the Lord!  I look at old photos and think, "Oh my goodness ... what poses!"

News ... for those of you who have followed the restoration of the little casa, the kitchen cabinets are going in next Tuesday and Wednesday.  God truly has had a sense of humor with this project and we have learned to have patience and trust that His timing is perfect!  With all the water damage repairs going on we have not been there since Christmas.  That's too long!

Have a wonderful day ... always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!



Having a special granddaughter like Madison makes me smile!



Freedom to Choose Our Own Path

Woo Wee!  The sun is a shining and this woman has been out with her clippers giving her shrubs a haircut!  I found some clippers at Home Depot that were endorsed by the Arthritis Foundation and, yes, they work!  It is so wonderful to drink in the warmth after the start of a cool chilly day.

As I was outside, I was thinking about character once again ... probably because it is so important to our lives.  It  is true, the fastest way to reveal the true character of a person is to give him freedom  to choose his own path.  For those of you who watch American Idol, contestant, Chris Medina, is a perfect example.  Two months before he was to be married, his fiance was involved in a car accident leaving her brain damaged and in a wheelchair.  Chris took his vows to her seriously and is caring for her.  Chris didn't run, he stepped up to the plate.  As it says in my Daily Walk Devotional Bible ... "circumstances never create character; they merely reveal."  Amen to that!  How do you react under stress?


"All of you who are on the Lord's side...!"~~Exodus 32:26  This is a ringing call to commitment that you find frequently in the Bible.  Whose side are you on?  I have been reading about Moses and the Israelites wandering around in the desert.  How easy it was for the Israelites to grumble and complain with God in their very presence.  Go figure... Moses relatives from the tribe of Levi stood firm against public opinion, refusing to worship the golden calf which was approved by Moses's brother Aaron.  When Moses confronted Aaron, he blamed and waffled around ... but, as for the tribe of the Levites they stood their ground on the side of the Lord.  It takes good character and strength to go against strong public opinion! 



The one thing that I can say about my father and mother is that if they shook hands and gave their word, they kept that promise.  My father and mother were deeply in love and were truly a couple who guarded their vows ... for better or worse, til death do us part.  Yes, they were human and as human beings, they made mistakes yet the two of them had this unspoken bond.  When my mother was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, my father took over her chores and helped her with her exercises.  When he died rather suddenly at age 55 of cancer, my mother was lost.  She spent many years grieving the loss of her mate and her friend.  Where one went, the other was not far behind.  My mother knew that her beau was waiting for her in Heaven.


Despite the verbal attacks, I learned good character from my parents.  I'm not sure they even knew that their words injured me yet maybe my mother did.  In her last months of life, she lived with me and my two children.  Looking back, there were cries for help that I didn't recognize at the time.  She was so thin and frail.  She said once to my daughter, "Do you want to see my pearls?"  Her pearls were the bones on her back.  Fashionable in the 30's??  Every now and then, she would look at me with tears in her eyes but never say anything.  When I would ask her what was wrong.  She would simply say, "I am thinking of long ago."  I wish she would have told me her story other than little bits and pieces ... today, the words she spit at me are a thing of the past and I have become more compassionate because of her.  Thank you, Mom!  When adversity hits you, instead of being angry and sitting on the pity pot, think about how you can learn from it and be different.  Isn't that what life is all about?

I sought solace in the arms of a living God and He took me in.  He's directed my paths and even when I have rebelled, He has wooed me back ... not by using force but by appealing to my heart.  I gave up my wretched life and came to Him of my own free will.  Year by year, my own character has evolved.  I love reading about people who have overcome adversity and used it to pole vault to good character and strength.  It's kind of like putting together the most beautiful woman ... take Angelina's lips ... Elizabeth's eyes ... and on and on til you get one gorgeous lady.  I look more at the inside and want to be a warrior ... a fierce yet fair warrior!  I want to stand up for what is right and not be afraid of the dark.  When I graduated from high school, we sang this song ... I remember it like it was yesterday!  Enjoy!!

God removed me from the place where I grew up and exposed me to others who helped me grow on the path of life.  Each stop in the road ... Yuma, Richfield, Houston, Plano, San Antonio, Lakeville, Plano, Frisco, McKinney ... has brought new friends, new challenges and new life.  For those who encouraged me, I am ever so grateful.  However, my life started with "home" and it will end with my ashes being scatted over my parents graves.  I will have come full circle!

It is with joy and hope that I write my blog.  Life is such a winding road and it's so lonely to walk on all by yourself.  Look up to the heavens and you won't be alone ... look around you and you will find others just like you who are struggling and growing.  Reach out, take a hand and smile...

Take care my readers and always know you are loved and prayed for...YA YOU!

    



Character ... Pass it On!

January 25, 2011

What happened to our sunshine?  Oh my goodness, it is chilly and cloudy here today.  Oh well, I will get to wear my Bearpaw boots today!!  Coats and heavy boots are somewhat unnecessary here in the Winter ... can do without a coat but LOVE my boots!  They are similar to Uggs and very cozy.  I walked outside to check on the fountain this morning and stood for a moment gazing at the water trickling.  How soothing!  I am set to start my day.


I prayed over what study to do next along with my DWBible reading and decided on Joel Osteen's IT'S YOUR TIME.  The book has a journal which will help me stay on track.  I listen to his sermons on TV and hopefully one day I can visit his church in Houston, TX.  I enjoy his positiveness and his contagious smile!!

"April 24, 2008, Thursday:

'Character builds slowly but it can be torn down with incredible swiftness.'~~Faith Baldwin

Someone who humiliates, criticizes, or makes fun of you in front of others, discounts your achievements, constantly blows up your past failures, or tells lies about you  - all in an attempt to discredit you in the eyes of others, is guilty of character assassination.  My character has been the foundation upon which I have built my reputation and the sense of who I am.  So many times, others have tried to destroy my personal reputation.  What pain ... what sorrow ... helplessness ...  Yet, I have found that walking with my head held high and just being a woman of truthfulness and good character have won out leaving my assassins with egg on their faces.  God knows the truth!! 

Often times, I have had this vision of a hamster running on a wheel.  The hamster is me - no matter how hard I try I cannot get the approval of my abusers.  Have I tried simply because of that?  At first, yes, for many years.  Then I realized that through pain and suffering my character was being built.  Over the years, I became a woman of love, kindness, and grace and got off the hamster wheel for good.  What a relief!

As a child, I lived in an environment of achievement then praise.  I was loved not because of who I was ... love was performance based.  I survived by creating a fantasy world sprinkled with bouts of tears of anger.  I am still haunted by a vision of seeing me running in the dark crying ... it is summer and the night is very dark.  I run until I am exhausted and collapse on the ground.  I don't know why I am running.  My fantasy world worked well for me until I was in 7th, maybe 8th, grade.  The words of my father wounded my spirit.  At a time when a young girl needs affirmation, I received angry bouts of tirades telling me I wasn't good enough.  I was invited to a party given by Robert H. ... a boy-girl party and my parents wanted me to go to visit my farm grandmother, Belle.  My father looked at me and said, 'Who do you think you are being invited to a party with the big muckatie mucks?'  I doubted myself and didn't go.  He was right...  Was he?

I have always enjoyed people of all ethnic groups and social ranks.  I have always been picked to lead.  I had a best friend in high school as well as a group of girls that I still keep in touch with.  Our friendships were so close and we laughed our way through our teenage years.  They were God's gift to me and I was and am so very grateful.  Yet, the words of my parents, who were supposed to love me the most haunted me.  The world saw me as smart, pretty, fun, talented, an achiever, independent, someone to be relied upon.  My abusers saw me as too loud, too talkative, too outgoing, too friendly and on and on.  There lay the foundation for my life.  Sadly, I believed the lied yet on the flip side, God grew my character and I chose to walk on His path.

Today, I am fighting with all I have.  Age seems to be against me but I pray that I can, with God's help, know a life of peace and serenity.  It is possible, I just know it ... I can taste it!

I am outside - rocking - looking upon the garden.  It rained last night and everything looks so revitalized and beautiful.  I enjoy the beauty of God's creation and am grateful for my sight.

God forgive me for the times I have torn those down around me out of frustration.  As the years have passed, I have changed yet I know my own words have wounded.  I am so sorry.  I have asked for forgiveness and been forgiven by some alienated by others.  I know that I can never recapture the venom of anger.  All I can do is move forward learning and growing.  Oh, it's such a slow process.

I am still at home.  I couldn't make myself go to work today.  My body is very weak.

I want to be a writer.  Direct my path, dear God and grant me creativeness.  Open the pathways of thought and guide my hands as I put my thoughts down in written form.  I have been gifted as a listener.  Now it's time to put hind's feet into action by taking pen in hand!  Go God!  Use me my Father to embrace my fellow travelers.  Amen!

It's time for lunch.  I'll be back ... I want this book to serve the purpose of my written legacy.  I want my children to know me - to know what roads I've traveled - what I believe - what I've learned - what I stand for.  Woo Hoo!"

January 25, 2011 ... Character ... pass it on.  Have you seen those ads on TV?  Your character is so important ... "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."  Galatians 5:22  A man's word used to be his bond ... how about today, is your word filled with truth and love?  I hold out my hand to you to follow me in my journey ... you will find a lost soul who was redeemed.  You will find a human crusted with the dirtiness of life yet washed clean with honesty and the love of a God filled with grace.

Always remember that I pray for my readers with love and compassion.  YA YOU ... have a blessed day.  Today may be all we have ... use the time wisely!

 

There's Always A Beginning!

Wow !  What a beautiful day we've had in North Texas!  I couldn't believe it when the sun woke me up this morning.  I ran barefoot into the backyard and sure enough it was warm enough to do my Bible study outside by the chiminea.  It's been so long since, I just sat outside for any length of time and I drank in every moment!!

Since I finished my 40 days of a covenant time with the Lord, I felt sort of lost this morning.  I decided to pull a journal and do a little reading.  I have journaled for years and it is always nice to go back to see how far I've traveled in a particular time span.  The journal I pulled was first dated April 22, 2008 ... it was a time when I was thinking about how to leave a legacy for my children so that they would really know me inside and out.  To do so would mean allowing someone other than a counselor inside my world ... my world would then become real.  It took a long time before my journaling would take blog form.  There's always a beginning...

"Getting Started...

Whatever you can do

or dream you can,

begin it.

Boldness has genius

power and magic in it.

Begin it now!

~~Goethe

I've been waiting and waiting to begin writing in this book.  Why?  For the perfect time, of course.  Truth is, there is no perfect time so better today than tomorrow.

One of my most favorite songs in The Anchor Holds by Ray Boltz.  Yes, my sails may be battered and torn but my anchor (my faith in Jesus) has held.  No matter what.  This is my core ... my heart ... Life is quite a journey and the journey (events and years) goes by so quickly.  Listen to the song ... it is me ... it is my life ...

My haven has become my back porch.  It is restful and lovely ... my wooden indian, Wimowee; radio; plants; wicker furniture; and, a view of the back yard - each tree, shrub and flower planted with my own hands.  It is beautiful if I don't say so myself!  The sound of the fountain is forever soothing ... it is my own little Eden.  It is here that I will write.




From Victim to Victor:

'I am not afraid of storms for I am learning to said my own ship'~~Louisa May Alcott

Some time ago now, I did some childhood trauma work with an experienced trauma counselor.  It was through my work with her that I began to face my abusers (at that time, I didn't know much about the blank spaces in my life and how those blank spaces affected my unconscious behavior).  I will probably never know the first ... all I know is that the abuse began before I could talk much.  It took me so long to get to the point of even admitting that my childhood was less than ideal.  I was a wonderful, precocious, little girl!  I was happy, an adventurer, smart ... sensitive.  There was another child though ... one who hurt and was angry.  I don't know the source of my anger but if I look back at my abusers I can probably guess fairly accurately.  From them I learned that I deserved punishment ... I was bad ... I wasn't seen or heard.  The stronger child in me struggled saying, 'No, I am not bad!'  My mother was more concerned about what others would think than keep me safe.  She was not alone, in talking with others, it was and is not uncommon for people to be embarrased and afraid of the repercussions of protecting their children.

I had to get angry at my abusers, mourn the losses of my childhood, then forgive and move on.  Today, I can, with all honesty say, I love my mother and father and can let the past go.  I am able to see how God loved me and nourished me.  I was one of the fortunate ones.  He knew what I would endure over the coming years and He equipped me.  I will be forever grateful for my provision and protection!

I was one of the chosen ... I accepted and grabbed on to the hand of the Holy Spirit.  I was victorious from day one.  I just had to fully grasp what God had done for me.  As Christians, we know, in theory, at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, His own lovely character.  I struggled with that statement in counseling for quite some time before I could understand the underlying meaning.  My weaknesses have become my strengths and my heart's desire has changed.  Oh that my life would glorify my Savior and that I would be the voice of hope!

 I am reading the book, HIND'S FEET IN HIGH PLACES, by Hannah Hurnard.  Oh how I can relate to Much Afraid.  Fear is such a stop sign.  Have I had love planted in my heart?  Like Much Afraid, I think that I have had a great longing to experience the joy of natural, human love and to learn to love one person who will love me in return. 

It is as I write that I ask my Lord to place love in my heart.  I know that love and pain go together.  Wait a minute ... I think the seed of love was planted in my heart the evening of my baptism, September 17, 1999.  What a joyful time that was!  I got baptized in the pool in the backyard of the home I shared with my now ex-husband.  Pastor G baptized me and close to 100 friends watched and cheered.  I had been afraid - now I wonder why but I heard the voice of the spirit telling me to (1) meet with Pastor G; (2) be baptized; and, that I would find my answers in John 21.  I was being equipped for ministry.  Oh how I miss those days spent at Grace and my ministry there teaching The Power of a Praying Wife.  It seems so long ago now...

Later...The sound of the air conditioning and the ticking of the clock keep me company as I write.  I'm so glad that I started writing in this book.  It is freeing.  The clock strikes ten and I am not sleepy.  I've been sick since Saturday ... sores in my nose, mouth, throat ... upper respiratory infection ... ugly cough.  Saw Dr. K today ... gave me an antibiotic.  No raging fever tonight.  Praise God!  Should be able to go back to work Thursday.  So much for a May vacation.

I'm going to head off to bed.  I pray that I will have a restful sleep.  Speak to me, my Lord and guide my mind that I would sing with the angels.  I do have one more request ... guide my hands as I write for this book will contain my legacy in written form."

That was nearly three years ago.  Time passes by so quickly ...  I have realized that it takes time to let go of the self and move towards the light.  It was the beginning ... Now, I revel in knowing that I have been able to become known inside and out.  I am able to celebrate my life in a way that I once dreamed of.

My sweet puppy, Toby, is following me from room to room ... inside and outside today.  He is so much company on days when I am at home and not in contact with the outside world.  I am blessed!

It's time to say goodnight ... I wish blessings on all my readers ... may your beginnings have meaning and may your journey be filled with the joys of a life lived with gusto!!

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

One Grandson's Joy

Good... Morning, Readers!  This truly is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it!  Since Michael is still under the weather and healing from his surgery, I listened to two sermons on TV ...one given by Joel Osteen and the other by a Dr. Frederick Price in Los Angeles.  They were so different but both well worth watching.  Funny how God seems to meet us in our need and what applies to our lives.  Ever went to church and thought, "He was speaking to me ... how did he know?"  That's the sign that we are listening "to the self" and not to change another person.  Go God!!

Yesterday, Michael and I had the privilege of watching over our youngest grandson, Nicholas while Mom and Dad went to a church meeting.  It was a day filled with spending time with him and allowing him to speak to us.  Nicholas has always been the shy grandchild ... the one less trusting ... the one that is the watcher ...  We had a wonderful visit from start to finish and he went home one tired little boy.  I have found that it is always best to allow our grandchildren to speak to us and to get to know them in their own world.  Nicholas is about JOY!!

We began our day with a trip to the Cotton Patch where we had a delicious dinner.  Nicholas got to pick his food ... french fries and mac & cheese may not be my idea of a wholesome meal but he also added a fruit cup and milk so we went along with his wishes.  We took photos and he posed and giggled as we loved sharing his world.  Like all little boys, he had to hide under the table and make faces ... we were thoroughly entertained.  Nicholas is about JOY!

Our next stop was Target where Nicholas helped me find groceries and medicines for Grandpa.  He was patient as he rode the front of the cart but then, in a quiet voice, he said, "Grandma, is it time to find the toys?"  His sly grin got the best of me and we headed to the toys ... thank goodness the aisles were empty as we zoomed toward the toys, Nicholas laughing and Grandma huffing and puffing as we sped towards the Promised Land of Toys.  Oh goodness, how could there be so many toys.  Nicholas looked up at me and said, "Grandma, what can I pick out?"  I looked at him and with a wink of the eye said, "You may pick out two toys with Grandma having the final say depending on cost."  Off he went ... he was a man on a mission and knew exactly where he was going ... the Star Wars aisle!  It took him all of 5 minutes to make his selections and we were off to the check out line.  Even there, I learned more about my Grandson and what his world is about.  Nicholas is a child of JOY!

We had picked up a Star Wars movie as well and as we headed home, he was jabbering about his toys and what he was going to do once we got home.  Good grief, those toys are so wired in ... Nicholas waited patiently (?) and smiled with each snip of a wire knowing that the release of the toy meant he was in his element.  He quickly set up his treasures and his little mind began to churn.  I laid down on the floor beside him and listened.  Sometimes, you get to know a child just by observing...  Nicholas is about JOY!!

Mom and Dad arrived close to 8:30pm, and Nicholas's little eyes were beginning to get a bit heavy.  He was trying so hard to stay awake to hear the rest of the movie, his arms wrapped around his new found toys.  We visited awhile to hear about Mom and Dad's meeting.  What an end to a beautiful few hours.  I am looking forward to another time of soloing with my special little grandson.  He's an amazing little fellow with a huge heart.  Nicholas is about JOY!

I have learned that children truly are a gift from God.  Childhood passes so quickly and it is in those years that their thoughts and character are developed.  I thought about a poem that I have read over and over in the past years and wanted to pass it on...

Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 - 2005)

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

As parents and grandparents it is our job to make sure our children are secure in who they are and what they are about.  I have been blessed with wonderful children and grandchildren and my cup overflows when I think about them or talk about them.  Time goes by so quickly ... it seems like yesterday that I was a small child seeking my own person.  Children do not come with instructions so we struggle as we raise them and love them.  All we can do is the best we can with the knowledge we have ... I have found that God will redeem any efforts that fail and use our efforts in a good way.

Today is a day of rest ... I completed my 40 days of 40 minutes of prayer.  Yea!  I have learned to do what is right one day at a time and leave the rest to God.  I also have been more aware of my speech .... is what I am saying true?  Kind?  Necessary?  Hmmmm, something to continually think about.

May the Lord bless and keep you safe this day.  I've declared this day "Hug a Grandchild" day!  Grandparents are necessary and oh so important in the lives of our little ones.  Don't have a grandchild ... find a little one that could use a little love and attention.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. "~~Psalm 127:3-5

I am grateful for Nicholas - Child of Joy

 

Legacy - A Journey

Good Afternoon!  It's been a busy couple days with Michael going through his second surgery in two weeks.  He had herniated a second disk and bone fragments were pushing on the nerve.  He is taking better care of himself this go around and sticking to doctor's orders.

Whee...it got cold here last night.  I was so happy to cuddle in, watch American Idol and catch up with daughter, Jane.  I love history and people and combine the two in my search to understand my family heritage.  I know that what happened so long ago probably affects my todays and my proverbial curiosity always drives me on.  The Internet has proved to be such a  blessing in my searches.

Today, I read about Moses and his journey to Mount Sinai.  The people of Israel had been released from bondage and yet they complained.  Their grumbling increased even after seeing God's miracles.  Go figure...  I always put what I read in context of my own life.  When God has been so faithful to care for me am I still a grumbler?  As I have kept my covenant to spent 40 days of 40 minutes of prayer, I have been so awakened to how God has used me and protected me.  I am grateful!

Often times, God uses adversity to strengthen and teach us.  Some people break down and go to pieces and others to overcome and move beyond.  I am grateful for my past because it has made me so aware of God's grace.  He made me stubborn that I might persevere; he made me soft that I might show mercy; He made me intelligent that I might think beyond; He made me "me" and I like who I am.  From the time I was quite small, this was one of my most favorite poems ... I have taken the road less traveled, and, yes, it HAS made all the difference!

The Road Not Taken
Poet: Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Only when I reached the Winter of my life did I fully understand my past, the journey, and my legacy.  Everyone has days that you get out of bed and think, "it's going to be a great day."  Then, life gets in the way and your day is complete chaos.  How do you react?  Anger?  Sadness?  With good humor?  I find that how I react determines how long my challenges last!

My life has been quite a journey of ups and downs.  I revel in the good times and learn from the bad.  I am filled with awe and wonder as I have witnessed my children grow to adulthood.  Now,  I am a grandmother interacting with and loving my grandchildren.  We are all different and we are FAMILY.  The journey of life is to be savored one day at a time ... To seek truth in my own family may seem to some to be disrespectful.  I had to recognize the truth before I could love ... not only myself but my family ... for better or worse.  I can't wait to get to Heaven to hug my mom and dad and hug them saying, "I understand and I love you."

When I accepted Jesus as Lord of my life, the Holy Spirit taught me truth and gave me beneficial inspiration for my own life.  I would pray and all of a sudden, He would put a scripture in my mind that would answer my pleadings.  In times of crises, when all things seemed so impossible, I would hear (and still do) "Be still and know that I am God;..."~~Psalm 46:10

With understanding and healing comes better choices and wisdom.  To my granddaughter who is starting to date, God says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."~~Proverbs 4:23  Look for a man's character and belief in the Lord ... knowing will determine how your relationship shall go whether you are 14 or 64.  I know that to be true.

I am thoroughly enjoying my new perch where I write and do research.  I can look out the window into the back porch and smile.  I love sitting outside and must be content for a while to stay inside.  That's okay as well.

For those of you following the progress of the little casa:  the inside of the house has resumed it's state before the flood and YEA(!) the kitchen cabinets have been delivered and are sitting in the dining room.  The original wood floors came through the storm and are gleaming again.  The cabinet installer should be finished by the first of next week.  We just need to make sure the granite going in is the Santa Cecelia Light ... Lupe and his worker bees will install the appliances, the wallpaper hanger will do her thing and we will be set.  I've sure missed going to our little get a way and being able to visit with Mom S.  Hopefully, we can go check on things next week.

Like the Israelites wandering around in the desert, life is a journey which culminates in a legacy to be passed from generation to generation.  I am grateful for my family, every single one of them for without their influences, I wouldn't be who I am.

Last night, I found some photos on the Internet of some old photos (1901) of my mother's family.  I remember the house!  I remember the grove of trees!  I was so overjoyed!  My great grandfather and great grandmother are on the far left.  My grandfather is between them.  I've never seen a photo of my grandfather and wish it were clearer but at least I have something!

For you, my friends, I pray that you will have a wonderful day and evening.  Cuddle up with someone special and stay warm.  God's richest blessings are sent your way!

  

Generational Curses

Good Afternoon, Readers!  It is so nice to see the sun once again in North Texas.  Looks like we're in for another cold spell tomorrow so I've enjoyed my time outside today!  Pull up a chair and join me as we talk about family and generational curses.  It's a subject not talked about often but let's give it a go!

A couple nights ago, I stayed up all night to watch the mini series, the Tudors.  My mother's side of the family goes way back to England and having been to London, my curiosity got the best of me.  You can see (in the photo) a letter written in red ink (circa 1950's) to my Aunt Laura from her cousin, Mary Esther then passed on to my mother.  There has been a lot of work done tracing our ancestry.  It is much easier now with the Internet so I appreciate the hard work done by so many before me.

In the letter, it was stated that my mother's side of the family was heir to the following:  King Louis IV; Julia (sister of Julius Caesar); Mark Anthony; King Cole of Northern Britain; Charlemagne; Alfred the Great; King Edward III of England; Edward IV of France (last Holy Roman Emperor); Geoffrey (father of Henry II)...  The list is impressive but who were these people and what were their lives like?  Esther concludes her letter with the following statement:  "My mother says your Aunt Grace frequently mentioned 'your heritage' and your brother wondered what it was ...the other day I told mother that it no doubt was John Billington who came on the Mayflower ... because he shot his neighbor ... and was the first man to be hanged on American soil."  I looked up the name John Billington on the Internet and sure enough, the story was true!

My mother's ancestors came to America when our land was first being settled.  I did some reading about England at that time and there was so much turmoil ... men were bound to one another by treaties and punishment cruel and inhumane.  It was a time when Martin Luther was making noises in Germany and people were being burned at the stake for their beliefs.  I think that I would have sought solace somewhere else if I lived in that time!

My great grandfather taught the indians how to farm in central Minnesota.  My Great Aunt Grace was an accomplished writer.  My family served in the Revolutionary War and the Civil War ... they were a scrappy sort and loved a good fight!  Yet, there are a few people that my mother talked about as being soft and gentle souls.  I have read Aunt Grace's book, THE WADSWORTH TRAIL, which holds so much history about the family.  The stories told make me proud to be a descendant of these trailblazers.

The family I remember is my mother's immediate family and two of her uncles (Ern and Blanche).  They were people that I spent a good deal of time with ... my cousins were all such fun and we shared years of good times!  My mother spoke of her childhood as one fraught with anger ... she was the scapegoat and took the brunt of many a cruel outburst whether it was from her father or her brothers.  My grandmother Belle was so aloof, it was hard for me to tell what she was about.  My mother loved her mother, yet, they really weren't like mother and daughter - my mother said that her mother never protected her from the cruelty inflicted upon her.  Hmmmm...for those of you who have read my blogs from last year will notice something familiar!  I never remember my grandmother ever holding me or talking to me except for "come to eat" ... she lived on a farm, always wore a bonnet and an apron and high black tennis shoes when she tended her chickens.  The male adults in the household swore like sailors and were crude...in their youth, they were robust, adventurous and handsome.  One of my uncle's was demeaning and downright cruel.  Another uncle, was strange in a way that the family knew about but it was never addressed.  I just knew to stay away from him because he did bad things if you sat on his lap.  Rather than risking the wrath of certain family members, it was just best to keep quiet...  Maybe this is the way generational curses travel ... because no one says anything, the sins of the fathers (and/or mothers) move on.  Oh, you can say, "I'll never do that, my life will be different."  But then, all of a sudden you are becoming exactly the way you said you wouldn't.  Ever said to yourself, "Oh my God, I am becoming my mother (or father)!"?  Funny how that happens.

Have you ever looked at your family tree and seen a common thread of incest; sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse; adultery; alcoholism; a certain kind of illness; down and out failure...?  Those are generational curses and are to be dealt with if they are to be stopped.  You see, whatever we sow, we reap.  We must speak death to the crops of sin and life to the crops sown with love.  In my journey of life, I have attended several conferences on generational curses and to move beyond them is not for the faint of heart but for the lionhearted.  Does it mean you stop loving your family and the families before them?  Absolutely not!  God tells us we must hate the sin and love the sinner.  It is a battle to embrace the truth.  I have found that I have needed to make an aggressive and constant effort to take every action and thought captive ... to dissect them, decide whether or not to keep them then move on.  Consciously, I have taken the best from my parents and their families to make a new "me."

I received notes from both of my children in the past couple days and my tears were that of joy.  In so many ways, the three of us have grown up together.  We've stumbled and fallen and then gotten up over and over.  We've kept on moving forward even when life was unfair and painful.  We've made horrible mistakes and grown from them.  They understand completely what our generational curses have been and are and have been willing to go to battle for what is right.  We are not straight-laced prudes ... we are joyful, happy individuals loving each other through thick and thin.  We've learned to be transparent with one another and know that there is a love that will never go away no matter what.  In turn, my grandchildren are all smart, fighters for the common good, and gentle of spirit.  They all know ... we are FAMILY!!

"Hear O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord be my help.  You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."~~Psalm 30:10-12

It's time to say goodnight and wish you blessings of one heart to another.  I am on day 36 of my 40 days of prayer.  When I think that I'm done growing for awhile, I realize that I just got new wind under my sails and am off on another adventure of learning.

Always remember that you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!  Funny, in a stroke of a moment I felt my Grandmother Maggie, laugh and say, "Ya, you betcha!"  Nite all!  Here's your bedtime lullaby!

When God Takes A Friend Home

"Did Grandpa go to Heaven by car or by plane?"

"Neither," we answered.

"The angels came down and got him."

     Ashlyn, age 4



Ralph A. 1943-2011

 This morning, I was sitting outside on the back porch doing my 40 days of prayer and I thought about my friend, Ralph, and the memorial service set for 2pm.  It would have been so easy to stay home and make excuses about why I couldn't attend.  Somehow, I just knew it was important that I go to pay homage to this man I so admired.  For some reason, I was frightened to go ... maybe it was because I hadn't seen Ralph in some years or maybe it was because attending made me realize how quickly life goes by and how fragile we all are never knowing when our moment will come that we leave this earth and go to our heavenly home.  At any rate, I knew the right thing to do was to get up and go!

In 1996, I was invited to visit a church that was just getting off the ground and ended up staying as a member for a very long while.  While I was there, I met many wonderful people and deep friendships were formed.  Ralph, and his wife, Tammy, were two of those friends and it is to Ralph that this blog is dedicated.

In the fertile ground of Grace Community Church, Ralph found the Lord and a new way of life.  He had a hunger for learning and growing in his newly found faith and his life changed dramatically.  Ralph had a sparkle in his eye and a smile that was contagious.  His wife and children were blessed by a man who took his position as spiritual head of the home seriously and his legacy is filled with a life changed by the grace of God.  As a man, husband, father, grandfather and friend, Ralph was a hero ... someone to be looked up to.  Men went to him for wise counsel and were never sent away hungry.  Ralph took time ...   

Ralph had been ill for many years and gradually his body just gave out.  He was on oxygen 24/7 and knew his days were numbered.  Did Ralph give up?  Not on your life ...   He attended his Men's Bible Study faithfully, traveled the world and lived life to the fullest making the most of every moment.  The week before Ralph died, he and his wife took a trip to Branson.  It was a time to be forever cherished and remembered as sweethearts lost in the realm of love and commitment.

As I entered the church, I was met by several close friends and we were like young girls babbling on and on.  My fears quieted and I knew I was in the right place.  Familiar faces ... stories of a time gone by ... hugs ... smiles ... tears of sorrow and of joy ... Oh but for a moment, I wished I could go back and relive that time of my life when there was so much peace and joy.  I was part of a family that raised holy hands in worship and came close as a brother or sister when times were tough.  It is with this group of people that I celebrated my baptism.  What a party and, yes, Ralph was there cheering me on!

Friendships are so precious and never ever really go away.  It's so easy though to think ... I will see them tomorrow or next week or next year.  The regrets come when all of a sudden there are no more tomorrows and our loved ones are just ... gone.  I have been in contact with childhood friends, family and other people who have been instrumental in my life.  I cherish the conversations whether in email, letter, phone or the new communication tool, Facebook.

Once more I faced my mortality today and it stung ... It made me stop and think about what other's would say about me and the legacy I would leave.  Would my children and grandchildren carry on the baton of faith in the Lord I have come to know as my heavenly father?  My blog has been a way of facing my demons and celebrating the goodness of my life.  To be visible and known has been humbling ... yet, I want people to know that life cannot be lived perfectly and there is a rainbow at the end of the storm.

It is night and tears fill my eyes remembering the wonderful testimony my friend's life was to the common man.  He knew what it was like to live without God and he knew the joy that came from accepting the Lord as his Savior and Lord of his life.  God says it best...

"...Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."~~Psalm 30:5

I pray that all of you will have a night of peaceful rest.  We all have those that we need to embrace ... it's time!