There's Always A Beginning!

Wow !  What a beautiful day we've had in North Texas!  I couldn't believe it when the sun woke me up this morning.  I ran barefoot into the backyard and sure enough it was warm enough to do my Bible study outside by the chiminea.  It's been so long since, I just sat outside for any length of time and I drank in every moment!!

Since I finished my 40 days of a covenant time with the Lord, I felt sort of lost this morning.  I decided to pull a journal and do a little reading.  I have journaled for years and it is always nice to go back to see how far I've traveled in a particular time span.  The journal I pulled was first dated April 22, 2008 ... it was a time when I was thinking about how to leave a legacy for my children so that they would really know me inside and out.  To do so would mean allowing someone other than a counselor inside my world ... my world would then become real.  It took a long time before my journaling would take blog form.  There's always a beginning...

"Getting Started...

Whatever you can do

or dream you can,

begin it.

Boldness has genius

power and magic in it.

Begin it now!

~~Goethe

I've been waiting and waiting to begin writing in this book.  Why?  For the perfect time, of course.  Truth is, there is no perfect time so better today than tomorrow.

One of my most favorite songs in The Anchor Holds by Ray Boltz.  Yes, my sails may be battered and torn but my anchor (my faith in Jesus) has held.  No matter what.  This is my core ... my heart ... Life is quite a journey and the journey (events and years) goes by so quickly.  Listen to the song ... it is me ... it is my life ...

My haven has become my back porch.  It is restful and lovely ... my wooden indian, Wimowee; radio; plants; wicker furniture; and, a view of the back yard - each tree, shrub and flower planted with my own hands.  It is beautiful if I don't say so myself!  The sound of the fountain is forever soothing ... it is my own little Eden.  It is here that I will write.




From Victim to Victor:

'I am not afraid of storms for I am learning to said my own ship'~~Louisa May Alcott

Some time ago now, I did some childhood trauma work with an experienced trauma counselor.  It was through my work with her that I began to face my abusers (at that time, I didn't know much about the blank spaces in my life and how those blank spaces affected my unconscious behavior).  I will probably never know the first ... all I know is that the abuse began before I could talk much.  It took me so long to get to the point of even admitting that my childhood was less than ideal.  I was a wonderful, precocious, little girl!  I was happy, an adventurer, smart ... sensitive.  There was another child though ... one who hurt and was angry.  I don't know the source of my anger but if I look back at my abusers I can probably guess fairly accurately.  From them I learned that I deserved punishment ... I was bad ... I wasn't seen or heard.  The stronger child in me struggled saying, 'No, I am not bad!'  My mother was more concerned about what others would think than keep me safe.  She was not alone, in talking with others, it was and is not uncommon for people to be embarrased and afraid of the repercussions of protecting their children.

I had to get angry at my abusers, mourn the losses of my childhood, then forgive and move on.  Today, I can, with all honesty say, I love my mother and father and can let the past go.  I am able to see how God loved me and nourished me.  I was one of the fortunate ones.  He knew what I would endure over the coming years and He equipped me.  I will be forever grateful for my provision and protection!

I was one of the chosen ... I accepted and grabbed on to the hand of the Holy Spirit.  I was victorious from day one.  I just had to fully grasp what God had done for me.  As Christians, we know, in theory, at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, His own lovely character.  I struggled with that statement in counseling for quite some time before I could understand the underlying meaning.  My weaknesses have become my strengths and my heart's desire has changed.  Oh that my life would glorify my Savior and that I would be the voice of hope!

 I am reading the book, HIND'S FEET IN HIGH PLACES, by Hannah Hurnard.  Oh how I can relate to Much Afraid.  Fear is such a stop sign.  Have I had love planted in my heart?  Like Much Afraid, I think that I have had a great longing to experience the joy of natural, human love and to learn to love one person who will love me in return. 

It is as I write that I ask my Lord to place love in my heart.  I know that love and pain go together.  Wait a minute ... I think the seed of love was planted in my heart the evening of my baptism, September 17, 1999.  What a joyful time that was!  I got baptized in the pool in the backyard of the home I shared with my now ex-husband.  Pastor G baptized me and close to 100 friends watched and cheered.  I had been afraid - now I wonder why but I heard the voice of the spirit telling me to (1) meet with Pastor G; (2) be baptized; and, that I would find my answers in John 21.  I was being equipped for ministry.  Oh how I miss those days spent at Grace and my ministry there teaching The Power of a Praying Wife.  It seems so long ago now...

Later...The sound of the air conditioning and the ticking of the clock keep me company as I write.  I'm so glad that I started writing in this book.  It is freeing.  The clock strikes ten and I am not sleepy.  I've been sick since Saturday ... sores in my nose, mouth, throat ... upper respiratory infection ... ugly cough.  Saw Dr. K today ... gave me an antibiotic.  No raging fever tonight.  Praise God!  Should be able to go back to work Thursday.  So much for a May vacation.

I'm going to head off to bed.  I pray that I will have a restful sleep.  Speak to me, my Lord and guide my mind that I would sing with the angels.  I do have one more request ... guide my hands as I write for this book will contain my legacy in written form."

That was nearly three years ago.  Time passes by so quickly ...  I have realized that it takes time to let go of the self and move towards the light.  It was the beginning ... Now, I revel in knowing that I have been able to become known inside and out.  I am able to celebrate my life in a way that I once dreamed of.

My sweet puppy, Toby, is following me from room to room ... inside and outside today.  He is so much company on days when I am at home and not in contact with the outside world.  I am blessed!

It's time to say goodnight ... I wish blessings on all my readers ... may your beginnings have meaning and may your journey be filled with the joys of a life lived with gusto!!

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!