I never thought

February 23, 2013

Dear God,

Hey, it's me, Miss Dottie. Do you have some time to talk? Oh, I know you do. That's one of the wonderful mysteries of having you for my best friend. You're on call 24/7 so here I am. It's one of those times when I need a shoulder to lean on and a man of wisdom to talk to.

I woke up this morning on top of the world. I wrote a short blog and began to get ready to head to Waco to pick up some natural flea and tick spray for the Fabulous 5. Now, my stomach hurts, I have a horrible stress headache, and I am faced with dealing with things over which I have no control. My clothes are still laid out on the bed, the bubbles dissipating in the tub, and I am reeling. Tears fill my eyes and I find it difficult to breathe. All I can say is, "Jesus."

I never thought that life would be this tough at my age. I guess the eternal optimist in me that sees the glass as more than half full got slugged in the gut. Ouch! God, let's you and I talk about something and I hope that you will allow me to be brutally honest because I don't want to come across as whining. I'm saturated with frustration and want to pull the covers over my head and go to sleep until I can wake up and feel refreshed and see a light at the end of the tunnel. That being said, you know I won't do that nor will I stop choosing to see the good in this world.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against fresh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." ~Ephesians 6:10-12

Life is truly about choices and our choices determine the quality of our lives as they unfold. As a small child, my choices were limited to the thinking of a child. My way of coping was to escape into fantasy worlds of reading, paper dolls, and adventure. I was a happy kid but looking back there was something dark inside of me that I chose to "forget." I have had new visions of when I was quite small and they disturb me. I know I managed to escape compartmentalizing my darkness into the far corners of my mind living a pretty happy life from 7-13. At a time when I was learning to be a woman, I was faced with emotional detachment from my mother and my father's anger. I knew who I wanted to be and what I wanted in life, I just didn't know how to get there. All I know is that I developed this yearning to be loved, held, and adored. On the flip side, I didn't feel worthy. I often did not understand my choices and made them as if I was still a child with no control. It sure has been quite a journey of transformation these many years!

Romans 12:2 (which is one of my favorite Bible verses) says:

"Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

The life altering choices I made started when I was seventeen. I chose bad boys who didn't love me in a way a lady should be loved and didn't feel good enough for the great guys who wanted to court me. I lived in a world of confusion ... "If only I was good enough..."  My life was a strange yoyo ~ I had this great life in so many ways but with joy and happiness came the sabotage to bring me down to the tapes running in the back of my mind. I fought good and evil not understanding why I was unlovable. Fortunately, I knew that you, LORD, were my foundation and I chose to live my life close to you. For that I will be eternally grateful. I knew right from wrong and my value system was firmly in place. In fact, my conscience worked overtime keeping me from dabbling into the world of evil pleasures.

"For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 

~2Peter 1:5-8

You know something, Father, I have always found it so strange to have experienced that compelling drive to punish myself over and over. I couldn't be perfect and then would come the inner voices of "what a screw-up."  If I knew my choices weren't good, then, why? Why did I see myself as ugly when others told me I was pretty? Why did I believe the bad people in my life who told me I was a screw-up, selfish, stupid, a bad person? I fought for that beautiful lady inside me yet I also allowed her to be used and abused. Again, my choice. I allowed that beautiful lady to be torn apart. I should have believed you, my creator, when you said:

"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb,

I praise you, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth."

~Psalm 139:13-15

I know I have not been alone in my struggles. Many of my Readers are struggling too with health, finances, job loss, difficult choices, spiritual warfare, addictions, and disappointments. My prayer is that my Readers think about the choices they will make today and will consult you as the ultimate counselor. Whether you are 7 or 70, we decide, don't we... All I know for sure, is that I am grateful that we do life together, You and I.

"There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death."

~Proverbs 14:12

Life must change for awhile be that as it must. My challenge will be my own choices today, tomorrow, and the next day having faith that in making those right decisions, life can get better. The good news is that I know I need not rely on old tapes. I am worthy of a good life ~ a full life.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~Jeremiah 29:11

Every time I visit, I hear God's voice in the chapel

LORD GOD IN HEAVEN, you are my comforter and redeemer. You touched me on the shoulder many years ago as a little girl in the town of Glenwood claiming me as yours. I grabbed hold of your hand and hung on for dear life then and in times such as this. I have been delivered to meadows of green saturated by rays of sunshine. I can manage a smile knowing that while ife is not the way I hoped it would be it is what it is and this day shall pass. Tomorrow will be a new day.

My place of meditation today
Terrace, MN 8/2011

Amen.

Miss Dottie

Note to Readers: Life is not and never has been fair. If you think there is not evil cloaked in goodness and slyness, you are wrong. Satan knows our every weakness. He uses our frailties to disarm and charm us. Don't allow what seems to be too perfect to be true to trip you up. Take time to allow relationships to become transparent. Take time for making those big decisions that will affect your entire life. Most of all, have faith in the man who came to earth to save the sinner. His way brings joy, wisdom, and peace!! You can take that to the bank and live on the interest!!