The Black Night of the Soul

February 9, 2014

Dear God,

For the past few days, I have been reading about what and how we can offer comfort to others. This morning I watched several TV church services and that thought was threaded into those messages as well. I am so grateful for the training I have had as a Stephen's Minister, mentoring women, and helping others to lead more successful lives. Believe me, I could not have come through my own personal pain without your constant presence and the people who came alongside me in my dark nights of hell.

Because of my childhood trauma, I suffered with low self esteem and depression. I retreated into a world of sleep interspersed with bouts of anger when my frustration level reached a boiling point. Mentally I knew what was right, emotionally I acted out in inappropriate ways that I couldn't understand. I couldn't accept the good from people choosing instead to punish myself remaining in relationships that were not good for me. It was a continual process of being unaware yet having outward symptoms. When I could finally accept truth, I began to make progress.

I want to thank the people, Father, who showed up to love me when I couldn't love myself. I want to thank the people who put their arms around me and led me, ever so gently, to a better place. I want to thank the people who gave me books to read and knowledge of a healthier life ~ physically, mentally, spiritually. I want to thank the people who filled in some blanks for me and were able to help me understand the dynamics of my family of origin. History and behaviors tend to manifest themselves from generation to generation simply because that's what families do. The terrible part is that so often we become what we hate.

It was my dream to break free of generational curses and become my own person ... the person I was born to be. There are parts of my family that I absolutely LOVE and I chose to keep those traditions and ways of doing things. The parts of my family that caused me so much pain I needed to dissect, digest, and change. What a freeing thing to be able to do.

Father, I want you to shower "Grace" (my name for my childhood trauma therapist) with extra blessings today. After years of not understanding myself, I was able to wade through the muck and mire of repressed memories to safe ground. Can you believe ... I started going to therapists in the mid eighties and didn't reach a breakthrough until a few years ago??? I was on this quest and just never gave up no matter what I uncovered. Thank you for my perseverance!!

There are times I wonder "why?" There are times I cry when the night is black, my soul is torchered, and life seems so hopeless (yes, still). Then, I remember how you've used all the darkness in my life for good. I've become an advocate for children ... I am able to love freely without judgement and anger. And, you know what, Lord? I am learning to be able to look in a mirror (I've had a phobia about my appearance and seeing myself in a mirror so I wouldn't look). I had to LEARN to love myself warts, bumps, and all. I needed to see myself how you saw me ... fearfully and wonderfully made!

I know that there are Readers out there that either have, are, or will go through depression and/or self-defeating choices. I know there are Readers that don't understand why they do the things they do and wish they could change. I ask that you minister to these people, LORD, filling them with a sense of direction towards wholesomeness. Go before them, placing people in their lives that can show up and put their arms around them modeling your love.  It truly is the month of love and I want to pass the love I have inside me not only to my Readers but to everyone around me. Help me, Father, as I venture out today showering smiles and kindnesses towards those who join me on the path of life.

Amen.

Miss Dottie

PS  Note to Readers: "Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow