Family is about grace...



February 9, 2011

 It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!  Yes, it is ... chilly but oh so pretty!  We were supposed to have another Winter blast but have minimal ice and a dusting of snow.  Just enough to remind us that Winter is still here.  Yesterday the fountain was babbling ... today it is iced over.  Doesn't matter to the dogren ... they love the chase in the snow!!

I am a thinker.  I like to figure out why people are the way they are (including moi) and am continually learning and growing.  I must admit that once I finally got to the root of my own issues, it opened up Pandora's Box and roots went everywhere.  Talk about a tangled mess.  Yet, it was my mess and I am unraveling all the stuff that most people would prefer to leave in the grave.  I probably have been a pest to family and friends, prying open their minds to the past.  I was begging for any knowledge ... I had to know as much as I could because it would be in truth that my heart and soul would be set free!  The blanks in my life were far too many ... Once the dark corners were swept and known, it freed up lots of room for good memories to make their way in!  Yahoo!!




Michael & our oldest granddaughter!

 My husband has had to deal with my stubbornness and the emotional ups and downs of each discovery and each peeling of my flesh.  Before I got better, I had to walk through some pretty muddy waters sometimes regressing to the pain I suffered as a child.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was a frightening thing not only to me but to my partner as well.  I give him credit for loving me on this journey.  I must admit, I pushed him to a limit of wellness as well and together we walked this road.  Yesterday, we went to Target ... he rode in a motorized cart and I walked beside him, holding his hand.  I'll bet we were a funny sight!  I like to have fun adventures every day and Michael is getting used to playing.  We're never too old to have fun!!  Right?

I couldn't have made it this far without the support of my friends, my children, Michael and my faith.  I listen to the song of Amazing Grace and am humbled.  Tears fall down my face as I listen to one of my favorite groups sing this song.  Close your eyes and listen ... think about grace.

   
Without God's grace, direction and provision, I would not be sitting here writing this blog.  To so many who gave me grace, I am eternally grateful.  You'd be surprised at how many people have rejected and thrown stones at me considering me damaged goods ... a woman not fit to teach other women ...  a woman not fit to lead in church ...  A woman not to be forgiven because she is tarnished, dented and imperfect.  In the Bible, I would be the woman at the well ... in life, I was a wounded spirit prey for every unkind person.  No matter how much I would try, I never seemed to grasp the "being OK."  I could understand in my mind; however, until I connected head knowledge with my heart, my self-destructive habits continued.  I believed the "lie." 

As a young woman, I became a Stephen's Minister and was on the Speaker's Forum for the Women's Shelter.  I could share my story and understand others going through turmoil and stress.  I was able to listen without my mouth gaping open or judging.  Why?  Because that was what I wanted for myself.  I had a library of books that most psychologists would envy.  I still am an avid reader especially when the book is about people who are overcomers.  I'm not beyond jumping up and down and saying ... YES, I can do that too!!!  Somehow, I knew that with the help of my Lord God, I would be whole.  I want to share a poem with you that caught my eye today... 

Watch Your Thoughts

 

Watch Your Thoughts.
They Become Words.

Watch your Words.
They Become Actions.

Watch Your Actions.
They Become Habits.

Watch Your Habits.
They Become Character.

Watch Your Character.
For It Becomes Your Destiny.

     ---Author Unknown

Some years ago now, I went into counseling with a Christian man ... I will call him, Dr. John.  When I was feeling overwhelmed, he would say to me, "Dottie, do the next right thing, one day at a time and the future will take care of itself."  I believed that with all my heart and put his philosophy into practice.  With time, it became comfortable and I knew that no matter what, I was doing the best I could do in keeping my slate clean.  That was a good thing for me because when someone slammed me, I could examine their tirades and either accept or disregard.  It was important to stay in the "now", not zone out or regress into a PTSD episode.  It's been many, many months since I've sucumbed to climbing into a closet and wailing like a small child.

Yesterday, I had another call from a publisher wanting a draft of my book.  Doing the story on Hamilton Elf is one thing but maybe, just maybe, the cost of honesty would be far too painful to me and to others.  My son attended church last Sunday and the sermon was on forgiveness ... "hurt people hurt people."  I've heard that before and I know it's true.  I get pros and cons as I seek advice ... one person tells me that those who brutalized me didn't worry about me and my feelings and another says, go for it.  I've been in prayer for years about this.  I do care about hurting people ... especially, now that I have learned more about their backgrounds.

It is time to start working on my house ... since Michael has been ill, he has been my focus and I'm afraid, my cleaning chores have been down the list.  He was to have another steroid injection in his back today and they canceled because of ice.  Hopefully soon he will have relief!



Toby is watching me take photos of the snow and isn't sure if he wants to join me.
He loves the snow but is NOT keen on the ice on the driveway!!

May the Lord bless and keep you safe this Winter day!  Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!