“I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.” Psalm 139:14
If I am ok, why am I the way I am? Why, when I am happy and doing well do I sabotage my happiness? Why did I always feel that I was born into the wrong family? I never seemed to fit and I didn’t understand why. Why was I so angry? Why, when approached by a nice guy did I choose a seemingly nice guy who wasn’t so nice? Why so many marriages when I don’t believe in divorce and have strong moral and spiritual convictions?
For many years, I never understood why I did the things I did. If you would ask me from the time I could talk on up to today, if I liked who I am, I would respond with a resounding, “yes.” If you asked me why, I would respond that I am a leader, a trail blazer, bright, adventurous, honest, empathetic, fun to be around, have a good sense of humor, love the Lord my God, am creative … the list would go on and on. I love self improvement and relationship development, my dogren, writing, reading and getting my hands dirty. I am a typical Sagittarian down to the core and an INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging – introverted intuition with extroverted feeling. Only 1% of the population is an INFJ – oddly enough my son is also a Sagittarian and an INFJ – probably why we get along so well. I am comfortable in my own skin. Being totally honest though, I would also tell you that I felt shame and remorse for what I put my children through for so many years. I don’t want to minimize my flawed parenting skills and have needed to make amends. I thank the Lord that I have some pretty amazing resilient talented kids! I can’t go backwards; however, I can forgive myself and move forward being the best wife, friend, mother and grandmother I can be. I can be an advocate against domestic violence and speak up for children. I can put my head on the pillow and rest peacefully.
In 2004, after years of baffling counselors, I was FINALLY diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder stemming from severe childhood and adult abuse. Most of my childhood involving people was a blank so I filled in the blanks with a Beaver Cleaver existence. I was so fortunate to work with a woman who was well versed in childhood trauma and over a period of time, was able to piece some of my life together. Every day of my life, I will need to be aware of “triggers” and the peeling of the onion of my life will be on going. I am right handed and wrote for months in a journal using my left hand. I could tell the difference when I used my right hand, I wrote from my head…when I wrote with my left hand, I wrote from the heart of a child. We also used a procedure called “tapping” in my healing process. I had a drive to know “why”… If you don't know where you've come from, how do you know where you're going? Down the road, I may share some of my child-like journal.
My mind was so sealed that even getting a tiny peek into my childhood was almost impossible. My therapist said that I was a very bright little girl who began to disassociate at a very young age. I put on a smile and lived in a world of make believe - I read people and became a chameleon. I started getting snapshots/flashbacks and remembering tiny bits of information…my thoughts were it was my fault, I was a bad girl, I was ugly, if I stayed out 5 minutes past curfew I was a whore, I drove my mother crazy, I talked too much and asked too many questions… The tapes had been put into my subconscious and were running even though I was unaware as an adult. (Remember, my family was the perfect family and I protected that stronghold) My first comment to the counselor was that, I need to forgive ____________ because I was a bad girl. No, I needed to identify my perpetrator, get angry and mourn the loss then forgive and move on. My way of coping was denial – BIG TIME!! I will never forget and that spurs me on to be an advocate against abuse of any kind. My therapist said I needed to celebrate the wholeness of my mind because many girls who are abused become prostitutes, promiscuous, sociopaths, addicts and aren’t able to carry on normal lives. Only by the grace of God am I alive to tell you my story and encourage others to stand up and be somebody…the person God created them to be!! Don’t believe anyone who tells you that trauma to a child happened at such an early age that they won’t remember it. Trust me, it will come out sooner or later.
For me, the biggest trigger was “you are no good and don’t deserve any better.” I didn’t say it or consciously think it, my behavior is what told the story. And, even though I was a high functioning lady, it was the relationships with the men in my life and the sabotaging of my successes that told the story. One of my therapists from years ago told me that marriage was a crapshoot…that no matter how much you think you know a person, once you are married, the real people come out. I’d just had more than my share of bad luck. Two marriages later, I realized it wasn’t about THEM, it was about ME!
I never heard my mother or father say “I love you” and that makes me sad. But, rather than dwelling on this, I have chosen to tell my children and grandchildren that I love them every time I talk to them or see them. I was “let loose” as soon as I could walk and was on the move all over the town where I was raised. I learned not to feel because to feel would mean I would need to acknowledge that I hurt inside. I could pretend though, and put on a smile in the wink of an eye. I read in my baby book that I was a climber and took many falls – out of my highchair, down stairs. My mother told me stories of what a pain I was – especially since my brother was born 11 months after me and he had colic for 3 months and she never got any sleep. This may sound like I am still angry but, no, I’m not. When I was finally able to say (out loud) that I lived in a sterile emotionally abusive home, I could forgive and love my Mother and Father. I began to understand them and love them with the grace that God gives to me on a daily basis. Like me, my Mother was abused and came from a cold, emotionally abusive home…now, how far back was I wanting to go to “blame” her for my plight in life?
I heard once that we are not responsible for our abuse BUT we are responsible for our own recovery. I think there's way too much blaming going around these days and not enough taking responsibility for our own actions.
I’m going to stop here for today. It is emotionally taxing to be so totally open and vulnerable. As I said in a previous blog, my life was filled with secrets but NO MORE. What man meant for evil, God will use for good. I stand on that promise.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
Looking forward to the Lord's Day tomorrow. It will be the first Sunday that I've been back in church since my neck surgery. I'm also excited because I will be starting a card ministry for those in the church needing encouragement, celebrating birthdays/babies, etc. Yeah!!!
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