What Man Meant for Evil, God Meant for Good

Good evening everyone.  Fall has really dropped in on Texas.  The breezes are chilly and the trees are starting to turn.  Sadie and Toby love to run through the leaves then bound into the house creating complete chaos.  My vacuum cleaner gets a good work out these days!

This has been quite a week ... good stuff and some other stuff that God has to  handle.  My faith is my strength & I am excited about getting my card ministry off the ground this week!!  I'd been praying about how I could serve my church and the card ministry kept coming up.  So many people are so alone and knowing someone cares can mean the world to them.  Dr. B stopped by tonight and he said we should be rolling really soon.  Anybody in the Dallas area who has some Christian All Occasion cards that they'd like to donate, let me know.

My eldest granddaughter is quite ill and we're all having a hard time with this.  She was born with ovarian cancer and now is facing the removal of another tumor in the ovary and removal of the fallopian tube that is filled with fluid.  Angie and Brittany spent today with the gynocologist to get the results of tests.  They did more blood work and surgery may be on the horizon as early as next week.  We are on our knees.  It was ironic that Dr. B. showed up tonight because I was in tears and that man shook heaven with his prayers for Brittany.  Please pray for her as you are led.  When you have children, you think you couldn't love anyone as much as those sweet babies ... then comes the granchildren (all 6 of them) and love seems to blossom all over again. 

Over the past 28 years I have read practically every self-help book written.  I used to attend Alanon on a regular basis and they would say "Take what you can use and leave the rest."  I found that to be oh so true.  I think I could say I had a Phd in Getting Whole.  :o)  We're all works in progress, one step at a time.  And, you know what, God loves us just as we are!!

So many followers of my blog have said, "I had no idea..."  Well, welcome to the club 'cause I had no idea either...All I knew is that my life was a mess and I had huge blanks where I remembered nothing about my growing up years.  Later as an adult, if something was painful, I would block it out.   Now I can stay in the moment.  Yeah!  Believe me, that's a big step.  I went to see a counselor by the name of Mandy in the early 1980's.  I told her that I wanted her to give me every psychological test in the book and if I was crazy, to lock me away.  Some of the tests I thought were kind of weird but I did them anyway.  When the day came, to get the results, she said well...you are emotionally healthier than probably 95% of the people alive.  There were some questions though that came up about my choice in partners which puzzled her.  I remember telling her that it puzzled me too.  I did tell Mandy about some snapshots that were strange and that I had a BIG conscience that worked overtime. She said that I led a shame based life but why??  One time I stole some perfume from the dime store and my conscience hurt so bad that I had to tell my mother.  She had me shake some money out of my piggy bank and we went back to the store so that I could apologize and pay them for the perfume.  To this day, if I hurt someone or do something against my values, I cringe.

In my search I began to think like a child.  I detached to survive and keep myself safe.  I was a "good girl" (except for my adventures which I guess these days would be called running away).  In my Pollyanna world things were pretty good.  No one talked much In my house and I spent a lot of time alone in my room or in the basement.  I must say though that as a teenager, I spent a whole lot of time on the telephone with friends plotting and planning our next outing.  Oh, those hot dog pizzas at Elaines were soooo good!

Two things I have remembered quite clearly.  My Grandmother Maggie who I adored, fixed up a playhouse for me next to her garage and fixed it up so cute.  She would make cookies and Kool-Aid and we would have tea parties.  I loved bringing my doll babies there and playing.  I had a cousin who was about 8 years older than me.  At first he asked if he could join my tea parties and play mommy and daddy.  I thought that sounded pretty cool.  It wasn't long before the play wasn't fun any more.  I was violated and told no one because he said I would get in trouble.  I told him never to come into my play house again.  He didn't!   There was something else that I remember quite vividly --I don't remember how old I was but probably no older than 5.  There is a huge blank in time; however, I remember looking at my underwear and seeing yellow sticky stuff.  I felt so much shame - it was late Fall because there was snow on the ground but not much.  I took the underwear and threw them out into the field.  They were hanging from some weeds.  I went home and my conscience got the best of me and I went back out to the field and got my underwear and brought them home and showed them to my mother.  I kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."  My mother looked at me strangely, took the underwear and never said a word.  This particular episode has bothered me for years.  Ruth (trauma counselor) said that I may never remember the whole story.  God only allows us remember what our minds can handle.  I kept telling her that I really wanted to know and her reply was that the reality of the trauma may be more than I could bear as a child and as an adult.

Breaking Free from being a victim has been important to me.  Because my life was filled with so many secrets and those secrets were causing me to self-destruct, I speak out.  I speak up for every little girl and boy who has been violated.  I'm not afraid anymore and I've learned to truly love me and who God made me to be.  It's been quite a bumpy ride but that's ok too...  Maybe some people think I'm being too open but then I wonder if things would have been different if someone who have spoken up for my mom or me or anyone else in my family hurt by a perpetrator.

My kids call me Mama Bear and I laugh.  I would protect them with my life!  I am so proud of them I can hardly stand it.  They are good people who love the Lord and their fellowman.  They're overcomers too and I like that about them.  For such a long while, it was just Jane, Tommy and me and we were a loving family.  In fact, when my son got married, Jane was his "best man errrr lady!"  There are so many good things that made me who I am and I just love that Bible verse...what man meant for evil, God meant for good..

I wish you pleasant dreams.   I won't be writing tomorrow because I will be setting up the office for my card ministry and my husband is telling me that a trip to the grocery store is in order!  And, most importantly, I want to be on call immediately if my family needs me for some comforting or if my little grandsons need to spend some time with Grandma. 



Let's all remember this family...the goings have been kinda tough!  I just believe that with God ALL things are possible!!