"I love you, Lord God, and you make me strong. You are my mighty rock, my fortress, my protector, the rock where I'm safe, my shield, my powerful weapon, and my place of shelter." Psalm 18:1-2
Yesterday, we chatted about how I got to the shelter. Today, let's visit about my time there.
While I was in the shelter, I was transformed inwardly outward. Of course I was scared to death my first night there, who wouldn't be. I was embarrassed, humiliated and feeling pretty put out that I had to leave my beautiful home, my dogs and everything of material value behind me. Do you think that I defined myself by what I "possessed"? I'm embarrassed to say, yes I was to a great extent.
Life in the shelter was, for the most part, peaceful but it was a shelter where women and children sought solace and safety from their abusers and no matter how much we tried, we couldn't get away from that. The day after I arrived, I got a roommate who had fled New York State with her 4 year old daughter. She came to Texas to find a new life as a teacher and protect her child. She was also a Christian and quite an inspiration to me. The other odd part was that at this time, I would ask questions of the Lord and he would answer me using the Psalms. My Bible is so covered with notes ... I love it because I truly know that He took me from a place of danger and placed me in a home of safety guiding and teaching me all the way. It is important to remember what He did for me when I go through trials now.
Miracles were many for me, I wasn't fighting this battle alone. I was offered a job at Jenny Craig that I loved. It wasn't much money but at the shelter, I didn't need much money...I needed to work. My divorce attorney was astounded at what transpired during my divorce proceedings. I had several friends who helped me with paperwork and stood beside me ready at a moment's notice to help. My husband and I went through mediation and everything I asked for he agreed to. Even the mediator was in awe. Remember how I said that I feared for my pets? Well, my beloved Toby was adopted by the daughter of a prominent entertainer (I always knew that dog was destined for fame). Toby lives the good life and is adored and pampered. Khloe and Khelsea went to a rescue shelter until I could take them home with me. I rested knowing they were being loved and provided for.
They told me at the shelter that I should alter my appearance and God provided that too...one of the ladies at Jenny Craig told me that I had helped her so much that she wanted to give me a complete redo on my makeup and hair. Welllll....she worked at one of the finest salons in Dallas...a place where there is one person to shampoo, another to color hair, then a stylist to create a hairdo specifically to enhance one's features. When I walked in the door, I think my eyes got as big as silver dollars. I went in with my grey hair and came out with beautiful reddish brown hair that was highlighted to look oh so natural. The fellow who cut my hair gave me an edgy new do and I walked out a new woman. By this time I had dropped a whole lot of weight and few people recognized me. Actually, it was kind of fun to go around incognito!
The few clothes I had fit perfectly in the tiny closet I shared with my roommate. My personal things weren't overflowing in the 2 drawers of the dresser. I had a warm bed to sleep in and bonded with many of the women living there. It was different though...very regimented (for our own good). Every day there was a posting in the kitchen of our duties at the shelter...we weren't there to be freeloaders. We had to wear rubber gloves to clean as the disinfectant and cleaner was of a commercial brand. We had individual counseling sessions, group counseling sessions, and a project for each day. Rules were strictly enforced (I would say there was a lot of tough love there) and we had a curfew. Confidentiality was so important because it involved the safety of many women and children.
My counseling sessions were the beginning of really getting into my subconscious. Sadly, I admit that my mind wasn't ready to let go of the real reasons I was there. The group counseling sessions were the ones I got the most out of. Listening to each woman's story and sharing mine. I was so in awe at the courage these women had. I was wishing that I could start a Bible Study there but that was not allowed. So many needed to hear about God's grace and His Son. I did have enough boldness that when asked where my peace came from, I answered honestly. The children also had counseling sessions and learned how to fight fair and express their feelings appropriately. So many came to the shelter with absolutely nothing and you know how important toys are to kids...their eyes lit up at the prospect of having even one toy to play with. With the few things I had, I was rich!!
God knew what I would need to minister to women in the future and he provided that at the shelter. If you put one woman in the center of a room and push her, she will fall down. If you surround her with other women, no matter what, she can't fall. Try that sometime. Another project that was of value to me was when we were given a poster board and a pile of magazines. We had to cut pictures, words, etc. out of the magazines and paste them on to the poster board. The board was to define who we were. It couldn't be about anyone else including our children. Oddly enough, this was very difficult for the women (and me too)...they had been defined by an abuser and it was difficult to dig deep inside and find themselves. I remember sitting at the kitchen table for hours looking at a blank board. Then, I started cutting and cutting and cutting. Who was I? What did I like? I found myself on that board and you know what? I liked the person represented on that poster board. In group we shared our posters...some women only had demeaning things on their posters, others had a couple of things, mine? Well, mine was covered...it was that independent adventurous spirit that got me up and got me going. By gosh, "I'm not going to let this big bully define who I am." When I left the shelter, I forgot my board and have always been sad about that. Maybe it needed to stay there to encourage another woman, I hope so.
At night, there were strange sounds in the shelter. Babies crying, doors opening and closing, people making trips to the bathroom. It was hard to get used to at first but then, the sounds became those of comfort and I was able to rest peacefully. I was safe.
Another miracle occurred regarding my love of things, when my divorce was final, I was allowed back into the house surrounded by family and friends. I told my son and daughter to bring moving vans and to take whatever they wanted from the house. I kept enough furniture and household goods to furnish a 550 square foot apartment. Luckily, I was able to sell my kitchen table and chairs and the den furniture which gave me rent money. What was left, I gave to friends. At the end of the day, things were getting kind of somber and sad...my little granddaughter, Madison, went through the house gathering everyone into the downstairs den. She said, "Things are way too sad around here, let's celebrate - I am going to teach you all a song and dance." We all got into the circle and learned the A To Te Tah song and dance. By the end of our lessons, we were all laughing. I will be forgever grateful to this little preschooler that had such empathy and joy. Thank you Madison for helping me through a really trying day. When the door closed & we all went our separate ways, so did a chapter of my life.
More miracles came my way each and every day. When I was getting ready to leave the shelter, I wondered where I would go. I made a list of my "needs" and got pretty specific: fireplace, beautiful view, garden tub, pretty, fresh, safe... The day I appeared in court to finalize my divorce, I was driving back to the shelter. I looked to my right and there were some beautiful apartments with green roofs. I heard this little voice say .... "there, go there." I took the next exit and drove in. The manager took me to look at some model apartments and nothing seemed like home. I was about to leave and she said, "You know, we have an apartment that was just vacated and is being cleaned and new carpet put in. I'm not supposed to show it yet, but it may be something you would like." Oh my gosh, I asked and God provided. This tiny little apartment backed up to a beautiful golf course and had a fabulous outdoor patio. It had a fireplace and everything was just so "pretty". For those of you who know me, "pretty" is important! :o) I signed the lease and could move in when I left the shelter.
Now, I thought, "What have you done? How are you going to pay for this apartment?" Well, God provided there too. One day, I had come back to the shelter and my roommate was crying...she was completely out of money, had a job interview and no way to get there. I thought, Lord, you blessed me with a job and you've been so good to me. It's time to pass it on. I opened my wallet and gave her my last $50. (By the way, she did get the job). I didn't tell anyone about my gifting but it wasn't long and I started getting checks for $50 from people. With each check, I said, "Thank you Lord for your provision and your protection." Since I had sold my den furniture and kitchen set, I had money for rent and with my job, I would be okay. Material things...nah...God took that away and I am content with much or little. My time at that little apartment was one of the happiest times of my life. I sang there, I danced there, I entertained family and friends...it was the first time, I ever had lived by myself...ever...2002!
If you're an abused woman reading this, contact your local shelter. They have off site classes, counseling, and can offer advice on protecting yourself and your children. When you're beaten down day after day, the mind stops thinking clearing ... the counselors at the shelter can guide you to proper authorities which in an emergency is vital.
Today, this is my theme song: "I am your chosen one, You won't leave me in the grave or let my body decay. You have shown me the path to life and you make me glad by being near to me. Sitting at your right side, I will always be joyful." Psalm 16:10-11
Have a blessed day...praying that all of you will have the peace that passes all understanding ... and, pep in your step! Talk to you tomorrow.
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