For some time, I thought that forgiveness meant just forgetting and moving on like nothing had happened. I think that's called sweeping things under the rug and not making waves. In one of those ah ha moments, I realized that forgiveness means letting go and moving on. To heal trauma suffered as a child and adult, I had to lance each pocket of puss inside of me, allow the wounds to heal then move on. I read this morning that hatred of another person is like drinking poison & thinking the other person will die. Now, how crazy is that? It has been through God's grace, going through the grieving process, forgiveness, rememberance, and moving on that I am moving each day towards the light of wholeness.
I will be forever grateful to Barbara for telling me about my mother as she remembered her. In her youth, my mother was a striking beauty with dark hair, blue eyes, and porcelain skin. She was tall, thin and spirited. In the 1930's she had a prominent "desk" job and was quite fashionable. Her suits were of the finest wool, her blouses were of silk and lace and her wardrobe always included high heel shoes. My favorite picture of her is of her sitting on a rock by the lake ... she was wearing a white blouse, sweater, plaid skirt and, of course, high heeled shoes! My mother liked to be active. She rode horses, flew an airplane, played the violin, was bright, learned quickly and loved her chosen careers. Her work seemed to define her and it was there that she received awards and accolades. Early photos of her showcased her with poses right out of a magazine. It is this way that I will choose to remember my mother and cherish her because as I will relate in future blogs, her life changed dramatically and she suffered greatly emotionally and physically which, of course, effected me, her first child born when she was 34 years old.
As children we come into this world with our mouths wide open expecting to be fed ... we cry when our diapers need changing and when we just need that warmth of our mother's holding us and cooing over how wonderful we are. We don't cry or "need" because we are bad. We weren't born to be inconveniences to sleep deprived parents or brats holding our parents back from doing what they want to do and can't because of "child(ren)". Children are gifts to be nurtured, loved and cherished. Getting pregnant, the baby showers, the birth .... that's only the beginning. I think it's very important to add that I was a planned pregnancy and very much wanted. Another favorite photo of mine, is one where my very pregnant mother is being hugged by my father. Both have huge grins on their faces. If I was planned, wanted and celebrated, what happened? The instruction manual I came with was very flawed and my parents were unprepared to write a new manual.
I think I have a lot of my Grandma in me...my job definitely defines a large part of me-- I love helping people, educating women, and learning. Yet, I also adore my girls, my husband, relatives, and our animals. It is hard to give 100% to everything, so I hope those I love forgive unintentional shortcomings.
ReplyDeleteKeep going Mom!!! I love it—and I love learning about your life.