Early Morning Reflection...What A Beautiful Day!

Early morning reflection ... what a beautiful way to start my day!!

Good morning, Readers, come on in to my world.  It is quiet here and we can talk.  As I pray for you, I hope that you feel my love and the presence of the Holy God I serve.  I look out the window and am taken back to a time nine years ago.  I celebrate that beginning.  Maybe today is your beginning!  I promise you, you are not alone!!

"It's dark in here...  I am cuddling a soft teddy bear and listening to unfamiliar sounds.  I am at Hope's Door.  I am numb.  I stare blankly into the night wondering what's to become of me.  I am alone and frightened.  This must be a bad dream yet I know it's not.  Bad dreams have an ending and this nightmare has gone on since I was a small child.  Where is there to go when there is nowhere?  What will tomorrow bring?"

About one year ago, I began my blog about Family - For Better or Worse.  It was a time that I made a decision to open my mouth, to acknowledge my own pain, and to put my arms around those who would follow my journey.  It's been a good year.  As I have said before, "My Trash ... your eyes."  Hopefully, you have found some wisdom in walking with me.  Each October I remember a time when life became so painful that I had to make a decision of whether to go on in life or just plain give up.  It was and has been a process.

My blog today is for that woman who is struggling with the ugliness of abuse.  The pages on which I write are tear stained because no matter how hard I try to tell myself that I am worth something and okay, the voices around me at times still echo, "You are not okay.  You are not what I think you should be.  Who would ever want you?"  Are they right?  I am flawed, I've made bad choices, and I've done bad things.  I want to tell you, Readers, that there is hope and there is grace and there is life to be lived beyond the grave of secrets.

Yes, there was hope beyond Hope's Door.  It was there that I experienced rebirth and received a newness of life ... and, the courage to write openly from my heart.  You have to realize that I am telling this story and it is about me, my life and how I experienced others.  The characters in my life's story may remember my life's story differently.  Yet, in the end, when all is said and done, it is I who became a survivor.

Any prolonged (this adjective is very important) abuse sears the spirit and wounds the soul ... it is as simple or complicated as that.  I knew many times that what others said and did hurt me, I always thought it was my fault.  I was responsible for the pain (they said) I caused others and I lived my life walking on egg shells.  My stay at Hope's Door was the first time I had doubted that "it" was my fault.  The first couple days in the women's shelter planted the seed ... "Another person's abusive acts were not my fault.  I was not to be blamed.  It was okay and necessary to me to protect myself."  I felt (for the first time in my life) completely safe.  There were other women there struggling in the same way I was.  They understood and knew the feelings I had.  My counselors provided information that was invaluable.  Each week of my month-long stay, they introduced a new topic or series of topics to assist in developing the skills I needed to surpass just surviving.  I learned to understand myself.  I was given information on how to take care of myself and break the cycle of abuse.  Yes, it was I who had to change and was given tools to begin my transformation.  The biggest thing that was drilled into my head what that I couldn't change an abusive person, even with love.  I learned skills for coping.  Probably most important for me was the emotional support.  It was always there.  Without that, I am sure I couldn't have made it.  That support meant so much to me.  It was what I needed to feel that someone cared and that I mattered.  With people giving so much, I couldn't help but see that I had worth.

The journey to wellness has been like peeling an onion ... one stinky layer at a time.  Today, I have comforts that I would not have dreamed possible.  I open my mouth when I am hurt and say ouch ... I contribute that not only to my own perseverance but also to the dedicated people who took the time to care and gave so much of themselves.  I was fortunate to have a God who orchestrated this whole effort to "saving Dottie" and a multitude of friends who stuck by me through thick and thin.

Although my life was very difficult during the time I spent in the shelter and counseling, when I look back, more times than not I remember the overwhelming feeling of being accepted and safe.  What a relief it was just to feel safe ... something so many take for granted.

"If the value of my life matters to strangers...

people that don't have to care about me...

maybe it should matter to me..

maybe I should ask, 'What does it mean to care!'

What does it mean to love?"~~Author Unknown

If you are wondering if you are in love or if someone loves you, go to I Corinthians 14:4-7 ~~ "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

I hear the birds chirping outside and I am drawn from my chair in the living room out to the back porch.  The birds love to bathe in the fountain and visit ... goodness sake can they ever chirp up a storm!!  I love to sit and watch them ... simplicity of life ... what a gift that is.

Remember ... Let us love all that we are, just as we are, for we are works in progress!!