Who can I trust

January 29, 2012

It's a "good grief, Charlie Brown" kind of day.  I can't get warm this morning and my brain feels like it is twice it's normal size.  I went over to Beverly's yesterday and Iggy (cat) insisted on jumping up in my lap.  Iggy has had surgery and was on death's door so even though I didn't touch him, I allowed him to sit awhile.  Not a good thing for me to do since I am allergic.  Yesterday and today I have congestion.  I really need to just have Beverly come here.  With five cats in a house, I really feel it when I visit.  It's stupidity to "trust" that I won't get sick!!

Trust ... as babies, we come into the world trusting that someone will love us and care for us.  Sometimes that happens and sometimes not.  When I began writing my blogs, I had no reason to believe that I was not loved, wanted or cared for as an infant.  I truly believed in my heart of hearts that I was a baby born into the right family at the right time and that I could trust my parents to care for me.  Everything I have read and felt deep within me points to a well planned arrival and two doting parents.  I am deeply grateful for that...


Life is difficult at best and any change can be disabling.  We all face adversity in various forms and at different times in our lives.  In understanding my own mother and the stresses in her life, I became more compassionate towards her and towards myself.  The same is true of my father ... in understanding him, I began to feel a deep deep love for him.  Despite their frailties, they were and are my God given parents and whether they did a good job of raising me or not, they did shape the woman I have become.


Do I truly believe what I am writing?  There are no easy answers except to say quite truthfully that in forgiveness came peace and a letting go.  I could take the good parts of them (my tormentors), throw away their bad parts, and set myself free to become a new creation.  My own transformation has come at a price over a very long period of time.  There have been times when I didn't know who I could trust if anyone ... those were the toughest times ... times when I shut myself up and moved into my comfortable shell hoping no one would notice me.  Looking back, I can see that God was not content to allow me to get too complacent and cozy in my own mistrust of the world and everyone in it.


 Emotional pain may involve an unhappy marriage, divorce, a miscarried child, grief over a rebellious child, a controlling spouse or parent, a move, loss of a job/friend/spouse/family member, abuse ... the list goes on and on.  Some pain is sudden, traumatic and devastating -- wham bam events.  Other adversities are chronic, persistent, and seemingly designed to wear down our spirits over time -- our everyday stresses.  It is my opinion that no pain is unreal ... it stems from something.  Even hypochondriacs experience their own ills because of what is going on in the mind.  Again, it is my own opinion that hypochondria stems from trust and abandonment issues.

Today, we live under the threat of terrorism, earthquakes, famine, injustice of various and sundry kinds.  The newspapers are full of reports of a nuclear holocaust.  Trust?  Who do we trust?  The President?  The government?  Our families?  Friends?  Our bank accounts?  We have candidates vying to run in the Presidential Election ... who do we trust there?  Again, in my own opinion, at some time or another all of these will fail us.  Please think about this and dig deeper into your own thoughts.  Who will you trust and lean on if the nuclear bombs do come?  As for me, my trust comes from a living God.  Even, in times of trial, He has brought about good in my life.  I believe that without God's permission, President Obama would not be our present President.  I listened quite carefully to his State of the Union speech and found myself wanting to believe him just as I had when he was elected several years ago.  Then, I decided NOT to allow my feelings to rule my thinking and began to dig deeper.  The facts told another story.  I am encouraging all Americans to dig deep into the facts of what's REALLY going on in Washington.  What's happened to men and women of good character not only in Washington but in our country as well?  A man's handshake used to be his bond ... not today.  What we hear is often less than truth (manipulation) and we are being led to the slaughter.  The sad part is that, right now, we are all so oblivious.  That stinks!!



David spares King Saul...

Since I am writing this (mainly for my own family to know me and what I stand for), I do want to say this...  Remember the story of David and Saul in the Bible?  No matter how wicked Saul became, David respected him as his king and even when he had the chance to kill him, he didn't.  Instead, David allowed God to have His way with Saul.  That is where I am in life.  I don't like what is going on in the country I live in.  I am choosing to respect the President of the United States while he is in office AND I am becoming educated on who to vote for in the next election.  We must remember that we, the people, elected those in Washington.  It is US ... the people ... who must get our heads out of the ground, change from our own wicked ways and become smarter thus making better decisions!!  We must learn from our choices whether they be good or bad.

Nearly ten years ago I printed out the following and tacked it up over my desk at work.  Several times a day, I would look up and read it ... it is my hope that it will help you too.

Remember...God is in control:

1. When all seems lost, it isn't.
2. When no one seems to notice, they do.
3. When everything seems great, it isn't.
4. When nothing seems just, it is.
5. Things are seldom what they seem.
6. When God seems absent, He's present.
7. Momentous events often hinge upon the tiniest trivialities!

Have a wonderful day.  Always remember you are loved and prayed for!!

A January Morning...

January 28, 2012

Good Morning!  It is REALLY cold here this morning and I had to crank the heat up a notch.  Good day to stay in, watch an old movie, and catch up around here.  Might take a trip to Corsicana later to look for some material to make some valances for the living room and dining room.  I haven't touched a sewing machine in years but am willing to give it a try!!

I am so excited I can hardly stand it.  My first blog book (2010) is published.  It's not perfect yet I am happy.  I'm not perfect, life's not perfect so why should my blog be perfect??  It's my legacy ... it's what I know about life and even what I don't know and understand.  So often I wish my grandparents and parents would have kept diaries.  I do have my father's letters to my mother in WWII and I cherish those.  I am grateful for the historical society in the little city I grew up in for having so much on my family ... my research was successful.  I know that history often repeats itself and my heritage was so fruitful (good people who brought forth good fruit to be exact!).

Last week I was at our home in North Texas.  Michael had gone down to the little casa and had taken Toby and Sadie with him.  Would you believe I couldn't sleep?  I am so used to my family being all in one bed ... yes, including the little furry critters!  So ... last Thursday I drove down here too.  I had also been asked to attend a women's Bible study on Trusting God that met on Fridays and wanted to do that.

Sometimes, life is about the little things ... it's about the joy of sharing life with beloved pets ... it's about family being in one place to "be family" ... it's about making new friends and staying centered around what's really important.  When life gets crazy I know I need to slow down and get back to basics.  If I do too much, life gets watered down and I am savoring nothing.  I am reading John Eldredge's book, WALKING WITH GOD, and he talks about just that ... savoring life.  We get our mind's set on something and go hell bent on achieving our goal ... that can be good yet what about the gifts that God sends.  If we are too busy to notice, we miss the splendor of the moment.  I take pride in being a multi-tasker but is that always good?

Speaking of John Eldredge, it was nice to know that someone else has conversations with God.  I will tell someone that God told me ____________ and they say, "Suurree He did."  (chuckle)  I will ask God questions and He will answer me in scripture ... many times in Psalms.  Anyway, it was comforting to know that I am not alone.

I have been having a tough time letting go of my home in North Texas.  I second guessed myself in selling the house and had myself in quite a dither.  I prayed that God would affirm my decision and immediately the thought "when God closes a door, another opens" came to mind.  The appraisal on the house should be done this next week so that will be the final thing to be done before closing the end of February which will be an answer of either go or no go.  Another (affirmation) answer came when I was invited to attend a Bible study on Trusting God - Even When Life Hurts.  The lady who invited me was Debbie (the mother of the young man shot on a family hunting expedition).  She said that the study was helping her through her grieving process.  Besides, I like Debbie very much ... she is a warm, caring lady and her lifestyle appeals to my love of the country.

My alarm was set for seven on Friday morning so I would have plenty of time to get ready and find my way to Debbie's Ranch (they have sheep and horses).  We joined forces and meandered down more country roads to pick up Tania at her ranch (goats and horses).  I was in pig heaven ... the trees were so beautiful and the animals frisky.

We motored over to Whitebluff (a resort community on Lake Whitney), checked in at the gate then found our way to the home where the Bible study was being held.  We walked in the front door and I was in awe ... there were over twenty women there and the laughter was catching.  I am a little shy when I first go somewhere unfamiliar but this wasn't the case Friday morning.  I felt so at home with my sisters in Christ.  At ten, Susie rang the bell to start the class and we all took our seats.  Yes, all of us fit in the den in a circle!

The study on trusting God is a deep one and I will be stretched which is good.  The group is on Chapter 4 so I spent some time last night reading the first three chapters and doing the workbook.  It feels sooo good to be back in learning mode.  There are times when I wish I was an orator so I could express myself better in talking with others.  I am an extroverted introvert and do better with the written word.

(Laugh)  Sadie is laying at my feet snoring up a storm.  Her feet look like she is running at times so she must be dreaming.  Toby has gathered his toys and has them under his chin.  It is so peaceful right now and I am content.  Oops, I spoke too soon, Sadie jumped up and is peering out the backdoor.  The hair on her back is standing up and her tail in attack mode.  Sometimes, the squirrels taunt her then run up the tree chattering at her.  She keeps an eagle eye out and I love watching her hunt and play.  She and Toby had discovered that they could jump over a blocked area by the garage and were getting out to wander the neighborhood.  Michael replaced the smaller blockage with a larger/taller one and they are frustrated.  It's funny watching them go to their escape route wondering, "What in the heck ... this used to be our tunnel to freedom!!"

My sweet daughter had abdominal surgery last Monday.  Being so far away, I was on pins and needles.  I knew that God was in control but you know how mothers are!  Thank goodness Tim kept me informed.  I was so relieved (and grateful) that the surgery turned out to be day surgery and that the findings were more positive than negative.  She has been tired ... surgery is trauma to the body and it takes time to recover.  It was after my many surgeries since 2004 that Fibromyalgia moved in.  I am now learning that it is IMPORTANT to take good care of oneself and allow the body to heal when it's hurt.  Jane is a go-getter so I hope she is following doctor's orders!  She is off work for two weeks -- I hope that if she isn't 100% that she will decide to stay home a little longer.

Today is a new day and I want to make my mark on it whether it be touching someone's  heart or discovering something new.  I am learning that we make plans but those plans can succeed only when they are consistent with God's purpose.  I want to align my life with that purpose and that takes a whole lotta prayer and listening to what He has to say!!  I'm sure He won't mind if I run across the street and visit with Beverly a minute or two!!

Know what?  My recovery has been like peeling an onion one layer at a time.  I think that I'm about to have another layer taken off.  Hmmm.  Am I ready for that?

Always know that you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

Late night thoughts

12:05 am, January 25, 2012

Yawn ... it's the midnight hour and I am still awake.  I should be really tired but I'm not ... maybe too much caffeine today??  I'm propped up in bed, checking emails, reading my Daily Walk Bible, and figured I would start a blog...  I'm sure I will be one tired lady come morning!


It's raining cats and dogs ... I stood out on the porch for a little while ago and watched the sprinkles turn to wind driven rain drops.  I'm glad that I finished all my outdoor chores today.  I wanted my gardens in ship shape so that the new owner wouldn't have to be outside pruning while they were trying to get settled inside.  To be totally honest, maybe I just wanted to spend one more time of tending before I passed the baton.

We got the inspection report on the house.  We were asked to fix the gate on the fence and unclog a slow moving bathtub drain.  Michael is handling the fence and I tackled the tub.  My son in law, Tim, recommended a tool called Zip-It.  I went over to Home Depot and got one (weird little gizmo!).  I also got some hair and grease drain cleaner just in case.  I had to take the plug apart so I could get the Zip-It into the drain.  Yuk!  Sure pulled up some nasty looking stuff.  It still didn't drain much faster so I used the Instant Power Hair and Grease Drain Cleaner.  I used half the bottle and it worked pretty good.   I poured the rest of the bottle in and am leaving it in overnight as suggested.  Hope it does the trick so I don't have to call a plumber!  I just love doing all these little home fixit projects.


One time I put Draino down the garbage disposal (at a different house) and it literally blew out the pipes under the sink.   What a mess I had.  I've always had my own tool box so I grabbed that I started the clean-up.  I was upset that I did such a stupid thing but proud that I managed to clean up the mess all over the floor as well as get the pipes back together.  Where there's a will there's a way!!  Handywoman Dottie to the rescue!!


Don't you just love the tick tock of a clock?  We have clocks all over the house, all with different chimes, dings, and dongs!  It's soothing for sure!  I find myself getting distracted and just listening ... my mind wandering here and there.



Memories of a Fall Day

 I was thinking about my day ... on Monday, I had pruned bushes so my goal today (since it's after midnight, I should say yesterday!) was to pick up twigs, leaves, and rake the back yard.  I figured since I was in the back, I would clean the wicker patio furniture and the patio.  Done!!  I cleaned and filled the fountain and stood looking over my gardens ... every stone, every tree, every bush, every flower, planted and placed by moi.  I smiled and knew how God must have felt when He looked at His own creation.  I've not lived in a home where I got to see my gardens mature and felt grateful to have spent more than a couple years here.



Come on in!

 After I finished outside, I moved inside washing windows, cleaning blinds/baseboards, mopping and vacuuming floors, and sanitizing the bathrooms.  As I moved from room to room, I took some time to remember the parties, the holidays, and gatherings with friends and family.  I am a homemaker and whether I worked outside the home or not, my nesting instincts took center stage.  I wanted my home to reflect the warmth and love that I felt for my family.  I don't live in a "no touch" home ... I live in a put your feet up and stay awhile place!

I am sure that others have or are feeling the feelings that I am.  My saving grace and final peace will come from gratitude.  Gratitude for having the opportunity to stay awhile myself ... gratitude for the time spent with family and friends while they are still around ... gratitude for having lived in different places long enough to learn the culture and make friends ... gratitude for being sixty-five and able to be active.

Wow!  The rain is really beating against the windows.  Should I be afraid?  Think I will go take a look outside and see what's happening.  (Pause)  I'm back ... it's kind of eerie and dark and I think the rain sounds worse than it really is.  In fact, I  am being lulled to sleep by the rhythm of the storm.  I have shelter, my bed is cozy, and I am safe.

G'night everyone ... sweet dreams.

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!  Absolutely and positively...

My temporary home...

January 21, 2012

It's early morning and I am sitting in the den gazing into the fire ... the flames are dancing back and forth almost in a hypnotizing way.  I wonder how many days I will have here before the new owner takes my place.  My mind is traveling through time thinking about my season here ... my temporary home. Tears float down my face and I am grateful for my stay...

My mother and father were born and raised just thirty miles from each other.  They met, married and lived in two houses their entire lives.  I spent my growing up years in those houses and knew that those places as home.  Yet, that was temporary too as I ventured off to college, married and moved from state to state and often times several homes within a city.  I felt like a gypsy, making friends then moving, making a home feel special then moving...  I had hoped that this place would be my last move ... then, life goes on and we have to make decisions that are logical but still there is sadness.

I thought about Carrie Underwood's song, Temporary Home and had to look it up on UTube.  It's true, we are travelers moving through time towards our eternal home.  I thought about the many children who are moved from place to place in foster care not knowing stability.  I thought about the many times, I packed up boxes and unpacked them.  At least the contents were familiar even if my temporary home was different.  To me, the Lord was my stabilizing factor.  To my children, I was the stabilizing factor.  Now, we all know the Lord as our foundation.   Above all else, that was my hope and prayer.

Being sixty five has been quite a roller coaster ride for me as it has been for so many people in this economy and in this world.  I have always looked for a place to put my feet down and hoped that it was safe ... a place where I could find contentment and joy and spend a long time.  Believe me, life has been quite different than I thought it would be.

When I visit Mom in the nursing home, I see the sadness in the faces lining the hall.  Some are drooling all over themselves, others staring off into space, others visiting with family and friends.  Mom knows she needs to be there but the adjustment has been long coming.  The nursing home is clean, the care adequate, meals healthy, and residents treated kindly.  The home has a full slate of activities as well as a beauty shop on site.  Still ... it is a temporary home.  One many of them look forward to leaving.

I chatted with two of my friends from Minnesota this morning which was a day brightener.  We are making plans for another get-together in July.  I felt a sense of joy just thinking about my trip ... six of us will gather at a lake house for several days.  I can only imagine what fun we will have!!  I am blessed beyond blessed to have such deep long lasting friendships!  I am anxious to move forward on plans!!  Second to third week of July, my trusty bug, Lily, and I will be headed northward!!  Hopefully, I won't run into any more sand piles on the road this time!

Many children have special blankets and toys that give them comfort.  What has been my comfort?  First of all, it has always been my family.  Where we have gathered has been home.  When we are together the world seems less scary and our spirits brighter.   Secondly, the few possessions I have had for 40+ years make me smile ... some of my possessions go back to my mother, father, grandparents, and great grandparents.  I touch them and feel the presence of all those who touched them before me.   My array of Bibles give me comfort ... I was sorting through some books in the office today and found the Promise Bible ... it was the Bible I took with me when I lived at the Women's Shelter for thirty days.  I sat down on the floor and read my notes ... I would talk to the Lord and He would answer through the Psalms.  It brought back memories of the comfort I felt at that time.

When life seems so upside down, it's hard to imagine what the future holds.  I know what I want it to hold but then it's still a black hole.  I've learned that it's important for me to do the right thing then leave the outcome to God.  When all is crazy in this world, I am so grateful for my faith -- my rock, my foundation, my constant ... my Lord.  He has told me that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and I take comfort in that.

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!  Absolutely and positively!!!

The Artists...

Oh it's a great day for blogging along and it's a great day for singing a song!!  Today, I am feeling good...  Every time I say that, I think of Jennifer Hudson advertising (in song) for Weight Watchers.  Our minds have trap doors ... what we see often enough gets locked away only to appear at various and sundry times when we least expect it.  You'll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with ____________.  Oh come on, you know the jingle ... Pepsodent!

Last week, my son emailed me to tell me that my grandsons were featuring their art at the Providence Art Show and wondered if I wanted to attend.  Want to???  Wild horses couldn't keep me from attending!  It gave me something to look forward to and by the time it got to yesterday morning, I was chomping at the bit to get in the car and get moving!  Sometimes, I think, I get too complacent and when my body hurts -- I'd rather curl up in a fetal position and sleep.  Not good for maintaining stamina or mental health for sure!  So ... rather than lick my wounds, I get READY and GO!

The art show started at 6:30 last night -- we pulled up to the house where my grandsons reside and good grief (!), around the corner of the house flew Nicholas, the Green Lantern!  He flung himself on the ground, looking up to see if we were watching.  I laughed scooping him up off the soggy grass giving him hugs and kisses.  Nicholas wiped his face and giggled, taking my hand and leading us to the front door.  Looking back, he said, "Come on, Grandpa!"  We were greeted warmly by the whole crew and settled in for some conversation before heading out.

Zachary and Nicholas were hyped up for the art show and it wasn't long before they got me involved in their antics.  Angie had a stopwatch and timed us as we raced (in the house, mind you).  I won the first race (mainly because I went the opposite direction the boys went and they ran into each other!) but they won the next several.  Don't you just love being a big kid sometimes?!

We all jumped in the van and headed to the school.  Angie substitutes at the school and there were kids running up to her for hugs and to say "hi" ... the boys were greeting friends and slipping and sliding down the halls.  We made our way to the auditorium to listen to the string band play and the choir sing.  The kids were so cute playing their violins and cellos ... you could sure tell you were in Texas ... good ho-down music!!  The boys waited with impatience for the doors of the gymnasium to open.

I almost felt like I was back at Walmart on Black Friday.  As the doors opened, the crowd pushed it's way in to see what their children had created.  I was quite unprepared for the way the art was displayed ... I felt like I was at a real art show downtown McKinney!  Nicholas took my hand and led me to his picture and Zachary grabbed Michael's hand to show him his.  Divide and conquer?  (smile)  The boys proudly presented their artwork to us and believe me, there was no way we were leaving without purchasing their creations.  Looking into their eyes, I saw how proud they were.  Looking into their hearts, I felt their passion for color and creativity.

Art packaged and under our arms, we decided to get some lemonade before heading back to the van.  The boys were in their element.  They hugged on friends and posed for photos (they are used to Grandma carrying a camera with her wherever she goes!).  My grandsons are well adjusted and happy boys ... there are times I wish I could keep them eight and six yet I know that the circle of life must continue and they, too, must walk this road of life.

Michael and I drove home feeling very blessed.  Our love banks had been filled by two little boys and we had waves of memories floating through our heads.  Life is quite simple, isn't it when you come right down to it.  It's about family and making our days count for something besides "I, me, mine."  It's not about the car you drive or the house you live in ... it's about transportation and the people inside that house.  Life is for the living and it's in the living that we make our marks on the lives of others!

Happiness is about inner peace ... it's a bright shining aura that encompasses our entire being.  It's that bit of a glow we have when we go out into the world.  It's the little things we do (or don't do) that have lasting effects one at a time.  Family is about relationships -- it's about loving those around us when we don't feel like it (real love IS a choice, you know, not just a feeling), it's about sharing our days and nights believing that God is control.  It's making someone's life easier, not harder.  It's taking time to notice when something's amiss and saying I'm sorry more often.

As for you, my Readers, you are a bright spot in my day ... sending love and praying for you holds a special place in my heart.  I hope that your day is filled with family - for better or worse!

A time for everything...

January 18, 2012

Good Morning, Readers!  The sun is shining brightly and all is right in my world.  I woke this morning to the sound of birds chirping (I filled their food dish last night) and a couple of dogren letting me know I had overslept (they like to be outside about 7 and it was 7:50).  I fed them, made myself a cup of hot tea, donned a blanket and walked outside to watch them play (and roll in the dirt!).  The steam from my mug rolled up into the air and warmed my hands.  I just knew it was going to be a great day!!  I am very anxious to get my patio furniture down here as well as the chiminea.  More living space!!

Instead of a song this morning (very unusual for me), I had Ecclesiastes 3 on my brain and I kept going over the wisdom told so long ago ... there is truly "a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:  a time to be born and a time to die,  a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,  a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,  a time for war and a time for peace." 

I looked heavenward and said out loud, "Okay, what am I supposed to learn from this today?"  When things get planted in my mind or when I am awakened at night, there's usually something I am supposed to learn or someone to pray for.  I wondered where I was in the grand scheme of life.  I know I am reaching that time of life when days are more precious than weeks, months and years.

A time to plant & a time for blooming!

As a gardener, I love to plant and watch things grow.   A time to kill (kill those old tapes, resentments, anger!) and a time to heal (always ongoing) -- a time to tear down and a time to build (dismantle the house in North Texas and build a new life -- that made sense).  How about a time to weep and a time to laugh?  Well, there are times I think that I am cried out which leaves laughing.  Oh I love to laugh and have fun whether working, playing or just going about my day to day activities.  There are times when I've laughed so hard that my sides hurt, tears rolled down my face and I got a headache.



A time to walk & a time to run!

 A time to search and a time to give up?  It's difficult for me to give up when I set my mind on something.  Yet, I realize that in my quests, I probably should have thrown in the towel -- especially in the times when I was trying to convince someone else that "my" way was the right way.  Jesus doesn't do that.  He speaks through the Bible and others and lets us make up our own minds. 

There are times to mourn and times to dance.  You turned my mourning into dancing! (Psalm 30)  Goes back to a time to be born and a time to die ... the circle of life!   Scattering stones and gathering them?  We plant seeds into the lives of those around us AND there are times when we need to reflect and remember.  How about embracing?  Am I embracing life when I need to and resting when I need to?  A time to keep and a time to throw away?  Boy, that's a great one - As I said, I am dismantling a house!  Then, the more I thought about this, my mind was flooded with events, relationships,  thoughts, old tapes.  What should I keep?  My beliefs, my faith, my love for my family ... golly, the list went on and on.

When should I be quiet and when should I speak?  I am learning that unless I am asked for advice, it's best to just listen.  Yet ... I wonder, when I see something really off isn't it my responsibility to speak up?  There sure are a lot of facets to this one.  We all could fill in the blanks as appropriate.  I'm not surprised that love and hate are mentioned.  There should ALWAYS be love.  What comes to mind is that we are to LOVE the sinner but HATE the sin.  There are things that God hates so why shouldn't we??  Finally, a time for war and a time for peace.  That explains itself but also offers food for thought.

As I went through the verses, I realized that I was meditating on each word.  That is exactly what I was supposed to do!  I took a deep breath and marveled at the living word of God.  What was appropriate then is still appropriate now.  I felt such a deep peace inside me knowing that I was growing steadily in my faith ... yes, all things in their own time...

As I grow older, the days seem to grow shorter.  The words waiting in my mind and heart flow freely waiting to be put down in my blog.  I want to be transparent and to always walk in the light.  Did you know that we are only as healthy as the secrets we keep locked inside of us?

I declare this a sit down and talk with family day.  Talk about your past, your challenges, your loves, your hates.  Whether you're a parent or grandparent, you've been around the block a time or two.  You've had successes and, well, some not so successful successes.  (Think about that one!!)  Wisdom comes from living life and learning about how to "do it better."

Always know you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

PS: The time to tell your story is before you are in the grave!

Sing a song...

Sing, sing a song ... Sesame Street

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A top of the mornin' to you!  It's a beautiful windy, chilly day in Central Texas.  I woke up this morning to bright sunshine pouring through my window ... Toby was laying on his back with the sun warming him ... Sadie was snoring, her eyes tightly closed trying to keep the sun out...  I laughed and said, "Everybody up!"  Funny how they just bounded out of bed heading for the back door.

I was singing the "Sing" song from Sesame Street when I woke.  I remembered days when my children would have breakfast with Big Bird and laugh their way into a morning.  It was also a time when I could get myself together and plan my day.  Good memories!



Memories of the aroma  of
the Smorgasbord
Glenwood Lutheran Church

 Do you like to sing?  We all learned our A, B, C's by singing.  We seem to easily memorize our numbers, alphabet, Bible verses, etc. by committing them to song.  Maybe that was the birth of Rap music as we now know it.  Just a thought.  Growing up, we sang Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow (Psalm 148) at church smorgasbords.  Sometimes even now when I sit down at the table the song floats through my mind as well as being able to smell the smells of those great banquets of long ago.  One of my favorite songs is The Lord's Prayer...  Ah yes, music, music, music...  Music stay with us a lifetime -- we never get too old to sing!!

I read about the Red Sea crossing this morning.  What a miracle that must have been!  The Lord led his people by a pillar of cloud during the day and by a pillar of fire at night.  When I think about it, that must of been pretty cool.  When, the people wondered about which direction to march, all they had to do was "look."  Wish it were that easy now.  Even with God leading the Israelites, when they saw Pharaoh's army chasing them, they grumbled, got scared, and complained to Moses ... "...Why did you make us leave Egypt?"~~Exodus 14:11  Wa wa wa ... blame, blame, blame.  Moses assured the people saying, "The Lord will fight for you, and you won't need to lift a finger."  You know the rest -- Moses parted the Red Sea and after God's people were across, the army of Pharaoh went after them and was swallowed up by the waters crashing down and around them.  The people sang, "The Lord is my strength and my salvation..."~~Exodus 15:2.  They sang as they walked marking this great miracle on their hearts.  Their praises were short lived though because soon afterwards, they complained about the water they had to drink.  "...Must we die of thirst?"~~Exodus 15:24.  One more time, Moses interceded on behalf of the Hebrew people and water was provided.

(Sigh)  Isn't that just like us?  We ask, God provides ... we're delivered from our maladies in life ... miracles occur around us every day.  Yet, we grumble about the next thing that comes to our mind.  What are you going to do for me now, God??  I read Billy Graham's book, Nearing Home, not too long ago.  It was a great book ... a reminder of how fleeting life is.  We are born then we die ... it all goes by so quickly.  It's all about how we spend our time in between, isn't it?

Since I have used my Daily Walk Bible since 1988, I read the notes written in the margins ... milestones, sorrows, moves, praises...  My notes have given me peace as well as a record of how far I've come in life.  I have been so blessed in so many ways ... too numerous to count.  Then, I also see how I was like the Israelites always thinking forward for God to solve my next mess.  He has been and is so very patient with me!

My neighbor, Beverly, was going to come over this afternoon for tea and cookies.  She just ran over to tell me that she had to take her husband to the doctor in Waco.  She sounded so frightened and frazzled.  I told her I would pray for them.  It must be doubly hard to handle life's unexpected interruptions depending only on the self to see oneself through.  I felt her anxiousness and pain and hoped that God would come to their aid in a way that they would know it was Him.

When I visited with Mom yesterday, I got to visit with Debbie at length (Debbie is the lady I wrote about whose husband shot their son in a hunting accident).  They are doing as well as can be expected ... they have come together in love knowing that it truly was a horrific accident.  What has been the glue?  Christ, that's who.  She is attending a Bible study using the book, Trusting God, and invited me to go.  I have been looking for a group to attend so I am looking forward to meeting new ladies in this area.  It will be quite a drive each Friday but that's okay.  I don't know why there are so very few Bible study groups that meet during the day.

We received another offer on our home in North Texas.  It's a good one all around - a win/win so I am in hopes that it comes to fruition.  I am feeling glad as well as sad if that makes sense.  Michael and I picked out our lot and built the house when we were first married and have had many memory making moments there.  I will need to spend more time there packing and trying to decide what to do with an entire house full of stuff.  Maybe I need to have someone show me how to use Craig's List or sell on Ebay.  I'm sure we have enough for an estate sale if that's the best way to go.  Kind of overwhelming, for sure.  I can't procrastinate for long on this one though.

Later:  I am listening to the clock -- tick, tock, tick, tock.  It is night and I am winding down from a busy day.  Beverly's husband was in the ER for many hours this afternoon.  The doctors couldn't find the source of his chest pain and sent him home.  That was good news.  I could hear the relief in Beverly's voice when she called to say they were back from Waco.  Our tea party has been rescheduled for tomorrow.

I did make a trip to Walmart to buy groceries today.  Their credit/debit card machines were down so after going through the checkout, I had to wait for Customer Service.  After about ten minutes, I asked if the bank in the store had an ATM.  It did ... it worked ... cost me $3.50 to get $100 to pay for my groceries which I thought was highway robbery.  Looks like I need to put a check in my wallet for such times (I am told that it happens rather frequently at that store!).  There were so many lines without credit/debit machines working that it was getting pretty loud and crazy in there.  I am learning that most folks aren't as patient as I am!  If I hadn't needed the stuff in my cart, I probably would have walked out too!

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!

      

Misery loves company or does it??

Monday, January 16, 2012

Good Morning, Readers!  I am feeling much much better today and am back to my usual activities.  Mom called last night and she was organizing a social event around church today.  She was going down her list of friends (Doris, me, Debbie) and issuing invites.  She was so cute.  This morning I got there about 9:30 and she was waiting with a big smile.  We all attended church then celebrated afterwards with Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers and Frosties from Wendy's.  Ah yes, her gathering was a success and she was content being the Queen Bee!

While I was "under the weather" yesterday, I began to think about miserable people and hoped that I wasn't one of those whose misery brought out the worst in me.  I have a tendency to disappear into the woodwork when I don't feel good not wanting to be a bother to those around me.


Have you spent much time around a perpetually miserable person?  I don't mean the normal misery that all of us feel and face from time to time in life.  I am talking about people who seem bent on being miserable no matter how you try to please them.  That must be where that cliche' misery loves company comes from.

For most of my life, I've been a happy person.  I learned at a very young age to find my own corners of joy and lived in those corners quite contently.  I remember my brother and I going down to the cellar during a storm and wondering how we would fix it up should the house fall down around us.  We weren't scared, we were looking for the silver lining in a dark cloud.


Are you expecting others to make you happy?  Are you blaming others for the roadblocks you may be experiencing?  Do you grumble yet fail to work on your own stuff?  Living or working with a miserable person is draining.  No matter how much you give, it is never enough.  They can't get beyond your one mistake when you've gone the distance so much of the time.  Appreciation, even if it exists at all, is very short lived.  The miserable person is a bottomless pit sucking your time and energy until you have nothing to give.

Ever met someone who hold grudges?  People who forgive are free to move on with life and are not tied up with anger, rage, revenge, or passive aggressive behaviors.  Want to be a life-long victim?  Then, enjoy your misery.  Non-miserable people are able to feel their anger, grieve, forgive and move on with life refusing to sink into the trap of self-pity.  Misery can log in every wrong someone has "done" to them.  Funny thing, they rarely remember what good those same people have "done" to them.


What do I do when I meet a miserable person?  First of all, I ask questions and get more information.  If the miserableness has been chronic, I know in my heart that there's probably nothing I can do to alleviate their pain other than be a good listener.   I not only walk but RUN from angry people.  I've found that they probably would not know how to live and behave WITHOUT being miserable.

How do I survive negativism?  First of all, I recognize that I am a separate human being and just because someone is miserable, I don't have to be.  I don't have to excuse someone else's behavior and allow them to beat me down.  I am just as careful to limit my exposure to miserable people as I am to listening to my own bad tapes.  If I don't, pretty soon, I am worn down and miserable myself.  Know that saying, a bad apple spoils the barrel?  Or, think about this ... is it easier for someone to pull you down or is it easier for you to pull them up?  Stand on a chair and give this a try you'll understand what I am talking about.

When you are around happy, optimistic people, thank them and thank them often.  Get into sync with them ... get on their band wagon. Take good care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually.  Many times we are not aware of the stress we are under because we are used to it.  It is NOT wrong to take time for exercise, sleep, and spiritual/emotional connections with healthy people.  Find peace with God.  Fill your reserves so that you will have energy to deal with the miserable people around you.


What if you are the miserable person?  I'll be the first person to admit that when I've looked into the mirror, I've seen that person.  I saw her first in Alanon ... I saw her in the women's shelter ... I hated her helplessness.  I hated listening to her when she whined.  I saw her as weak and conquered.  It was then that I began to work a twelve step program.  It was then that I was humbled and needed to start asking people in my life for their forgiveness.  It became apparent to me that while I was keeping a record of those who wronged me, it was me who was wronging others.  I needed to forgive myself then grab my list and begin acknowledging and forgiving others.  The making amends was the toughest part yet, probably the most healing.


To cure me of my complaints in life I needed to take a journey to witness real suffering.  My eyes were opened and I felt so small.  Remember, we are not owed anything.  Our lives, health and most good things have been given to us as gifts.  Let's see what we can do with them rather than wasting time complaining.

Have a great rest of the week and always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU ... absolutely and positively!!

       

Exodus

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I am struggling today, Readers ... It's so pretty outside and I want to go out and rake leaves for mulch for my garden.  Flip side?  I have a sore throat, slight fever, ache all over and feel downright miserable physically.  Ever have those days you'd just like to pull the covers up over your head and wait for your misery to subside?  That's where I'm at today.  Beverly came over to show me her new makeup and told me I looked terrible.  That's always a great way to start the day.  Harrumph...

Yesterday, Beverly and I ventured to Burleson.  We stopped at Ulta and tried some of their new makeups and polishes.  It's always fun to do girl stuff and Beverly is the ultimate fufu lady.  I'd printed out coupons for us on the Internet so we knew we had a little extra to spend.  I got some new polish that looks like multi-colored glitter.  I put it over my regular colored polish and was quite pleased with the results.  Also bought some BareMinerals makeup.  Love that stuff!  It is every bit as great as the infomercials on TV.  I talked Beverly into getting some so that's why she came over this morning.  She looked fabulous.  She said that Don (her husband) noticed the difference and thought it looked good.  She was smiling ear to ear.  Guess I need to go make up my face too!!!  Maybe that would make me feel better!

We visited the usual stores yesterday and I found a lamp at Marshall's that I thought would look great on top of the cupboard in the kitchen.  The base was wicker (which I love) and had a few dings so I asked the manager if they would discount the lamp further.  They gave me a really deep discount and, lamp in hand, I left pleased with my bargaining skills and my prize.  The lamp didn't go on top of the cupboard BUT it looks lovely on the end of the dresser in my bedroom.  Buy ONLY what you love and you will find a place for it!

On our way back home, the second car in front of me started weaving, swerving, and finally ended up in the ditch facing traffic.  From what I could tell, a wheel came off the car and the driver was trying to keep the car on the road.  Scary thing ... if the wire fence hadn't been there to stop the car, they would have gone across the median into oncoming traffic.  I slowed way down to see if they were all right ... they were and the truck in front of me stopped so I motored on.  Beverly and I looked at each other and heaved a sigh of relief -- one, that it wasn't a multi-car accident which would have included us, and two, that the people in the car were okay.  Phew ... you just never know from moment to moment what is going to happen.

I've finished Genesis in my Bible reading and have gone on to Exodus.  What does exodus mean?  It is a going out ... a departure from.  Exodus is the story of the deliverance of the Hebrew people from the hands of the Egyptian king who felt no obligation to the descendants of Joseph.  The Hebrews had multiplied in the land of Egypt and were considered a threat.  Being bitterly oppressed and forced to toil long and hard in the fields, the people cried out to God for a deliverer.  Enter Moses.  (Now we all remember the movie The Ten Commandments so you know what I'm talking about)

When I finished reading Chapters 1 and 2, I put down my Bible and thought about my own exodus ... my own deliverance(s).  We all have those chains that bind us ... those situations that hurt us to the core ... those addictions ... those tapes ... those memories that haunt.   We become in bondage crying out to be delivered.  Most of the time, we want a quick fix, "Just get me out of this and I will never again ______."  "Just take this burden from me."  Sadly, most of the time, it doesn't work that way ... often times, things get worse before they get better.

I'll tell you a story ... Last night, Beverly showed up at my doorstep, flashlight in hand with a plate of glazed doughnuts.  I set the plate down next to my chair and continued watching TV.  I looked over at the plate of doughnuts and thought, "I'll just taste one ... the one with the maple flavored icing ... one won't hurt."  Oh my gosh, that doughnut tasted so good.  In a few minutes I thought, "I'll taste the other doughnut, the one with the deep red cherry icing" ... that one went down as easy as the first.  To make a long story short, by the time I was ready for bed, I'd eaten four of the six doughnuts and felt sick.  That may sound quite simple but, think about it, isn't that how we get hooked??  Just one bite ... just one beer ... just one cigarette ... just one night of passion ... just one peek ... just one date.  Addictions start quite innocently and soon, we are crying out for a deliverer.  We sink into the muck and mire of life wondering how we got there.  We look at a scale and with tears say, "Why in the world did I eat all those doughnuts?"  We enter relationships thinking they are good and all of a sudden we are in oppression.  We visit the land of milk and honey thinking it is paradise and later open our eyes to a cesspool of sin.  How did we get there?  Over and over we cry out, "Lord, help me."

It's a good thing that Jesus was sent to save sinners 'cause I've kept Him busy.  I am stubborn and have tried to do it "my" way for most of my life.  He's had to reduce me to humbleness before I could see light.  He's prunned me and shaped me placing those I call My Heavenly Sandpaper in my life over and over again.  The other day, I was looking up into the blue sky and blurted out ... "Ok, ok, I get it ... I am crying Uncle!"  Don't you know that He was looking down on me, smiling and thinking, "Finally, finally she gets it!"

What has been my addiction?  I have been addicted to men who were emotionally unavailable.  I had been reliving my childhood over and over hoping for a different outcome.  Now that's stupidity at it's best!  Once, I could stop the insanity, my deliverance began.  What a freeing feeling to realize that as an adult, I did have some say so.  I could really flourish without all the drama of trying to make someone into what they could not be.  I was not a child and didn't have to act like my life depended on someone else.

I want to tell you something though ... with each relationship, with each year, I grew positively.  Labeled a lousy cook, I learned to be a darn good cook!  Labeled unkept and doudy, I learned how to dress looking good in jeans or an evening gown.  Labeled dumb, I read, studied and realized that I had way above average intelligence.  Labeled flabby, I joined a gym, lifted weights and became svelt and toned.  I took the downers and made them my uppers.  The light that had been hidden in oppression was lifted one day at a time.  How does the song, This Little Light of Mine go?  Hide it under a bushel basket?  No!  I'm going to let it shine...  I've been drawn towards truth and light since I was a tiny girl.  As I see it, my stubborness has paid off ... I have wanted to be whole enough to struggle and claw my way towards the light.  Don't want to come with me?  That's ok, I'm still gonna grow and be a healthy, functioning woman of God.  Don't like me?  That's ok, go pick on someone else and leave me alone.  Want to call me a fanatic?  That's okay, just go look at yourself in the mirror when you're cheering for your favorite sports team.  Want to envelope me in your own baggage?  Not ok, work on your own stuff then we can talk.

Gosh, I sound like I am on a terror don't I.  (Laugh)  Maybe I am but only because I am excited.  I like who I am and what I am about.  I accept my imperfections and tell myself that God doesn't make junk.  My fingers whirl over the keyboard announcing my own exodus from darkness into light to anyone who will listen.  Come on, let's sing ... let's laugh ... let's count our blessings ... let's move forward together turning a flop into something worthwhile.  It's easy to praise God once deliverance is over but how about praising him before and during knowing that no matter what, something good is going to explode right in front of you.

Now that I am reved up, I think I will go try rake a couple piles of leaves!

Always remember you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!  Absolutely and positively!!