Being thrown under the bus...

Friday, January 13, 2012
I am sitting at my computer in the guest room at the little casa.  The bright light is streaming through the sheers almost making my computer screen almost unrecognizable.  The warmth feels good and makes me want to venture outdoors.  The cold has chilled me to the bone the past few days which makes me want to stay indoors ... when I do that, I get houseitis.  I am an outdoors person who dislikes being cooped up!!

It's Friday the 13th ... my lucky day!  I am alive and kicking, my broken toe is mending nicely, and my companion, Sadie, has fully recovered from whatever was causing her limp.  Yea!  Usually, my cleaning day is Tuesday but I decided to wait until today to get the little casa ship shape and shinning.  This place is so tiny that it takes rearranging every week just to get everything in it's place to keep it uncluttered.  And, you know what happens when it's cluttered??  I trip over things and end up bruising my body!!  I am learning what it is like to grow older for sure!

I haven't been able to get the movie, The Blind Side, out of my mind.  I keep thinking of analogies in the grand scheme of life.  What happens when we are in a relationship and one or both partners doesn't have the blind side covered?  Broken trust, that's what happens.  When you're moving forward, do you know that your partner or family is cheering you on and looking out for you?  Or, are you being thrown under the bus ... talked about behind your back ... undermined ... in other words, are you making life harder or easier for those around you?

Trust is so very important ... transparency is so very important ... truth is so very important.  In dysfunctional families, trust, transparency, and truth are blurred.  As a child, I didn't trust anyone except myself and for reasons I still don't fully understand, I didn't lie, I just didn't say anything.  I guess to be transparent meant getting blasted.  I still have big blank spots there.  When I reached high school age, I developed some REALLY close friendships and I could become transparent with them.  Why, because I knew they cared about me ... the real me!  I will always be forever grateful for those friends ... they are still in my life and I cherish them just as much as I did way back then.

All I've ever wanted in life is to be accepted for who I am.  I've wanted to be cherished and honored ... to experience intimacy in knowing and being known.  Problem is, I've wanted these things from humans who are as imperfect as I am.  I've wanted someone to stand up for me and say, "Don't hurt her."  As a teenager, I had that ... my friends and I stood up for each other.  When one of us lost a boyfriend we cared about, the others stepped in to comfort and speak up if necessary.  I don't know why that had to go away.  Maybe because I stopped being honest, stopped being transparent, stopped walking in the light.

Adultery takes away trust and I wonder if we ever recover from that sting without serious soul mending.  To not stand up for one's partner in the face of trial means erosion of self.  I am a detail person ... I notice the little things that affect me and others.  Why?  Because of my childhood that's why.  I care more than the average person.  Why?  Because of my childhood, that why.  I work harder on relationships than most.  Why?  Because of my childhood that's why.  I am who I am because of where I've been.  What man meant for evil, God used for good.~~Genesis 50:20.  Without my journey, I couldn't help a woman who is being abused (emotionally or physically).  I couldn't teach and not understand where my students were coming from.  I couldn't forgive without resentment.  I couldn't walk in the light without having been in the darkness.  I couldn't love my children and grandchildren with the deepness that I do without having suffered loneliness and the wasteland of being invisible.

I am at one of my favorite places in the Bible ... the story of Joseph, son of Jacob.  If you are harboring resentments or hurt, read this story in Genesis.  I've always wanted to be a Joseph ... a man thrown under the bus by his own brothers who rose to be one of the most powerful, caring men of all Egypt.  I want to be like the men and women of faith who grace the pages of history.  I don't want to be a miserable, lonely old crotchety woman who just sits and complains.

I've been thrown under the bus by my parents, my husbands, my children, my bosses in the workforce, my friends.  I've been battered and bruised, thrown away like a used toy.  My heart has been flattened to the point where I thought I couldn't breathe.  Yet, somehow, someway I've gotten up and kept on going, learning how "not" to be.  I ask the Lord ... "Lord, what are you teaching me in all this?"  Oh, I get angry and stomp my feet and retreat into my own little world ... but, not for long.  I keep my eye on the prize ... my eternal life where my hurts and bruises will be healed.  I look forward to hugging my mom and dad and the rest of my family for as imperfect we are, we are family.

Are you being thrown under the bus?  Are the people you care about the most, hurting your heart?  (Realize this ... if you didn't care about them, it wouldn't matter.  Without love, there cannot be hurt ... there would be apathy.)  I was watching Modern Family the other night.  When Gloria didn't show up as she was supposed to at an important presentation Phil was giving, she wanted Phil to get mad at her and tell her she did wrong.  Why?  She said then she would know that he cared and loved her.  He was trying to make her feel better saying it was OK.  With each OK, she felt worse.  She WANTED to be held accountable.  I thought about that, when people are talking there is always hope ... to just sweep something or someone under the bus?  Done.  Through.  Ended.  Over.  With that being said and you're feeling like you've hit a wall , it's time to let go, pray, and be open to God's leading.

My blog today is just a collection of thoughts ... my mind attached itself to something and went a mile a minute wondering what I am supposed to learn.  Maybe someone out there is being attacked from their blind side ... maybe someone is hurting like I have hurt when someone has given me the big heave ho under the bus.  I don't know ... my fingers are but instruments on the keyboard.

Want to heal Miss Dottie style?  Learn to walk in the light no matter what.  Don't allow the bad guys to influence your life except to teach you what you don't want to be like.  You do realize that if you retreat and stop and allow yourself to be depressed, the bad guys win don't you?  Let your spirit rise ... be a Joseph ... keep on keepin' on.  Learn and grow one day at a time and be a winner.  Take those stakes out of your own eyes before you criticize others.  Learn and grow some more.  The best revenge for hurt is to be a good person ... to excel ... to top the charts!

Listen up, Readers!  Pay attention to who is counting on you.  Is someone you love being thrown under the bus?  Do you stand up for them?  Do you make their life harder or easier?  If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem.  Clear your slates becoming humbled and leave the rest to the Lord.  If you're always looking at someone to blame, you're never going to get any better in this life.  That I know from experience.

With all this being said, I am going to go make myself ANOTHER mug of hot cocoa.  I fixed hot cocoa last night and had it with my popcorn.  It was so good that I am going to treat myself again today.

Have a wonderful day knowing you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

PS  I usually don't pay much attention to how many hits my blog is getting; however, I did decide to make the decision to pray for each person so I took a look ... my blog is reaching 49+ people a day now.  Let's keep the light going!!!!  We're in this life together!!!!!