Autumn Leaves

                 "This is the day the Lord has made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it."~~ Ps 118:24

"The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold..."

Autumn Leaves - Lyrics sung by Nat King Cole

The Autumn leaves are starting to fall.  Just the smell takes me back to a time of piles of leaves raked to be burned and bonfires.  I think of the song sung by Nat King Cole -  Autumn Leaves...  On my drive back from town today, I was so awed by the colors.  In the old part of McKinney there are so many old homes from the turn of the century surrounded by beautiful trees.  There was a slight breeze and the leaves were drifting down like feathers.  What a sight! 

I found that with all my surgeries and having to deal with Fibromyalgia that my body was really getting weak and out of shape.  I've been going to the stores to walk down the isles pushing a cart and checking out the new flowers and decorator items.  I found this pumpkin (in the photo) for a couple dollars so figured it  was a great find.  The little girl in the background is my little granddaughter Katrina (She's a little pumpkin too!).  The Dallas area is one of the best shopping areas in the world and it's fun to just window shop and get ideas for new projects.

The craft shows start this weekend for Christmas plus Trade Days add icing on the cake.  I'm always amazed at how many crafters come up with new ideas.  Trade Days is just a hop and a skip from our house which makes it hard to ignore.  I have to make sure I keep my hands in my pockets when meandering through Barksdale Lane.  Oh those puppies are soooo cute but 3 dogren in one house is plenty!  It's always nice to get out in the sunshine though and dig through the hundreds of booths to find that jewel in the rough!

I came to Texas in 1970 and have managed to live in Houston, San Antonio, Plano, Frisco, and McKinney.  Each city has it's own magicness but I like it here the best.  After, I was married, my husband and I lived in Yuma, AZ for a couple years.  Great people!  But to live there without air conditioning in the house or car, was rather miserable.  The most wonderful part of all the moves was that I got a taste of various cultures and learned from the people I met along the way.  I love adventures and meeting new people so the moves weren't horrible.   Jane and Tommy spent most of their school years in Plano and had the benefit of an extraordinary school system.  When they went to college it was an easy transition.  Jane headed north to the University of Minnesota and became a pharmacist...son, Tommy, headed to Southwest State and majored in "fun".  He kicks himself now, but he's presently a Senior Loan Officer and doing well.  I met with Dr. B. at church today and he had met Tommy and said, "You know, Dottie, that young man is one of the warmest, nicest fellows I've met in a long time."  Yep, that's my son!

Dr. B. and I talked some about my childhood trauma, adult relationships and he asked how it affected my children.  By the grace of God, my children are motivated to be the best they can be and are fine people.  They read continually and love personal growth.  Do I wish I could have been married to their father forever, you bet.  Would they have been better people if I had stayed?  I don't think so.

The puzzling part of my marriages was that I knew they weren't good for me and with each one, I broke the engagement.  Then, the tapes from childhood would kick in and I would believe the smooth talking men I married.  After the abuse would start, I would know it wasn't right and I would do everything I knew to do to save the relationship.  I kept trying to be perfect and there was no way I could be perfect.  After I divorced my second husband for severe physical abuse, I was single for a very long time.  My life was so filled with normalcy.  My kids and I were a team and we were very open and honest with one another.  Even though at that time I didn't know about the childhood trauma, I taught them to speak up and voice their opinions...I took them to church so that they could have a good foundation to fall back on...They knew how very much I loved them and they were safe and secure.  I taught them that it was ok to make mistakes and learn from them.  They knew that they could come to me without shame or guilt and they would still be accepted.  It was a good time in those 7-8 years.  The problem came when my long time boyfriend said, "Either you will marry me or I need to end the relationship."  The triggers starting coming one after another until I said yes.

This marriage was different.  Bob truly did love me and I loved him.  He was a fine man and a wonderful step-father to my son.  He played in the Denver Symphony, played guitar for many singers of the day, developed medical equipment and was full of kindness and compassion.  He taught me what it was to have a warm intimate relationship.  He taught me about design and encouraged me to be the best that I could be.  The marriage was good for a long while.  The problem was me...the tapes were running in my subconscious ... "you don't deserve this...you are no good for him"...and, on and on.  This time it was me who sabotaged the relationship.  Some years ago, I ran into him at a local hardware store.  He didn't recognize me but I nudged him and we talked for a little while.  As I turned to leave he took both my hands and said, "I really hope you are ok and I am so sorry for what happened."  Tears were in his eyes and mine too.  It was another one of those ah ha moments that I just didn't understand why I behaved the way I did in the relationship.  Now I know and I am so sorry.  In my trauma counseling, this relationship was dissected pretty thoroughly.   It was all part of the tapes...the self-hatred...

Today, people wonder why I smile so much...they wonder why I crawl through the gym equipment with my grandsons not afraid to appear rather silly...they wonder why I celebrate the good of each day...they wonder why I take every opportunity to talk to my children and grandchildren celebrating our relationships...they wonder why I speak so forcefully on behalf of children and battered women....they wonder why I don't pass someone with a lowered stance or a tear in their eye without giving a word of encouragement...  I guess some would call me an over the top Christian...Well how would you feel about someone who saved your life and sanity?  It is my Lord I will answer to and it's an honor for me to serve Him.  I think how far I've come and look forward to releasing more of my child within.  I take good care of her these days and I celebrate her recovery.

"...May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love, and may you be able to feel and understand."~~Ephesians 3:17-19

 

The Autumn Leaves of the Japanese Maple

May the Lord bless and keep you safe...may His love comfort you and give you peace!  Talk with you later...