I Am Grateful

"You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." ~~ Psalm 16:11

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving 2010 and it truly will be a day of giving thanks for my recovery ... this is the first year that I have truly experienced peace.  For those of you who have had the blessing of a happy childhood, it may not seem like a big thing ... but, to me, peace came at a price ... years of counseling and searching within myself and talking with others.

To reveal the deepness of my hurt, has opened the door to criticism and rejection.  No one likes the family dirty laundry aired across the country and beyond.  For me, I have prayed for a hedge of protection not only for my blog but that those that need to read what I have to say are blessed.  Childhood trauma is quite common.  The sad part is that trauma can be trapped within the brain and although there are symptoms (like my marriages to abusive partners) they are not brought to the surface and the adult goes on in misery not knowing the source.

"Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned.  It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away.  It is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities.  Everything in us (and around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take.  But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us.  Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness."~~Juanita Ryan

Childhood trauma is not an easy thing to face for any of us no matter what the trauma may have been as a child.  To face the pain head on as an adult is down right scary.  There are certain parts that we need to be aware of which are the self critical/judgmental (where we reject and criticize ourselves) part and the compassion part where we learn to love ourselves.  This is very hard to accept.  Eventually having the understanding of the compassionate part is the "wounded part" which carries most of our pain of shame, fear and despair.

Recovery cannot be done alone.  I chose Christian counseling because I knew that God needed to be involved.  I looked to him as my heavenly father who was loving and fair while my earthly father ignored, criticized, and verbally/emotionally abused me.  I have struggled just like everyone does at some point.  I have had many doubts, many questions, and many frustrations as to why the bad happened in my childhood.  It was only when I did counseling with a counselor who specialized in childhood trauma did I make progress.  The blanks in my childhood were so troubling that I was driven to find answers.

God comes first in my life.  I know that I cannot be complete if I do not trust Him.  It has also been important to have the support of others that do understand my struggles and the reassurance that there is a God that does love me.  I'm not a Lone Ranger ... I find that reassurance from others is very important.  I used to be really scared but when I became very transparent with Him fear turned to a quiet peacefulness.  One thing I have noticed about myself after having one of my many open and honest discussions with God, is that I do not feel as much guilt.  I do not candy-coat my pain for God.  Believe me, He can handle it and that gives me comfort.

I had so much false guilt because in every act of freedom is the possibility of offending someone.  I learned at a very young age that offending someone was unacceptable.  Other people were seen as pipelines of approval.  If they were offended, the pipeline shut down.  My mother used to remind me of birthdays, anniversaries and other occasions that involved family.  When I told her that they did not remember me on those occasions, she told me that didn't matter ... others mattered, I did not.  I don't beat myself up anymore or get those panic attacks because I have offended someone.  If necessary, I apologize and move on.

Looking back, I really don't think that my parents meant to hurt me.  The problem is that I was hurt and that hurt followed me into adulthood.  Am I cured?  No...I will always need to be aware of triggers and careful of my surroundings and the people in my life.  I have a plan for my days and am good to myself.  Every day I do something that brings me joy and also do something that gives someone else joy.  I have choices now and I love that.

Today, I spent the whole day outside working in my gardens.  We have cold weather coming and I needed to get my perennials cut down and mulched.  I also planted some Winter flowers.  I love Pansies ... their little faces make me smile!  Gardening gives me so much pleasure.  I put my music on, dig in the dirt, and create my own little Eden.  I've moved so many times since I left home in the Fall of 1964.  I've been in this house seven years and I feel safe here.  That's important to me.  I am so grateful for my home and being able to garden and create a warm place for myself and for others who walk through my door.



Grandparents' Day at Zachary's School

 Most of all, I am grateful for friends and family.  No matter what, we are family!  I can choose my friends but family is what it is ... FAMILY!!  I am grateful for the time spent with my children and grandchildren.  I am grateful that my childhood trauma made me more aware of being a good parent and grandparent.  Has it been easy sailing?  Heck no!  However, I am proud to say that we know that love is not based on being perfect.  Love just is ... unconditional!

I wish all my followers a very Happy Thanksgiving!  May the Lord bless and keep you safe this Thanksgiving and the upcoming holidays, Christmas and New Years.

  
Remember you are all loved, YA YOU!!