Let's Talk Frankly

Time to start talking turkey!

Yesterday, Dr. B's wife, Diana, sang Amazing Grace in church.  It moved so many to tears (including moi).  I thought of a Bible verse from Psalm 46 "...Be still and know that I am God..."  I've heard so often, "If there is a God why would He let bad things happen to children?"  All I can say (again) is that what man meant for evil, God meant for good.  Without my past, I would not be the woman I am today.  It is with my voice that I can speak up without guilt or shame and say, "Yes, the abuse was wrong and I will help others any way I can..."  I've never had anyone stand up for me but I'm strong enough now not to be a victim!  That's a big step...

First of all, I want to give you the National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline:  1-800-799-7233.  All calls are confidential and callers may remain anonymous if they wish.

In speaking to others, I've found that many people have a limited understanding of the causes, prevention, and impacts of childhood trauma, probably because it's still a taboo subject in our culture. What's been found is that an overwhelming majority of people guilty of child abuse, were abused themselves.  In talking with my own mother, that certainly was the case.  I say this with great sorrow, that as my two daughters were older, my way of dealing with what they did that upset me brought on an angry episode.  Afterwards, I would wonder where such anger could come from.  I didn't understand...now, I do.  I've had to say I am sorry, name my offenses, ask for forgiveness, and make amends.  



Dorothy-1983
The beginning of healing



In the 1980's when I started therapy, I learned how to deal with anger issues.  The problem was that I continued to feel hurt then disassociate.  I must say that the tapes running in my subconscious were as strong as ever.  I had to learn the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

When I began trauma counseling, I read so many many books about trauma in children.  Alice Miller was one of my favorite authors.  Some abusers don't relate to people of their own age group.  They relate better to younger children.  They may believe that the child wants them to do the sexual acts (as was the case in playing house with my older cousin).  I am so glad that in this day and age, children are taught what good touches and bad touches are.

The most commonly reported perpetrators are fathers and stepfathers.  Brothers, sisters, mothers, babysitters and uncles are also among the most common abusers.  Statistically, it is found that children from alcoholic families are more likely to be abused than in other families.  One thought involves the unresolved boundaries in alcoholic families.  Boundaries in alcoholic families are not as clearly defined and enforced.  Children can become easy victims.  Want to hear something unbelievable?  "Ninety percent of sexual abuse victims never tell."  Susan Forward, PhD 1989

Abuse can continue for many years or it could be a single incident.  I don't believe that I was sexually abused that many times (but again, remember I have blanks in my life) but the emotional abuse and neglect continued on into adulthood.  I married the same person with different names over and over.  Now, how stupid is that?!?  The good news is that was what finally led me to a counselor who specialized in Trauma victims.  When life was going good, I had to sabotage it, and punish myself - I didn't deserve to be happy. 

Having a traumatic disassociation or childhood amnesia is very common and real.  The human mind responds different ways to trauma.  When something happens that is overwhelmingly emotionally, some people block it out (like I did).  Stress of the moment can be so traumatic that the person cannot relive the emotional content.  Unless the memory is confronted, the person may continue to act out, not knowing the cause for their depression or anxiety.  Once a memory surfaces, it can be dealt with and processed.  I would never recommend going through this process by oneself.  Choose a psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in trauma counseling.

Another thing I learned that a lot of my memories from early childhood were not going to be what I call accurate.  They may not be reliable in exact times, places, words, etc.  My memories came as snapshots and blurry visions.  Any traumatic experience, if we don't move through the experience or hurtful emotions, will affect all of our relationships.  Since sex is a very healthy and normal part of life, there can be disruptions in sexuality.  In my case, when I had sex, I disassociated and felt it was shameful.    That's  probably why so many women who have been sexually abused become prostitutes or are promiscuous...feelings become numb.  I was one of the lucky ones.

Some people have lots of flashbacks - flashbacks involving the abuse can disrupt all parts of adult life including one's work.  Triggers can be as simple as a phrase spoken (in my case this was a biggie), a body movement, a smell, or a look from someone.  As I went through trauma counseling, I realized how much a shame based existence I had lived.  I had so much shame and believed I deserved the abuse...I believed my abusers when they said I caused the abuse.  Also, amnesia or traumatic dissociation prevented me from saying anything because I didn't understand anything about trauma until many years later.

The following was a big part of my counseling with Ruth:  For a person to heal from trauma, there is a process called letting it go.  HOWEVER, I confused letting go with burying (pushing it down, not dealing with it, not addressing feelings that are difficult to talk about).  Burying feeling never works.   I was healed AFTER  I had addressed it and processed the hurt.

It was enraging and emotionally overwhelming when the people I loved and trusted didn't believe or didn't care (brushing it under the rug so to speak).  I understand now that people can have conflicting allegiances and it can be very traumatic and chaotic to families dealing with this issue.  Often, long term trauma results from lack of support, belief, or attention to the pain.

While in trauma counseling one of the questions I had was if it was okay to support both the abuser and the abused in a family.  Ruth told me, "It's most important to remember, that the person who was abused needs to be the priority; they need their needs attended to."  No family with incest is open, caring, and communicative.  Susan Forward, PhD.

In therapy, I had a lot of questions about the line between experimenting between children and abuse.  The general rule for statutory rape is a teenager having seemingly agreed upon sex with an adult more than two years older.  Each state has different laws and with teenagers having sex younger and younger this is one of those touchy subjects.  Brothers and sisters will sometimes experiment.  Generally if the children are only a year apart and neither one was manipulated into experimenting, this would not be considered sex abuse.  In most states sexual abuse is labeled as four years between the children.

Being on the Speaker's Forum for the local women's shelter, I had the opportunity to talk with many women (my first forum for men at a church!) and listen to their stories.  At that time, I knew what they were going through because I had been a battered wife.  It was one of the most rewarding times in my life...making a difference and letting these women know they had choices!

It's time to get started and get my engines fired up.  Brittany has surgery today so that's a priority.  I hope what I've said has helped you understand more about me and others like me.  Ruth helped me to realize that I was worth something and I want to help others realize that too!

It's 2:12 am and I am going to post this blog because of my need to be on call tomorrow.  Blessings and love shot your way!!  My eyes are getting kinda heavy and Toby keeps scratching at my feet!  :o)

Toby says Woof Woof (that's dog talk for night all!"