Time...Past, Present & Future

Goodness, Christmas has come and gone and we are looking forward to bringing in the New Year!  Last Wednesday, I pinched a nerve in my back while putting a case of water into Lily (Lily is my red VW bug!) so most of the Christmas holiday I was flat on my back.  Felt much better yesterday and hopefully I am back in the swing of things!  In the meantime, I missed a festive Christmas Eve celebration at my friend Wendy's home as well as going to visit with Mom S on Christmas Day.  Michael had to do the honors by himself this year.  Bummers!  This getting older is certainly NOT for sissies!!

Today, like most folks, I was thinking about the New Year and what I want to accomplish and savor.  I have had gazillions of things tossing around in my mind.  I think I need to put them all down on paper and then cross them off one by one.  As a Christian, I know that my God is a God of divine order which helps me to define what is important ... God, Michael, family, friends and my work of speaking hope to abused men, women, and children through my writing.

My past is so important because it has given me my foundation and defined my behaviors.  If you have followed my blogs from the beginning, you know that I am a survivor of emotional, sexual, and physical abuse.  Do I look back on my past with anger and frustration?  Sometimes I do and I think that is good because it fuels my fire to stand up for what I believe.  As I relive the seasons of my past, I realize how very far I've come and how grateful I am for my sane mind and caring nature.  I've also come to realize that the past is just that ... the past, not the present and definitely representative of the future.  I have taken time to cut out the boils crusted over by time and move in a new direction.  I can tell my story with peace and forgiveness towards those that hurt me.  I am not 1 or 20 or 30 ... I am 64 and finally able to make decisions that are good for me.  I've found that when I am making a decision, if it is unselfishly good for me, it is also good for others as well.  Jesus says we are to treat others as we treat ourselves ... not more than nor less than but as ourselves.  Took me a long while to get that straight.

The present is my "now" ... if I take care of my todays, my tomorrows will be okay.  I am continuing down the road doing my 40 days of 40 minutes of prayer.  I've done this study several times before and each time, although the study is the same, it has gifted me in different ways.  Today my study was on surrendering my expectations.  I examined the feelings and emotions that I have had during the past 13 days.  It surprised me to know that when I have negative feelings and emotions, my focus has slipped away from giving God glory; and, once again, I am focusing on myself.  Aughh...just when I thought I was doing better!  I am back in the saddle once again and moving forward doing what I can "this day".  I am praying that I will be cleansed from negative feelings.  I pray that I will seek first the kingdom of God and develop an even deeper intimate relationship with Him.  I pray that I would be kept from being caught up in the trap of my own selfish wants.  Go God!!

The future is just that...the future.  I may live many years and I may be gone tomorrow.  Who knows but God what tomorrow brings.  Can I change the future?  No, God tells me that my days are numbered.  However, by what I do, think, and say, I can influence the future.  I have been a control freak and it is difficult to let go and let God do His work.

I started my blog in October 2010.  To be transparent is tough at best.  I put myself "out there" to be criticized, judged, welcomed and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone realize that covering up the hurts of the past only leads to an infestation of the soul and heart ... and, not in a good way.  When, I lived at the Women's Shelter for 30 days, the counselor suggested that I write about my stay there.  At the time, it was too raw, too close ... I needed to heal some of the abrasions and stabilize my thinking.  Little did I know that it would not be closure of my yesterdays but a beginning of painful refinement.  Every time I thought that I was done with the slicing and dicing of my life, a new chapter would open and I would have to make a choice.  I chose wholeness.

As 2010 comes to a close, I will review my blogs and move on.  I never know what my blog will be on until I sit down at my computer.  I  trust God with my assignment.  Hamilton Elf will be carefully put away until he helps me with next Christmas.  Plans are being made for him to be featured in his own story book.  I am praying for the right illustrator to do the drawings.  The story has already been written in our journey together this holiday season!

It's 5:55 PM Texas time and time to sign off and enjoy a nice fire and a movie.  Hamilton Elf and I wish you the best that life can bring!  Come on 2011!!  Always remember that you are loved...YA YOU!!