Mama, can't you hear me crying?

October 27, 2012

It's dark outside.  The wind has died down and temperatures are dropping once again.  Fortunately, it warmed up today enough for us to make a trip to the Texas Country Reporter Fall Festival in Waxahachie.  There were thousands of people lining the streets to shop at the hundreds of little tents filled with vendors of all kinds.  It was a great day to breathe in the fresh crisp air and enjoy the festivities!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  I've written about domestic violence quite often and will finish up the month with a story told to me by a young woman (I'll call her Ann).  As a lay counselor of battered women I listen with empathy remembering what it was like for me.  Our stories are different; yet, they have a common thread.

Ann was a young teenager when her parents divorced.  Her parents were busy dating and getting on with their lives while she was trying to figure out where she fit in the one family that was now two.  She was lonely and needed affection and affirmation. "Mama, can't you hear me crying?"  Mama was busy; Daddy had moved out.  Ann was lost in the shuffle.

Like many teenagers, Ann was in love with love when Ben entered her life.  He was older and showered her with attention and affection.  He filled her life with everything she was missing ... or so she thought.  She was in high school which should have been the best years of her life.  She was pretty, had lots of friends, and looked forward to the future.  Her smiles turned to panic when,  four months after she met Ben, she was pregnant.  Pregnant?  "Mama, can't you hear me crying?"  Mama was angry; Daddy was moving to a city far away.  "Get out ... you've disgraced our family!  What have you done?"  Embarrassed and alone, Ann turned to Ben.  Relief ... Ben was excited about the baby, he'd give her a place to call home.  His parents didn't mind when she moved in.

What seemed like an answer to prayer for a young woman, began to unravel into the abyss of domestic violence.  "Where are you going?"  "You're bad ... you're ugly."  Could he be saying the truth?  Her parents said so too.  At first, Ben began throwing things at her ... eggs, cups, anything he could get his hands on.  If she didn't live up to his expectations, his anger flared.

Several weeks before Ann's due date, Ben's anger turned physical.  He began choking her to scare her.  During labor, the nurses removed him from the room because of his outbursts.  A time of joy became a time of fear.  Baby Susan was born with a tumor and needed surgery.  Ann felt lost and afraid ... she had nowhere to go.  She was a Senior in high school ... she was a new mother with a sick baby ... she was a teenager being bullied and abused mentally and physically.  She was embarrassed and ashamed.  "Mama, can't you hear me crying?"  Ann was out of sight and out of mind.

Susan was released from the hospital before Christmas and was introduced to Ann's family.  Ann arrived sporting a black eye and bruising.  Her family was suspicious but Ann and Ben explained that she had tripped and fallen on the ice ... after all, she was very clumsy.  "Mama, can't you hear me crying?"  Ann was with Ben ... they had a new baby.  Ann was clumsy after all...  No one saw the fear in Ann's eyes.

The new year brought a new apartment.  They were caretakers and had janitorial responsibilities.  Ben was tired.  Ann strapped baby Susan on and went out to shovel snow from the walks.  No breakfast?  Ben threw her down and kicked her.  Ben's anger escalated.  Ann came home from a new mother class one day to find Susan with bruises on her face.  A trip to the hospital revealed that Susan's hip had been broken.  "Mama, can't you hear me crying?"  Ann had nowhere to go - she lied to the police and to hospital personnel.  CPS came to visit; nothing seemed amiss except they did note that the father seemed volatile.  Lies, cover-ups ... embarrassment, shame...

Ben's abuse began to take on new forms.  He would tie Ann up, take her clothes off and circle her flaws with marker.  One night, he and his friends were high on drugs.  They tied her up, and taunted her telling Ben what a piece of crap she was.  Ben began using various objects to rape her.  If she cried he would slap, hit, and kick her until she stopped.  Ann became numb.  "Mama. can't you hear me crying?"  No one did ... she had nowhere to go.

Ben's drug use and anger spewed out to his partner and his child.  In an argument, he pulled Susan's arm dislocating her shoulder.  He broke Ann's jaw and ribs.  Ann had reached a breaking point.  She filed a restraining order against Ben and her friends moved her out to a place of safety.

I would like to say that Ann's life got better but it didn't.  Ben was granted visitation rights to see his child.  One day, while Ann was at school, she received a call from the police department.  Ben had overdosed on cocaine and they had Susan in custody.  Ben's rights to see Susan were limited to supervised visitation; Ben chose to not see his child.  "Mama, can't you hear me crying?"  Life became a lie ... a cover-up ... Ann was a victim ... a young woman lost...

As I listened to Ann share her story, my heart broke knowing that there are so many young women out there caught in the web of domestic violence ... young girls who think they have nowhere to go.  I asked Ann why she stayed.  She said she was afraid -- Ben told her that she was a bad mother and would lose custody of Susan .. he also told her that she couldn't leave if she valued her life.  Ann had been broken down and she believed her tormentor.

I asked Ann if she had ever thought about adoption when she found out she was pregnant at 17.  She told me that she was in love and that Ben promised her that everything would be okay.  She had lost her family and rarely saw them ... a baby would mean that she had a family, someone she could love and who would love her back.  She felt abandoned and would not abandon her child.

What happened to Ann?  She struggled to survive with the mindset of a teenager.  She became numb; her life had been so out of control she began to control everyone and everything around her; she was guarded, scared; she feared rejection so much that she sabotaged good relationships; she wasn't aware of the tapes running in her subconscious ... "You're not good enough."  For many years, her life became a self-fulfilling prophesy of doom.

Today, our police departments, hospitals, and doctor's offices are equipped with personnel trained to recognize domestic violence victims.  Pamphlets are given out and follow-up visits are more common place.  The problem is ... fear.  Usually by the time domestic violence victims go to a doctor or hospital they have been worn down and brainwashed by their abusers.  Lying has become commonplace and making up stories to cover for the abuse second nature.  They think they have no way out.  Often times there are children involved which complicates the situation.

Sadly enough, Christian women are some of the toughest to counsel.  They believe they have no grounds to leave their husbands and partners.  They feel flawed and that God has forsaken them.  So many women cry out in the privacy of their homes to mothers who have abandoned them either emotionally or physically at a time when they needed them the most.  "Mama, can't you hear me crying?"  I hear you Ann ... and my readers will hear your story.  There will be mothers and fathers who read my blog and hopefully their hearts will be softened to their daughters who need them.  Most of all, God hears the cries of the wounded ... victims become victorious in Christ Jesus.

Please, when you see a woman with bruises don't turn the other way.  I keep some slips of paper in my purse with the domestic abuse hot line written on them.  Who knows?  You may just plant that seed of hope in someone who desperately needs someone to notice ... to care.

Always know you are loved and prayed for ... YA YOU!!

Miss Dottie

PS  I've kept track of Ann for many years now, praying for her and loving her.  I am excited to report that Ann accepted Christ as her savior and is on the fast track to wholeness one day at a time.  The secrets that kept her bound to a life of sabotaging the good coming into her life are slowly fading...  When she feels guilty about her past, I remind her:  Romans 8:1 says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  And, folks, Jesus doesn't lie!!

There is hope!  I am living proof and Ann is living proof.  It's all because there was a man who died on a cross for our sins and for the sins of women like us.  One in four women are being violated mentally, physically and/or spiritually.  Look around you!!